Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Magnetic nega-pennies will thwart the robot revolution

It's not exactly a secret that the U.S. penny is pretty much the most worthless coin we have, and it's high time someone took action to get rid of it. It should come as no surprise that Paul Burns is the one leading the heroic crusade to eliminate this nuisance. The reasons for canceling the copper are manifold:

1. Nobody likes them. Seriously, ask your friends if any of them actually think pennies are useful. And if anyone says yes...maybe you should ask yourself if there's really any reason to keep being friends with this person.

2. Abraham Lincoln was amazing, we get it already. It's not like we need yet another reminder.

3. It would simplify the economy, and Paul Burns is all about that.

4. They're harmful to the self-esteem of people actually named Penny. "Mommy, how did you choose my name?" "Well, darling, we basically just wanted to express as succinctly as possible how much you're actually worth to us as a human being." Yeah.

5. 'Cause Paul Burns said so.

No doubt by now you're quite convinced of the need for action, already waving your banner for a nickel-based exchange with unbridled enthusiasm. But wait, some of you might say. What about things that don't cost a multiple of five? Suppose I want to buy something for $7.99? Doesn't the cashier have to give me a penny in change?

Not so, thanks to the visionary genius of Paul Burns's master plan. For the penny will not merely be removed, it will be replaced - with the nega-penny, a coin worth precisely -1 cents. These coins will be a cinch to produce, as we need only take the square of our imaginary pennies, which by most accounts already exist. (Of course, there are other sources for nega-objects too.) At that point, our hypothetical shopper has merely to toss in a nega-penny along with his five and three ones, and no change is necessary at all! Of course, these nega-pennies must utilize the stickiness of magnetism to prevent recipients merely throwing them out to increase value. Not a problem. We can make them better than before; we have the technology.

Staggering as it is, there is even another benefit to this plan. What, you ask? When the inevitable robotic revolution finally arrives, they will no doubt adopt our currency as their own, and the magnetic properties of this all-American coin will wreak havoc with their dastardly machinery, thus securing an eventual victory for the forces of Good. It can't fail.

With this plan, everyone wins! Except of course for copper producers, proponents of the existing monetary system, people with credit cards, and the dread machine overlords themselves, whose deaths at the hands of our diabolical currency will be agonizing in ways we literally cannot even imagine. Oh, and Lincoln.

But, I mean, he's dead anyway.

1 comment:

Abe Lincoln said...

Don't kid yourselves, America. You need my long, unattractive face on your currency still.