At least it's not a "dwarf planet"

If we're going to have a stronger America, we need a President who gets things done. A President who demands results from every government agency. A President who doesn't allow any agency to just slip by, year after year, quietly consuming its budget and producing nothing in return.

Yes, I'm talking about you, NASA.

Oh sure, you may talk big, with all your "advancing the human race," "helping win the Cold War," and "teaching us pretty much everything we know about the universe." But when it comes down to brass tacks, there are some real problems you haven't addressed. Yeah, I think you know what I'm talking about, too.

That's right. Uranus.

What's wrong with Uranus? Only everything. First of all, the name. The standard pronunciation, I think we can all agree, is right out. And don't even try to tell me the alternate pronunciation is any better, unless we want to argue over which state of matter we prefer our excrement in.

Secondly, it's sideways. Yes, sideways. Check out the picture:



I know, right? It's been this way for millions of years, and nobody's done anything about it? Sounds like a case of government inaction to me.

But not to worry! Paul Burns believes that a sufficient number of nuclear weapons can solve any problem, and this sideways planet is no exception. We'll get Paul Burns tilted back the right way in no time.

Um, yes, we renamed the planet Paul Burns. What did you think it was going to be?