Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Putting their money where their mouth is

Paul Burns would like to commend the city of Chicago. They exemplify that perfect combination of ingenuity, audacity, and plain old-fashioned hard work that has made America great. And their latest project exemplifies these noble qualities in full.

What project is that, you ask?

The Chicago Spire:

The Spire is planned to be longer - er, taller - than any building in the world currently standing. The structure will be fully erected in 2011 and should offer all visitors a pleasurable entry point to the Windy City. Residents of the building should find great happiness entering and exiting the building day after day, year after year, long after their relationships with others (say, their boyfriends) have turned sour.

A design like this is hard to come by, but the textured, ridged, spiraling shape is sure to inspire gasps of excitement from those experiencing it for the first time. Some will no doubt want to make the trip from base to tip and back again many times, in order to fully grasp the structure's magnificence. And while a newcomer may at first be overwhelmed by their initial insertion into the building, long-time residents will confirm that the excursion's climax doesn't come until the very end.

Size doesn't matter, though, which is why we Americans aren't too concerned with the United Arab Emirates' latest project: the Burj Dubai.

Sure, it's going to be 600 feet taller than Chicago's tower. But look at it. Ours is just... well...

Ours is gentler.

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will publish his first-ever interview!

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Free Apple Quiches!

So we've gotten a lot of new readers lately, and it seemed like we ought to put together a FAQ. Well, here it is.

Q. Who is Paul Burns?

A. Paul Burns is a candidate for President of the United States in the 2008 election.

Q. For real?

A. Sure, why not? Check out his biography. There's even a picture!

Q. No, I mean, for real in real life?

A. Ah, why didn't you say so? For the answer to that, you should check out this page.

Q. What party does Paul Burns belong to?

A. Paul Burns is not affiliated with any political party. In the past, he has been affiliated with certain non-political parties, but these were usually over by 1 AM.

Q. What is Paul Burns's stance on [insert issue here]?

A. See for yourself.

Q. Paul Burns's opinion on [issue] is different than mine!

A. No it isn't.

Q. Who is his running-mate?

A. Jessica Alba.

Q. What's their slogan?

A. PB&J: Spread the Word.

Q. That's clever.

A. We try.

Q. Who are his advisors? Does he have a Cabinet in mind? Who are his biggest rivals?

A. All is revealed.

Q. I hate Paul Burns and I want to destroy him! What should I do?

A. Sorry, but all three of our current Axis of Evil spots are already filled. It's an exclusive club; you're not the first to want in.

Q. I love Paul Burns and I want to support him! What should I do?

A. Link to us on your website! Leave comments! Tell your friends! Send us encouraging e-mail! And, when the time comes, vote Burns! The only thing we don't require is money, as Paul Burns is already fabulously wealthy. And handsome.

Q. I have a question I want to ask Paul Burns, or an issue I'd like him to address.

A. Fantastic! Send it in, and if we like it, we'll answer it on the blog.

Q. How do I contact you guys?

A. All questions / comments / suggestions / hate mail should be e-mailed to: BurnsForAmerica [at] gmail [dot] com

Q. What's the square root of two?

A. Now you're just being irrational.

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

It's a common problem these days: you want to keep up with current events, but you just don't have the time! If you're like most Americans, you're probably thinking, "I want a quick, easy way to keep up with my news. And I want it in fourteen lines or less."

"And dammit, I want it in iambic pentameter."

Let's rock and roll:

Current Events Sonnet #1 in D Minor

The Reverend Wright says "Damn America,"
Obama says, "He's great, but he's insane."
And in the District of Columbia
Our Number One's got Israel on the brain.
Our housing market's sliding down the tubes
While Rowling's getting testy with a fan,
Anonymous is pwning Hubbard's n00bs
Some Texans want three girls for every man.
Hamas considers Carter's dialogue,
The price of gas, ascendant, causes woe,
Beijing thinks runners like inhaling smog,
South Africa tells China where to go.
Mugabe still thinks "voting" means "repression"
But hey, at least we're not in a recession!

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will talk about Chicago's embarrassing little problem.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Wait wait, don't tell me

Good news, everybody! We found a loophole in the Bill of Rights!

Okay so check it out, the Eighth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution:

"Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted."

Notice the wording. Not "cruel or unusual" - it says "cruel and unusual." You know what this means, right? The stuff we do to criminals can be as weird as we want, as long as we're not actually being evil about it.

This changes everything!

I mean, come on, the legal system could be so much more fun. Why, just imagine the possibilities:

  • Paris Hilton - to be placed under the authority of a third-grade math teacher until such time as she shall demonstrate the ability to successfully multiply and divide single-digit numbers

  • Wesley Snipes - to perform "I'm a Little Teapot" once for each dollar withheld in federal income taxes

  • Eliot Spitzer - to have the word "IRONY" tattooed on his bald spot

  • Martha Stewart - to have her house redecorated by Little Richard

  • Barry Bonds - to learn the complete chemical formula for anabolic steroids

  • Alberto Gonzales - to be legally renamed "Speedy Gonzales" - referring, of course, to the rate at which he is able to purge facts from his long-term memory.
On second thought, maybe some of those actually are kind of cruel. Well, we're new at this, perhaps we need some help. If you have any creatively humane criminal punishments, post them in the comments.

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will get you up to speed on current events, in a fun and exciting way!

Saturday, April 26, 2008

+5 to your Happy stat

Some of Paul Burns's supporters have blogs. Sometimes we read those blogs.

Sometimes, those blogs have stuff that is pretty cool.

That is all.

Friday, April 25, 2008

All about the Jeffersons

Presidential campaign finance laws are complex. You've got hard money, soft money, private contributions, public financing, money for primaries, money for the general election...look, nobody actually understands how it works. Not even the candidates get it. They just take all the money they can, and if another candidate gets more than them, they say a law was broken. Paul Burns doesn't know how it works either.

And what Paul Burns doesn't understand, he reforms.

Forget the old system. Throw it out. There's a new sherriff in town, and his campaign finace system goes like this:

  1. Unlimited contributions are allowed on September 19.
  2. Personal checks with background pictures of one's own children are not allowed under any circumstances.
  3. The candidate's mother may give him or her up to thirty-five dollars per week, if he or she promises not to spend it all in one place.
  4. Any coins a magician "finds" behind a candidate's ear are permissible so long as the candidate does not figure out the trick.
  5. Wishing wells are fair game.
  6. All Mafia contributions must be thoroughly laundered.
  7. If the dollar amount of the contribution is even, it must be paid in two-dollar bills (except as provided by Rule 8).
  8. If the dollar amount of the contribution is over $1,000 it must be paid in buffalo nickels.
  9. There is no Rule 9.
  10. Candidates may keep all money obtained via Deal Or No Deal, Jeopardy, and Wheel of Fortune, but not Survivor.
  11. Rules 3-5 only apply on Tuesdays, except as provided by Rule 9.
  12. No individual may give any candidate more than $3,141,592,265 in a single day.
  13. Candidates may be excused from Rule 12 if they look guilty enough.
  14. There is no Rule 12.

There, that ought to keep you people happy.

Be sure to tune in Monday, when Paul Burns will discuss the Eighth Amendment. Yeah, that's right, the Eighth. You want to fight about it?

Thursday, April 24, 2008

An instance of sesquipedalianism

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one presidential candidate to distinguish himself unequivocally from his compatriots, myriad potentialities await his perusal. Yet the selection of a suitable gambit, diminutive in its execution, is brobdingnagian in its consequence.

But whatever the stratagem, literary eloquence is perforce a necessity. Extinct, now, is the constituency that accepts an ipse dixit of supremacy; the bloviate candidate will find his endeavors filipendulous, and be forced to absquatulate, lest he face floccinaucinihilipilification. The eristic candidate, likewise, will be perceived as bellicose, a pugilist with greater proclivity toward fistiana than productive discourse; nor will the proletariat submit to an indecisive candidate, whose tropophobia will lead him to bumbling oratory perambulations, endless anacoluthons, and inclinations metamorphosing hebdomadally.

Paul Burns, therefore, founds his nikhedonia on his superlative lexicon, his luculent prose, and his agnogenic (but self-evident) cerebral refulgence. Of quaternary (but nonetheless central) importance are his coadjutants, who incandesce like faculae upon Paul's puissance - metaphorically of course.

They include:

  • A confidante of aspect both callipygous and bathycolpian
  • A luminary who chastises nescient badauds once per nychthemeron
  • An advisor whose galeanthropy is justified
Though his ubiquitous adversaries warray him with assaults both facinorous and jejune, Paul Burns declines to riposte their hubris with jactancy - nor meet their missteps with schadenfreude. Not for him the fimicolous paradigm of self-aggrandizement! He stands for the obolary - the vagient - the calvous. His government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth!

Also: yesterday he bought a thesaurus.

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will explain his thoughts on campaign finance reform, using small words.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Fly the friendly skies, and also Kashyyyk

What's the best thing about being President of the United States?

No, besides the nukes. And the chicks. And the eternal place in history. And the massive, massive inflow of cash.

Okay what I'm getting at here is Air Force One. When you're President, you get to ride in Air Force One, and it's awesome. I mean, they actually give you your own personal Boeing 747. Two of them, in fact. Can you even imagine how cool that would be? Think about your first car, how excited you were to suddenly be able to drive to Slick's Video Store whenever you felt like it. Now imagine your new car is the length of three blue whales and cruises at nine-tenths the speed of sound, and "Slick's Video Store" is Geneva.

See why Paul Burns wants to be President?

But if there's one thing we Americans want, it's more. And as cool as AFO is, Mr. Burns nonetheless finds it a bit...lacking. Aluminum alloy? So last century. Lack of hover? Please. It's time the President got a ride that's a little more...presidential.

Enter the Air Force Zero. An Incom T-65 X-wing starfighter, modified to include HDTV, fuzzy dice, and a tactical nuclear warhead, will serve as Mr. Burns's conveyance of choice. Its advanced capabilities, including hyperdrive, planetary orbit, atmospheric reentry, defense shields, and blasters, will enable the President to execute his duties more easily: to negotiate with other statesmen far across the galaxy, and, if necessary, blow them into tiny tiny pieces. The Air Force Zero will also be useful in ensuring compliance with our administration's Death Star policy.

So, who are you going to vote for: the candidate flying the fighter that won the Battle of Yavin, or the candidate who bent his Wookiee?

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will dazzle you with his literary prowess!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

It tastes likes Burns-ing

Perhaps you've heard by now that Ralph Wiggum is running for President.

Take a look at his campaign home page. Go on, look around; there's no harm in it, right? Yes, take your time, savor its vibrant colors, its sweet and heady aroma. A brave new candidate, untainted by scandal or criticism. Exuberant. Uncynical. Refreshing.

Done yet?

Ralph Wiggum is the Devil Incarnate.

Oh, he seems innocent enough. After all, what could be more faultless, more unassuming, than an eight-year-old boy? What, indeed. Beneath that youthful exterior beats a twisted Machiavellian heart. But don't take my word for it. Examine his platform yourself:

His slogan – “I Dig the Wig” An extraordinarily subtle reference to the Whig Party, formed in opposition to an unpopular President who overextended the power of the Executive. Sound familiar? Oh yes indeed. But the Whig party destroyed itself in the end through its own divisiveness, and at length grew so putrid that Abraham Lincoln quit it in shame. No wonder Mr. Wiggum chooses not to make such statements overtly.

His stance on immigration – “Stranger danger!” It's every candidate's dream: appeal to the basest instincts of mankind, play off his fears, turns him against his closest neighbors in his fanatical devotion to your cause. But how to do so without coming off as a racist warmonger? Simple: cloak your hateful message in the lexicon of a harmless young boy, say it in a singsong voice, and make it rhyme. Oscar the Grouch would be proud.

His stance on foreign relations – “When we’re mad we’ll use our words. Then the rest of the world will play nice with us. And the only boom-booms will be in our pants.” And what words would those be, Mr. Wiggum? Are we speaking, perhaps, of appeasement? And I hardly think the Woman's Christian Temperance Union would approve of boom-booms in our pants.

His stance on ethics – “I’m Ralph Wiggum and I’ve been a good boy.” Have you, Mr. Wiggum, have you?

Citizens, this "Wiggum" is an even greater threat to our nation's prosperity than Cthulhu, a more potent foe even than the Axis. He must be stopped. Join me, and we will rule the galaxy as father and son!!

I mean...

Look, just don't vote for him, okay?

Anyway - be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will make his campaign more aerodynamic!

Monday, April 21, 2008

Peter Jennings would have stopped them

Betraid, indeed. O cruel world, that hath such iniquities in't! But then, the life of a kitten is a difficult one, fraught with many perils arising from its inherent cuteness. And we witness today one of the very cruelest such exploitations: LOLcats.

The name itself gives an immediate clue as to the kind of wickedness going on. Innocent kittens, played cruelly for laughs, and decent English grammar made a mockery of! Why, it's unconscionable. Just look at these hideous samples of kitten injustice ("kittinjustice" for short) -

Real and painful cat disabilities callously mocked

Natural cheerfulness cynically lampooned

Legitimate feline contributions to computer science needlessly belittled

Cat violence shamelessly glorified

And, perhaps most horrible of all, an instance of ailurophagy offered as a joke

Friends, ailurophagy is very real, and it is anything but funny. Its awful specter has already tainted Canadian politics; how long till its influence is felt here as well? Already we can see the beginnings of its Stateside malfeasance.

O Canada, you do your part to stop the horror, we'll do ours. And in the meantime, could you let us borrow Ryan North for a few months? Please? We'll let you have Scott Kurtz!

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will take aim at a heretofore-unrevealed political rival!

Friday, April 18, 2008

I believe the spelling you're looking for is "phat"

Every President has a legacy.

I can prove it! Hit the link below, and listen to the MP3 (the one that says "The Presidents"):

Click ye here

Pretty sweet, no? And it really makes you think about your place in history. I mean, our 27th President - a man who was strongly anti-war but understood the perils of pacifism, a man who politically outmaneuvered Theodore Roosevelt, a man who sacrificed his life's ambition in order to serve people who were not even his countrymen, a man who founded a dynasty, a man who personally (and successfully) negotiated with the Vicar of Christ - had his Presidential term summarized as follows:

"Taft was big and fat and had a mustache."

Meanwhile his predecessor, who actually thought that killing thousands of Filipinos was good for the Philippines, has his face on Mount Rushmore. It's a fine line, apparently.

Paul Burns, of course, has his own legacy to consider. But if good Presidenting can't guarantee a good legacy, what can? Well, if history is any judge, you need to get into a war - and you need to win it. Washington, Lincoln, Wilson, FDR, Truman - these are the guys you hear about. You don't so much have to be good (though it doesn't hurt) - you have to make America look good.

So, to summarize: find a comparatively weak and unpopular nation, come up with a just cause, go to war, take 'em out = Good Legacy.

Funny how it always comes back to nuking France.

Be sure to tune in on Monday, when Paul Burns will discuss ailurophagy!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

...and for the active lifestyle, give somnambulism a try

And now, a word from the candidate.

"Hi, I'm Paul Burns!

You know, it isn't easy getting enough sleep these days. There are so many distractions! Work...driving the daughter to rugby practice, the son to ballet...responding to each and every comment on your LiveJournal...crafting elaborate schemes to convert blog posts directly into cash. It can be tough! But I'm running for President (of the USA, no less) and I still get eight, nine, sometimes fifteen hours of sleep at night. How do I do it?

What, you say? This isn't Oprah? It's not my job, as President, to solve your everyday personal problems? Ha-ha! Still living in the 1920s, are we? Oh, how wrong you are. Modern Americans expect the President to solve all their problems, no matter how minute! And they should. I mean, let's face it: you people are dapper and good-looking, but do you really expect me to believe you can function without the federal government's intervention? Please.

So like I was saying: the secret to getting a good night's sleep. Well, my friends, the secret to getting a good night's sleep is to lie. (Hehe - no, not lie down, although that would indeed be an excellent pun.) Think about it. What cuts into your sleep? Responsibilities, right? So lie about them! For example:

Daughter: "Mommy, why didn't you read me a bedtime story last night?"
You: "Oh, sorry, sweetie. Mommy contracted a sudden illness and didn't want to get her children sick!"

Or this:

Boss: "You're late."
You: "Oh, it was terrible - they just came out of nowhere, bullets flying. Pandas with AKs, never seen anything like it before."

Or even:

Surgeon: "Doctor, you were supposed to be here three hours ago! This patient had a triple quadruple cerebral meltdown dysfunction! In the name of all that is good, why, Doctor, why, why, WHY?"
You: "Cerebral what now?"

Of course, while I am all for this strategy for you, please be assured that I myself do not lie in any way, shape, or form. After all, if there's one thing Americans expect from their Presidents even more than hand-holding, it's honesty.

Peace out."

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will in fact rock your socks off.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Lennon would be proud

You know, it's funny. Everyone wants world peace. Everyone! Even the people who are out there doing the shooting, the killing, they want world peace too. They're only killing to prevent the other killers from doing their killing. Killers killing killers killing killers killing... It almost seems as though, if we could just get everyone to stop killing, all at once, then nobody would have a reason to keep doing it anymore.

Naïve idealism? Well, yeah. We're a presidential campaign. It's, like, what we do.

What we need is a distraction. Something to take the minds of the world's armies/terrorists/insurgents/Halo-players off of violence just long enough to break the cycle. Something so overwhelmingly benevolent, so inherently nonviolent, so completely reassuring, that they will have no choice but to lay down their arms (and, presumably, their guns).

But what, you ask, what is there that could possibly fill such a role?

My friends, it is not for nothing that Paul Burns has consistently supported his feline compatriots; it is not for nothing that his National Security Advisor comes from their very ranks. In these times of crisis, for the sake of world peace...we must look to the kittens.

Squads of kittens will be dispatched to North Korea, Zimbabwe, Pakistan, Iraq, Sri Lanka, all the violent and war-torn regions of the world. These animals, specially trained by the Navy SEALs and Green Berets, will utilize the very latest in precision cuteness technology. They will overwhelm their targets with adorability, unleashing such a massive quantity of sweetness, cuddliness, and sheer gosh-darn-it cuteness that those engaged in violence will have no choice but to surrender.

This strategy, dubbed "Shock and Awww," will be a massive undertaking, requiring approximately ten billion kittens worldwide in a single week; but it will be worth it. For in that week, the forces of corruption, of instability, of fear and aggression, will come to understand once and for all that they simply cannot stand against the Furry Phalanx.

But wait, you say. Will this work on everyone? What about the really mean ones, the lifelong criminals, the mafiosi, the dictators - god forbid, the nihilists? Do we have some kind of backup plan to crack the really tough cases? Can kittens alone truly bring about world peace - or is there some other force that could augment that power, rendering them even more unstoppable?

I'm glad you asked.

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, and learn how Paul Burns can help you get a better night's sleep!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

We hold no truths to be self-evident

Let's talk about nihilism!

For those who don't specialize in knowing about idiotic philosophies, here's a quick rundown on what those silly nihilereenos believe:

nihilism - the denial of all real existence or the possibility of an objective basis for truth.

So nihilists literally believe in nothing. Which means you can insult them all you want, because how can they take offense? Why, that would require a system of values! So yeah, it's really fun. Hey, stupid nihilists! You stupid stupid-face poopy-heads! You are stupid! And also dumb! Yeah!

Anyway: nihilists, please support our cause, and vote for Paul Burns. Because really, if you don't believe in anything anyway, why not support him? Heck, ethics is meaningless! There is no overriding good, not even the desire to be lazy! You have absolutely no reason to pursue any course of action over any other, no direction, no purpose, no rest for your weary, blackened, twisted, misshapen lump of a soul. So why not cast your vote for the only candidate who recognizes your concerns, however dismissively?

Do the right thing. Or, in your case, the thing that is the same as all the other things. Vote Burns.

By the way, has anyone else noticed that apathy is, like, the functional equivalent of nihlism? Can you imagine if we could actually harness American apathy for the greater good? We...we would be as gods!! (Of course, that might not actually be a good thing. But still.)

Apathy and nihilism for Burns in '08!

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will explain a foolproof, no-fail way to achieve world peace in less than one week.

Monday, April 14, 2008

...and a really big reflecting pool

If you've been hanging around this site for a while, you know by now that Paul Burns has opinions on pretty much everything. But then, when you're looking to be the leader of 300 million people, that's sort of your job! So today we're going to talk about his opinion on presidential memorials, and what kind of memorial he'd like for himself. Some would say, of course, that he is getting way ahead of himself, that there are more important things to worry about, that such thinking indicates a hubris that borders on the pathological.

Ha ha! None of that is true.

Anyway, before Paul Burns can decide what kind of memorial he wants for himself, he has to take a look at what's been done already. So without further ado:

The Lincoln Memorial


  • None
Overall Success as a Memorial:
The site of King's "I Have a Dream" speech. Appears on the five-dollar bill (the penny doesn't count). Excellent notoriety. A+

The Washington Monument

  • Tallest building in the world at the time of construction
  • Has that old-school Egyptian vibe
  • It's awesome, I mean just look at it
  • Obvious target for alien invaders
  • Kind of phallic
Overall Success as a Memorial:
Sheer coolness overrides other factors. A

The FDR Memorial

  • Has waterfalls
  • Better than James A. Garfield's memorial
  • Includes a statue of Fala
  • Spread-out and weird
  • Statue of the Great Depression is, well, depressing
  • When a President leaves behind specific instructions on what kind of monument he wants, and you make it, is it really necessary to make another one just so you can have waterfalls?
Overall Success as a Memorial:
Nobody really knows about it, and it's not inspiring. So, I mean, what the heck? C

The Garfield Memorial

  • It is a big statue
  • It is a big statue
Overall Success as a Memorial:
None. But then, what do you really expect when you're President for less time than it takes to have a baby? F

So, what have we learned from all this? Well, nothing, actually. But as far as Paul Burns monuments go, how about those big cool-looking towers from Malaysia?

Yeah, them! What do you say, Kuala Lampur? We'll even pay for the shipping!

Anyway, be sure to tune in tomorrow, when we'll be talking about nihilism.

Friday, April 11, 2008

What you're about to read...may shock you

Gas prices in America are outrageous. How can those oil companies justify it? I mean, the only thing they have to do is travel to remote locations around the world, find new sources of crude oil, figure out innovative ways of extracting it, ship the oil to refineries, use ridiculously complex mechanical and chemical processes to turn it into gasoline, ship it to a distribution terminal, process it further, and ship it to thousands of gas stations without ever a hiccup in supply! And just because of that, they want to sell us a gallon of gas for the price of a 20-ounce coffee from Starbuck's?!


Luckily, Paul Burns isn't going to take it anymore. He's gotten to the bottom of this scam, and he knows exactly what's going on. As it turns out, it isn't those dastardly oil companies - because really, let's face it, if they could've just jacked up their rates anytime they felt like it, they would've done that a long time ago. No, the real culprit here is a force deeper, more sinister, more hideous, than any of us would care to imagine.

Think about it: who has the most to gain from high gas prices?

That's right. Daytime soap operas.

If gas is expensive, you can't drive, and if you can't drive, you're not going to go anywhere. But if you're home all day, what are you going to do? Write a book? Take up juggling? Create a fake presidential campaign? Hardly. You're going to watch Claire cheat on her cancer-stricken boyfriend Marcus with her best friend's fiance, Simon, to get back at her manipulating mother except it turns out it was all just a dream anyway. It's like having the stupid drama of a reality TV show without the unusual premise or the spontaneity! And you will sit there and suck it all in, day after day. Because the only thing dirtier than Big Big Soap.

So watch out, Days of Our Lives. Paul Burns is on to your little scheme, and if he gets elected, Claire won't be the only one getting screwed by a politician.

Be sure to tune in Monday, when the candidate will tell you his ideas for his very own presidential memorial!

Thursday, April 10, 2008

More like, Second Law of STUPID-dynamics

So I think everyone can agree: things are bad, and they're pretty much only going to get worse.

But have you ever wondered why? Turns out, it's the government's fault. (Shocker!) During the Roaring Twenties, the Coolidge Administration - fearing an excess of prosperity - helped pass a law to guarantee life wouldn't just keep getting better forever and ever.

The edict, dubbed the Second Law of Thermodynamics, was a huge success and was directly responsible for the Great Depression just two years later. Continued enforcement of the law ensured the Depression could not be ended without something even worse (a world war), which itself could not be ended without something yet worse (nuclear weapons). Finally, the end of the nuclear arms race ushered in an era where we could destroy the whole planet without even using weapons, and that's about where we are right now. At the rate things are going, most scientists expect all life on Earth to be obliterated "in about five minutes."

Friends, this law is a huge mistake, and I ask for your support in having it repealed! Obama may speak of a brighter future, McCain may push for a stronger foreign policy, but what good are prosperity and security when it's all going down the tube in a hundred trillion trillion years anyway? No, indeed. If elected, I will push Congress to end this silliness as soon as possible, and propose in its place a Second Law of Awesome: the mandate that everything must get continually more wonderful from now until Forever. According to our calculations, this means that by the year 2024, cupcakes will taste like happiness and strawberries at the same time.

Paul McCartney has already expressed his support for this idea. Won't you do the same?

Please, think of the kittens.

Be sure to tune for tomorrow's post, in which Paul Burns will unmask a conspiracy!

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

The pros and cons of becoming a living god

And now, a message from the candidate:

"So: apotheosis.

It's something every President has to consider at one time or another. Sure, you're the leader of the world's only remaining superpower, beloved of millions, sole wielder of a force that in elder days was not dreamed of even by poets. But do you take the plunge, push it one step further, and make yourself a deity? Or do you just leave office, content that you could have destroyed the planet by pushing a button, even if there wasn't any worshiping per se?

It may sound like a no-brainer to the uninitiated. You might well ask: why wouldn't you assume the Divine Nature? Well, I'll tell you why...

Reasons Why Godhood is Problematic

1. A lot of people are still going to say you're not a god. I know, I know - just have them rounded up and shot, right? But then you get international outrage, and the Supreme Court goes all First Amendment on you, and it just gets bad. Trust me. That kind of response never ends well.

2. The afterlife. Nobody really knows what's waiting beyond the veil of death, but even agnostics have to think that claims to divinity might not meet a happy response. "I wasn't sure if You were real or not" - that could fly. "I figured I would just usurp Your Most Holy Throne" - maybe not so much.

3. Your followers aren't going to listen to you anyway. The orders of the President are obeyed. The orders of a god? Well, when believers in a deity whose greatest commandment is to love everyone, even your enemies, go on a killing spree against other people who also believe in's hard to be optimistic.

4. Incense. Yuck.

5. History does not favor this sort of thing. Either your religion turns out to be really dumb, or everyone who believes in you is stoned, or else you just come off looking like a douchebag. And of course, claiming to be God can also attract unwanted attention.

On the other hand, Presidents who do pull this off get some really nice frescoes.

Well, it's a tough one, but I've got some time to think it over. I'll let you know what I decide. In the meantime, feel free to continue with the religion of your choice. I guess. I mean, you know, whatever."

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when we will discuss an unpopular law!

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

As regards the zombie apocalypse

It's time once again to answer a question submitted by YOU, the readers of this blog!

"I want to hear his [Paul Burns's] stance on us zombies. Are we classified as citizens - or even humans - for that matter? Just because we want to eat your brains doesn't make us bad people."
-"anonymous," presumably a zombie

Well, anonymous - if that is your real name - this is a complicated issue you've opened up. On the one hand, we cannot deny that zombies are just as much a part of our great nation as anyone else, that they, too, have a right to the pursuit of happiness. Yet on the other (decayed, rotting) hand, we must recognize that ordinary, non-un-dead folk shouldn't have to live in constant fear of their brains being devoured. What's a forward-thinking society to do?

The answer is as easy as the proverbial apple pie. Zombies will face no criminal charges as long as they only eat the brains of people who aren't using them anyway.

Be sure to check out tomorrow's post, in which Paul Burns is faced with a difficult decision!

Monday, April 7, 2008

It is an exciting new paradigm

Being President is fun, but it has its problems. There are the assassination attempts, of course. There's the fact that people are always after you to do things, even if all you really want to do is play DDR for a week straight. And then Congress is just nonstop with the legislation, one thing after another, always something new on your desk (two words on that, by the way: pocket veto). Still, the very worst part of being President (or even campaigning to be) is definitely that no matter what, everyone is always blaming you for stuff. Maybe they're upset about stuff you did; maybe they're upset about stuff you didn't do. What is it with you people and your high expectations, anyway?

Well, it's no surprise that Paul Burns has the answer: a scapegoat!

Meet Jeff Fetters, a mild-mannered, civic-minded young man who has graciously volunteered to assume responsibility for all mistakes, gaffes, blunders, errors, lapses in judgment, and generally any blameworthy actions or inactions whatsoever on the part of the Burns Campaign, for all time. Unhappy with parts of the Burns Platform? Blame Jeff. Think the website looks stupid? It's Jeff's fault! You get the idea.

Thanks, Jeff!

Even better, for the entire month of April, Paul Burns has graciously offered Jeff's scapegoat services to the entire nation! That's right, if you're an American citizen, and it's April 2008, you can attribute any and all of your own shortcomings to Jeff Fetters, absolutely free! This gracious offer is made as a token of goodwill toward voters everywhere. Burns is lookin' out for ya. Of course, after April, we'll have to start charging. Campaign costs and all - you understand.

Man. One person, taking the blame for everyone else's misdeeds, for the betterment of all? How come no one's thought of this before?

Anyway, be sure to tune in tomorrow, when we will answer one of YOUR questions!

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Who's Who

There's been a lot of activity in the Burns Campaign lately, and it can be easy to lose track of who the major players are. Here's a consolidated list of everyone who's anyone, all on one convenient page! This list will be kept up-to-date as new developments develop.

The Dynamic Duo

Presidential Candidate - Paul Burns

The man himself. Official biography

Running-Mate - Jessica Alba

Putting the J in PB&J. Official announcement

The Cabinet

Secretary of Defense - Avery Brooks

Known for being Defiant. Official announcement

Secretary of Homeland Security (renamed "Secretary of Roundhouse Kicking Terrorists in the Face") - Chuck Norris

Subject of many jokes, object of none. Official announcement

Secretary of F***ing Awesome - Patrick Stewart

Because he is. Official announcement

Other Roles

Chief Justice of the Supreme Court - Samuel L. Jackson

Doesn't need Tom Cruise to write his Minority Report. Official announcement

Presidential Slapper - Wonder Woman

Who's afraid of Kryptonite? Official announcement

National Security Advisor - Nemo

Declaw this. Official announcement

Scapegoat - Jeff Fetters.

Get off me. Official announcement

The Opposition

Democratic candidate - Barack Obama

I'm a regular guy, just like you. Haha! No, but seriously, I have millions of dollars. Campaign home

Democratic candidate - Hillary Clinton

Two Bushes but only one Clinton? Come now. Campaign home

[Update: pwned.]

Republican candidate - John McCain

Hey, you guys pretty much liked Dubya, right? Okay cool. Campaign home

Unholy Living Shrine to Malevolence - Cthulhu

Crrgggghrrr. Campaign home

Axis of Evil

The Borg.

All in all, you're just another brick in the Cube. Official announcement

The Cylons.

Old-school, yo. Official announcement

The Sith.

Sith happens. Official announcement

Last But Not Least

Campaign Manager - Brian Buckley

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

It is really pretty simple


Friday, April 4, 2008

Hippies to ignite effigy in candidate's honor

We at the Burns Campaign recently learned of an exciting new event being planned right now to demonstrate support for our cause. Some hippies have apparently discovered the Internet and are using it to propagate their excitement for Paul. Excellent! The project (named "Burning Man" in a clever play on his surname) will be held in the Black Rock Desert of Nevada, around late August. Highlights will include:

Nudity. Paul Burns has requested that at least 45% of it be hot.

Art. Nothing says "freedom of expression" like a giant spider car. And we all know how Paul Burns feels about the First Amendment!

Giant-statue-burning. The statue represents Burns's political rivals. Nothing says "racial equality" like a burning statue of Barack Ob- er, John McCain?

Only rich people allowed in. To pay for the Burns Campaign, of course. Nothing says "radical inclusion" like $295 tickets.

Mike Huckabee.

Nah, just kidding.

Anyway, it looks to be a great fund-raiser, and we're really excited about it. Although Paul Burns himself will likely not be attending (citing a desire not to be "touched" or "looked at" or "within smelling distance") he nonetheless wishes these enthusiastic kids the best of luck, and authorizes them to stay up all the way till midnight.

At which point he will, of course, have to execute them all for being Communists.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

(Quantum) observational humor

Politics is a tricky business. You're trying to attract as many voters as possible, but practically anything you say alienates someone! Take health care, for instance. If a candidate says "I am all for the universal health care," half the country is going to boo you off the stage. But if you are like "I don't think that's a good idea," you alienate the other half! And that's just one issue. Can you imagine trying to unite a whole country behind you on every single issue?

I know!

Fortunately, with the aid of science, this problem has been resolved. Check it out: quantum physics says that stuff can exist in multiple states at the same time, and it's only by the act of observation that the multiple states "collapse" into one.

I know!

While there are numerous applications for such a discovery, Paul Burns is the first one to use it for politics. You see, while traditional (or "classical") candidates pick only a single stance on an issue and hope for the best, Burns is actually able to hold every possible view on an issue simultaneously, and then collapse to a single view when you ask his opinion.

To the untrained eye, this might seem like wishy-washy-ness, flip-floppery, or just plain old-fashioned cowardice. But in contrast to previous candidates, Paul Burns is actually being completely consistent, never changing his stance from one moment to the next. Which nations would he like to allow into NATO? All possible combinations - at once. Is he pro-life or pro-choice? Yes. In a quantum democracy, you, the voter, decide what the President thinks at any given time.

But wait, you ask! What happens if Paul Burns looks into a mirror and observes himself? Wouldn't he then be forced to have some sort of concrete opinion?

Not to worry, gentle voters. Using the latest science, Paul Burns is also a vampire!

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Paul Burns will seriously*, no joke**, get you a Wii

American opinion is split on many issues. How do we handle rising gas prices? What can be done to stop the stark, unmitigated horror of parents teaching their children things - without government approval? Who, precisely, let the dogs out? But while controversy both unites and divides this great nation, there is one thing voters can agree on: they want a Wii.

Oh, they may not admit it. "I'm still happy with my Gamecube," many will say. "The PS3 has better graphics anyway." "I like the security of knowing my console could crush a small child."

Others go even further, claiming to prefer such lightweights as Bejeweled and Puzzle Pirates, or even - doffing all logic - not to like videogames at all, favoring so-called "real" activities like jogging, dating, and typing up blog posts.

Ah, denial; you are not just a river in South America. No matter how we might feign contempt or disinterest, we all know it's just a thin veneer over the deep-seated need to go bowling merely by making arm motions. For too long, Americans have staggered on under the weight of this injustice; for too long, we have called Gamestops and Wal-marts at all hours of the day, covering our shame with a quick "Talk to you later, Mom" when a co-worker comes within earshot. No more. Let us stand up and waggle our Wii-motes with pride, wrist straps fastened securely around our arms.

Paul Burns has a plan.

The problem is simple: according to the latest statistics, just over 300 million Americans want a Wii, while there are in fact only 49 Wiis that actually exist in the United States, total. The excess Wiis, it is believed, are all being diverted to France; a mall Santa asked Nicolas Sarkozy whether he would like any gifts for his birthday, and his one-word affirmative was wildly misinterpreted. Since then, the sweet, sweet Nintendo goodness has been flowing like radiant ambrosia into the land of wine and cheese.

The solution, of course, is to nuke France.

I know, I know - crazy, right? That's how it is these days - any little suggestion of nuclear warfare, and everyone gets all up in arms over it. But don't worry, we've thought this through.

We did the math. We'll still have plenty of nukes left over for other purposes.

*no, not seriously

**actually a joke

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

An atypical genesis

April Fools' Day - like Arnold Schwarzenegger, democracy, and basically all good things - is a thoroughly American construct without any foreign influence whatsoever. But how many know the true history of this august April holiday? After today, my friend, you will know, and you can spread your newfound knowledge like the first tender shoots of a modern bubonic plague. Because knowledge is power: raw, unbridled, megalomaniacal power. Join us, won't you, as we journey down...

The Severely Abridged History of April Fools' Day

The very first April Fools' Day was actually April 18, 1775, when Paul Revere made his now-legendary midnight ride to "warn" his fellow colonists of the supposedly impending invasion. "The British are coming! The British are coming!" he cried, hiding his snickers under a thick glove. Upon realizing the prank, the other Sons of Liberty were so angry that they rebelled against England anyway, "just to show him." The poor British soldiers never saw it coming.

It was Samuel Adams who, staggering out of a pub, first hit on the notion of turning Revere's ride into a national holiday; he claims not to remember this, but John Hancock notes this was "par for the course" for Adams. In subsequent years the date was changed to April 1, as most colonists could not count past nine (that being the average number of fingers at the time).

From there the idea spread like musketfire, and each year the jokes got more elaborate:

April 1803: Napoleon Bonaparte jokingly offered the western half of North America to Thomas Jefferson for two nickels and a Cracker Jack. Jefferson failed to get the joke. To commemorate the event, Jefferson demanded all future nickels be remade in his own image.

April 1887: Susanna M. Salter was elected the USA's first female mayor, of Argonia, Kansas. A woman in a political role? LOLZ

April 1, 1981: The Council of Ministers first introduced Daylight Savings Time to the USSR. This led to widespread protests when Russians discovered there was, in fact, no daylight to save.

Only three? Well, yeah. I told you it was severely abridged. There have of course been others.

So now you know. See, this is good - American citizens getting informed and learning history that is completely true and in no way made up, at all. An informed electorate, a proud and semi-literate electorate: this is the electorate that will put Paul Burns in office! Be proud of your April Fools' legacy! Remember, folks: when in doubt, Wikipedia has the answer. Always.

Now get out there and make somebody laugh.