From the reader mailbag

Today's question comes from a concerned citizen who's clearly been following the campaign and wants to know a little more about one of our platform's key planks: the kitten issue.

Q. Since he [Paul Burns] is "for the kittens" what is his stance on kittenwar.com, which abuses kittens' self-esteem by pitting their adorableness against each other in a vanity competition?
-Concerned

A. We'd like to think every kitten is treated with the respect and dignity it deserves. But the truth is, the cuteness of those little fluffballs is often abused for nothing more than a quick buck and a cheap thrill. My national security advisor should know - he was once a kitten himself, and he's seen this stuff first-hand. I don't envy him.

Follow me. We're about to journey down into the gritty, cutthroat underworld of professional kitten exploitation; and what a dark and winding road it is.



The site you mentioned, kittenwar.com, is one of the worst manipulators of kitten cuteness out there. Go ahead - take a look around, browse the hideous machinery of their superconducting kitten-collider. Oh, sure, these cats look happy and innocent enough. But each and every one of them has been forced to vie with others of their kind for supremacy, based solely on appearance. If you think the Miss America pageant is shallow, imagine living the horror of a nonstop, neverending beauty contest orchestrated by unfeeling computers, manipulating you without your consent, where the reward is two minutes of hollow fame and the cost is your soul.

Don't be fooled by the sweet line, "all our kittens are winners." The only winners in this twisted, power-hungry fur show are the ones who get out alive.

And the worst part is, kittenwar.com is just the tip of the iceberg. There are schemes to make exploitation more efficient by assigning each kitten's cuteness a number. There are kitten scouts who, unfazed by restraining orders, will stop at nothing to capture that perfect shot - day after day after day - all at the whims of someone called "the Kittenmaster." There are even kitten plots so horrifying that I shudder even to describe them.

Well, "Concerned" reader, I hope by now my position is clear. Kitten cuteness exploitation is a hideous, ongoing blight on our fair nation, and I will stop at nothing to end it forever. Join me, and together we can make a difference.

(Got a question for Paul Burns? An issue you'd like him to address? Send it to BurnsForAmerica [at] gmail [dot] com!)