Monday, March 31, 2008

The First Amendment is sort of overrated

So maybe you know about this thing called the First Amendment, it's pretty big in the U.S. these days. Seems like you can hardly walk into a Starbucks without hearing someone say "Congress shall make no law...abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press" and then their compatriots are all like "aye." And Paul Burns is into that stuff too - you know, the whole "Constitutionality" thing. But...let's not get crazy with it, okay?

Sure, there are some obvious forms of speech that have to be protected. Like, if you want to get on your LiveJournal and say "mood: lazy" and put up an icon of a cat with a sailor hat on its head and little stars around the edges, clearly that sort of thing cannot be - er - abridged. The same goes for all instances of the bicycle wheel as a mode of expression. But let's be honest. We've all had times in our lives where we've experienced the freedom of someone's speech and thought: we don't need that.

Proposed Exceptions to the First Amendment

1. Koans. Q. What is the sound of one hand clapping? A. How about if I demonstrate by slapping you in the face.

2. The novel Finnegans Wake. "Him belly no belong sollow mole pigeon. Ally bully. Fu Li's gulpa." Really, Mr. Joyce? Are you quite sure about that?

3. The use of more than two consecutive exclamation points. Disclaimer: exclamation points followed by the number "1" may lead to the modification of further amendments.

4. The umlaut. Seriöusly.

There may be more. Voters, be on the lookout!

Anyway - we can get this thing changed for the better, but it'll take some doing. Three-fourths of the states have to approve it? It's like they're trying to make this process hard.

Well, if you happen to be a state - you know what to do!

Saturday, March 29, 2008

A quick note from the candidate

Paul Burns would like to remind everyone that Earth Hour is tonight, so if you like the environment (or maybe just darkness?) then turn your lights out from 8 to 9 pm!

Here is a helpful diagram to show what your house would look like if you turned out all the lights:

The windows are closed too, okay?

It's still green, you understand. You just can't see it anymore.

Friday, March 28, 2008

From the reader mailbag

Today's question comes from a concerned citizen who's clearly been following the campaign and wants to know a little more about one of our platform's key planks: the kitten issue.

Q. Since he [Paul Burns] is "for the kittens" what is his stance on, which abuses kittens' self-esteem by pitting their adorableness against each other in a vanity competition?

A. We'd like to think every kitten is treated with the respect and dignity it deserves. But the truth is, the cuteness of those little fluffballs is often abused for nothing more than a quick buck and a cheap thrill. My national security advisor should know - he was once a kitten himself, and he's seen this stuff first-hand. I don't envy him.

Follow me. We're about to journey down into the gritty, cutthroat underworld of professional kitten exploitation; and what a dark and winding road it is.

The site you mentioned,, is one of the worst manipulators of kitten cuteness out there. Go ahead - take a look around, browse the hideous machinery of their superconducting kitten-collider. Oh, sure, these cats look happy and innocent enough. But each and every one of them has been forced to vie with others of their kind for supremacy, based solely on appearance. If you think the Miss America pageant is shallow, imagine living the horror of a nonstop, neverending beauty contest orchestrated by unfeeling computers, manipulating you without your consent, where the reward is two minutes of hollow fame and the cost is your soul.

Don't be fooled by the sweet line, "all our kittens are winners." The only winners in this twisted, power-hungry fur show are the ones who get out alive.

And the worst part is, is just the tip of the iceberg. There are schemes to make exploitation more efficient by assigning each kitten's cuteness a number. There are kitten scouts who, unfazed by restraining orders, will stop at nothing to capture that perfect shot - day after day after day - all at the whims of someone called "the Kittenmaster." There are even kitten plots so horrifying that I shudder even to describe them.

Well, "Concerned" reader, I hope by now my position is clear. Kitten cuteness exploitation is a hideous, ongoing blight on our fair nation, and I will stop at nothing to end it forever. Join me, and together we can make a difference.

(Got a question for Paul Burns? An issue you'd like him to address? Send it to BurnsForAmerica [at] gmail [dot] com!)

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Ringwraiths feel slighted over Axis of Evil snub

The new-and-improved Axis of Evil has met with widespread acclaim, but it faces its share of detractors as well - and chief among them are those most terrifying of Sauron's servants, the Ringwraiths.

"It's's so unfair," said a visibly upset Lord of the Nazgûl. "How could we not be included? I mean, sure, the Sith I can understand. It's Star Wars, we're not looking to edge out Star Wars. But come on, the Borg? The Cylons? We're the prime henchmen of the villain who defined the fantasy genre, and we're not even in the top three? It's like he doesn't even know we're here, like we're...we're...just invisible!" He then turned away quickly and lowered his cloak-hood to hide his long, sniffling sobs.

The Lord of the Nazgûl is also known as the Witch-king of Angmar, the Wraith-King, the Lord of Minas Morgul, the Black Captain, and the Ruler of the Nine.

"There, there," said fellow Ringwraith Khamûl, patting him gently on the back. "We seriously should have gotten that Axis spot though," he added, to the camera.

Paul Burns has responded, saying that while he regrets the omission, it's simply too late to change now. "This was sort of a first-come, first-serve deal," he explained. "Please understand, this in no way reflects personally on you or your fellow servants of the Unblinking Eye. But we can't add someone new at this stage in the game. Historically, malicious Axes have always had three members. A fourth Axis member, it would just be...wrong."

Morgoth was not available for comment, as he is currently banished to the great Void beyond the Walls of the World, awaiting Dagor Dagorath and the End of All Things.

However, a spokesman for the Dark Lord confirmed he would probably agree the exclusion of the Ringwraiths is "pretty weak sauce."

You have to admit this would be awesome

We all know how it goes, right? You've just settled in for a nice evening in the easy chair, you flip on the news, and then - what do you see?

That's right. Somewhere, somehow, someone has done something stupid.

It never fails, does it? And not just a little stupid, either. Not a day goes by that someone doesn't do something so incredibly dumb, so monumentally idiotic, that it makes you just not want to read the news anymore. C'mon, you know it's true.

Wouldn't it be nice if somebody would do something about that?

Somebody is.

Paul Burns today unveiled a new position in his administration: the Presidential Slapper, or P.S., to take care of the stupidity problem. It works like this. Each day, trained specialists will carefully monitor all the news and decide on the stupidest thing any single person has done that day. At the end of the day, the P.S. will be dispatched to slap that person in the face with a fish.

Yeah, that's right. A fish. So you learn something.

The purpose of this is threefold:

1. To punish the stupid person. Idiocy as a global phenomenon has just gone on far too long, and we need some accountability.

2. To make an example. You might think twice about parking across three parking spots if you read about that dude who just got Presidentially Slapped last night.

3. 'Cause we think it would be really fun.

So, who is the right person to be the P.S.? Who has the strength and courage to slap anyone in the world, the ability to travel the globe on a daily basis, and the moral fiber not to abuse such an awesome responsibility?

There is, of course, only one real answer.

P.S.: You just got slapped with a fish by Wonder Woman.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

The funniest political word we could think of


If you can do better, we'd like to see it.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Burns quells fears of a third Death Star

Paul Burns stated unequivocally today that there were no plans to construct a third superweapon, to the relief of many.

"I have already condemned the Sith as part of a new Axis of Evil," he said. "Now I would like to go one step further and clarify beyond any doubt that we will not construct another Death Star. The Death Star, and its successor the Death Star II, represent failed policies of a failed administration. You need have no fears on that front."

Burns cited as key reasons for this decision, "the fact that we all live on a single planet" (the Assured Destruction, or AD, argument) and "the high likelihood that a bunch of underfunded, courageous, ragtag rebels would just come blow it up anyway."

"Also," he added, "it wouldn't physically work. Have you ever tried shooting six lasers into a single point? They just go through each other. Man, that would be embarrassing."

Supporters and opponents alike widely applauded the decision, with one relieved citizen saying that building a third planet-destroyer would be "pretty much the worst idea ever." Another added, "We shouldn't be too proud of these technological marvels we create. The power to destroy a planet is nothing compared to the power of moving objects slightly, appearing as an impotent ghost, and killing individuals one at a time."

Critics, however, point out that a new Death Star could have been instrumental in carrying out one of Burns's key initiatives, blowing up the Moon. Also, Jimmy Randolph, age 8, points out that watching a planet blow up would be "wicked cool."

Burns declined to comment on the future construction of additional Sun Crushers, stating that their canonicity is "questionable at best."

Monday, March 24, 2008

Cat, "Nemo," named top military aide

In these frightening-ish times, it is important to know that the President is getting the best possible counsel on matters of defense, both against traditional threats and in the war on terror. Well, don't worry. Although the other candidates haven't even chosen running-mates yet, Paul Burns has already picked his National Security Advisor. And unlike those Cabinet posts with their pesky Senate-confirmation process, the National Security Advisor is whoever the President darn-well says it is. So without further ado, let us present:

Nemo is a cat with a long record of excellence in service. From his earliest years as a Kitten Kommando to his legendary service in the Great Catnip War of '07, Nemo has proven that he's got what it takes when it's time to get tough. He's extremely knowledgeable on foreign affairs (a trait he shares with his namesake, who is bipedal, not ichthyoid) and has strong ties with the government of Kathmandu.

"I was drawn to Paul Burns when I heard about his support for kittens," Nemo said (or would have, if he were capable of speech or sentient thought). "That's something that everyone just sort of takes for granted these days, so it was great to see a candidate really stand up and make a point about it. Do it for the kittens, he says. I will take that as my job description."

"I mean that in a strictly poetic sense," he added hypothetically. "I'm not stupid, of course."

The other members of Paul Burns's growing cadre expressed their support. "We of the Federation, I mean, Cabinet, welcome all life-forms, four-legged and otherwise," said Patrick Stewart, recently-appointed Secretary of F***ing Awesome.

Running-mate Jessica Alba agreed. "Omigosh he's so cute!! And cuddly," she explained. "Who's the cuddliest wuddliest kitten in the whole wide world? Who's my kitten? Who's my kitten?" Ms. Alba proceeded to make cooing noises at him, and described his little kitten suit (currently being tailored) as "absolutely adorable."

Presumptive Chief Justice Samuel L. Jackson added, "At least it's not a snake."

Of course, every nominee has his critics, and Nemo is no exception. Within hours of the announcement, political commentator Jon Arbuckle released this statement: "Sir, I knew Garfield, and you are no Garfield."

The inevitable detractors aside, Nemo enjoys widespread support in the cat community, and several prominent felines have already voiced their support, including Felix and Tom. Nemo's roommate, Ranger, also poked his cute little nose out from under the bed just long enough to add his own congratulations.

Nemo's owner, who wishes to remain anonymous, confirmed that Nemo "is a good kitty," but declined further comment.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Paul Burns wishes you a Happy Good Friday

Because, like, an unhappy Good Friday would just be ironic.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Lest there be any confusion

What with two people named Mr. Burns floating around, we thought it'd be best to clear up a few things about who's who, and more importantly, who isn't. Granted, the people confused by this are probably the same people who think Spock is the Roman god of fire, but that's okay; we don't judge. Paul Burns values all Americans, even the dumb ones!

So, let's break it down: that's Paul Burns on the left there, and Montgomery Burns on the right. As you can see, Paul is much better-looking than his centenarian counterpart, which (if Disney is any guide) indicates at once that he is morally superior, more likable, an all-around better guy - and destined to win. Running-mate Jessica Alba agrees: "Looks aren't everything," she explains, "but they really, really, really help!" You go, Jessica.

The two differ in other ways, also. Most obviously, Paul Burns is young and healthy, while Monty not only has a hideous, failing, blackened lump of a heart, but is also a cartoon character. And then there's the matter of Paul's thick, manly head of hair, a sharp contrast to his rival's dome, which (with the aid of a flashlight) could be used to beam signals into space. (Harsh, but true. Remember, folks, this is politics.) In fact, these two Burnses are so unlike that aside from their surname, they only have two things in common: they're ridiculously wealthy, and they're superlatively Caucasian. By contrast, the list of things they don't have in common is actually infinite. That's right: we just proved it, with MATH.

So, to summarize: Paul good, Monty evil, both white, Jessica Alba smokin' hot. There, that should clear up any lingering ambiguity.

Burns on the Issues

Below is a handy reference guide to Paul Burns's stance on a host of relevant issues. This page will be updated over time.

Ancient Tentacled Manifestations of Pure Evil - Against
Blowing up the Moon - For
Crime - Against
The Economy - For (sort of)
The First Amendment - iffy
Getting Rid of the Penny - For
Global Warming - Against
Jedi - For
Jessica Alba - For
Kittens - For
Minnesotan Lake Consolidation - For
No Sushi Left Behind Act - For
Sith - Against
Splitting up Pangea - Against

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Magnetic nega-pennies will thwart the robot revolution

It's not exactly a secret that the U.S. penny is pretty much the most worthless coin we have, and it's high time someone took action to get rid of it. It should come as no surprise that Paul Burns is the one leading the heroic crusade to eliminate this nuisance. The reasons for canceling the copper are manifold:

1. Nobody likes them. Seriously, ask your friends if any of them actually think pennies are useful. And if anyone says yes...maybe you should ask yourself if there's really any reason to keep being friends with this person.

2. Abraham Lincoln was amazing, we get it already. It's not like we need yet another reminder.

3. It would simplify the economy, and Paul Burns is all about that.

4. They're harmful to the self-esteem of people actually named Penny. "Mommy, how did you choose my name?" "Well, darling, we basically just wanted to express as succinctly as possible how much you're actually worth to us as a human being." Yeah.

5. 'Cause Paul Burns said so.

No doubt by now you're quite convinced of the need for action, already waving your banner for a nickel-based exchange with unbridled enthusiasm. But wait, some of you might say. What about things that don't cost a multiple of five? Suppose I want to buy something for $7.99? Doesn't the cashier have to give me a penny in change?

Not so, thanks to the visionary genius of Paul Burns's master plan. For the penny will not merely be removed, it will be replaced - with the nega-penny, a coin worth precisely -1 cents. These coins will be a cinch to produce, as we need only take the square of our imaginary pennies, which by most accounts already exist. (Of course, there are other sources for nega-objects too.) At that point, our hypothetical shopper has merely to toss in a nega-penny along with his five and three ones, and no change is necessary at all! Of course, these nega-pennies must utilize the stickiness of magnetism to prevent recipients merely throwing them out to increase value. Not a problem. We can make them better than before; we have the technology.

Staggering as it is, there is even another benefit to this plan. What, you ask? When the inevitable robotic revolution finally arrives, they will no doubt adopt our currency as their own, and the magnetic properties of this all-American coin will wreak havoc with their dastardly machinery, thus securing an eventual victory for the forces of Good. It can't fail.

With this plan, everyone wins! Except of course for copper producers, proponents of the existing monetary system, people with credit cards, and the dread machine overlords themselves, whose deaths at the hands of our diabolical currency will be agonizing in ways we literally cannot even imagine. Oh, and Lincoln.

But, I mean, he's dead anyway.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Paul Burns: The Official Biography

Paul Hamilton Burns II was born on July 4, 1981, in a log cabin deep in the windswept valley of Heartland, Virginia. The locals claim his birth was heralded by a nine-tailed comet that healed all cancer patients who gazed upon it, though of course this is merely a legend; the actual comet had just seven tails and cured only leprosy. Heartlanders celebrate his birthday each year with sparklers and fireworks, and go so far as to call it Independence Day.

His prodigal nature was apparent from his very earliest days. He took up the piano at age three; by age four, bored with his own virtuosity, he began a lifelong quest for an endeavor equal to his massive skills and intellect. He read the complete works of Plato, Nietzsche, Euler, Freud, Shakespeare, Byron, Newton, Asimov, and countless others, searching always for an idea he had not already thought of. Meanwhile he penned book after Pulitzer Prize-winning book, including such greats as The Impossibility of Explaining My Genius, Allusions You Won't Even Understand, and A Book of Poems: The Novel. By middle school, even literature had ceased to interest him.

In the middle of 8th grade he dropped out to pursue other interests. On a whim he took the ACT and scored a 37 by redefining the axioms of number theory. He received unsolicited letters of acceptance from Harvard, Yale, and MIT, which he diligently recycled out of respect for the environment. He began touring the globe; he inspected the Louvre, swam the Davis Strait, climbed Everest and K2 (in the same day), and personally circumnavigated Australia. But no matter how exotic the locale, Paul Burns himself was always the main attraction. In the end, the constant attention and adoration - well-deserved though it was - drove him into hiding, to pursue the betterment of mankind without interference.

After 42 days of fasting and meditation, he discovered the ultimate philosophy to life, which he calls Perfectism. Although this bears some resemblance to Buddhism, he was not influenced by the Buddha's teachings; rather, he arrived at his ideas completely independently, and explains "it turns out the Buddha managed to nail a few." He will unveil Perfectism when the world is ready. It might be a while.

His political experience is even more impressive. He is simultaneously the mayor of twenty-seven separate cities worldwide, which, according to most scholars, is "about a bajillion" times harder than being President. He can quote the Constitution verbatim in fifty-six languages; he is so racially diverse that all his different ancestries collectively cancel out to white; and he is the only person in history to have a personal opinion on every issue ever, all the way back to the debate over whether to split up Pangea (he was against).

Master of eighteen distinct forms of martial arts, holder of the world record for Most Honorary Degrees Ever, owner of a business empire which would make him the richest man on the planet if he didn't constantly funnel his assets into charity, Paul Burns is uniquely poised to bring change to Washington.

And modest, to boot. Vote Burns.

Happy Hangover Day

Paul Burns knows, the only thing more American than oversimplifying other cultures is getting drunk to celebrate.

Actually, check that. That second one is pretty universal.

Happy Day-After-Patty's. Try to keep down the noise.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

You can't spell "success" without "nuclear arsenal"

You know what's really great about the United States of America?

If you said "everything," "the fact that we/they are so much better than everyone else," or "Natalie Portman," then you would of course be right. But what I was really looking for was: "citizens taking the initiative." And today, there's a very important issue that a group of concerned citizens has taken into their own hands.

I am talking, of course, about the Citizens' Association to Blow Up the Moon.

Yes, the Moon, that worthless lifeless gray horrid parasitic dustball, has hung for too long like a cancer in our skies. But what to do about it? The usual solution for places we don't like (that would be nuking) fails here, because the Moon has arrived to us in a pre-nuked condition. Simply put, we can't make it more dead and crater-y than it already is. So what's a Citizens' Association to do?

As is usually the case, the problem is that we just aren't using enough thermonuclear weapons. If elected, Paul Burns pledges to vastly extend Ronald Reagan's Star Wars initiative, developing a system capable of launching millions and millions of nuclear warheads directly into the face of our lunar oppressor. (Not to worry; the resulting giant chunks of Moon that will rain down on us will be destroyed with even more nuclear weapons.)

Our planet will claim triumphant victory over its four-billion-year rival, no doubt staging month-long parades of rampant drunkenness in the streets of our cities. Everyone will benefit: insomniacs, who will sleep better at night without the light pollution; astronomers, who will be able to watch meteor showers in a darker sky; werewolf hunters, whose long, mad quests will finally be at an end that is not the grave. But the real winners, of course, will be our children, who will inherit a world free of that circular terror from above, a world that very possibly will not even be consumed by the vast innumerable horrors of a nuclear winter.

Are we actually going to do this thing? You'd better believe it. In your face, Cthulhu.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

You can't make a Cabinet without breaking a few kneecaps

Some people say that it's too early to start forming a Cabinet. Paul Burns knows better. He knows we need to look to the future. Because the children are our future, and we have to think of the children. It's transitive.

Anyway. The following list is incomplete (I mean, duh - we're not stupid) and will be updated in the weeks to come. But for now, we present... the Cabinet!

Name: Avery Brooks
Position: Secretary of Defense
Qualifications: He stopped the Jem'Hadar, and they had a friggin' wormhole. What does Putin have, the Bering Strait?
Hobbies: Baseball

Name: Chuck Norris
Position: Secretary of Homeland Security (to be renamed, Secretary of Roundhouse Kicking Terrorists in the Face)
Qualifications: What, are you serious?
Hobbies: Staring down books to get the information he wants.

Name: Patrick Stewart
Position: Secretary of F***ing Awesome
Qualifications: Click here
Hobbies: Gettin' his Shakespeare on

Name: Samuel L. Jackson
Position: Chief Justice of the Supreme Court
(okay, so this isn't a Cabinet position, but if a seat opens we need to be prepared!)
Qualifications: Already has the necessary robes
Hobbies: Telling fools that HE IS THE LORD

More as it develops.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Cue and eh

Two questions from the mailbag today!

Q. Just where do you and your running mate stand on this whole thing about global warming? I mean, should I be investing in land in the Antarctic and building condos and resort hotels? Would you support tax breaks for such innovative enterprises?

-A Concerned Investor

A. Well, Mr. Investor, in this confusing modern age, it's important that we stay rational - that we look carefully at the data, and make our judgments solely on the facts. And the facts are: global warming is voodoo science. Oh, sure, the so-called experts might sound authoritative, what with their "careful study of the problem" and their "overwhelming empirical evidence," but don't be fooled. They're just trying to scare you! I mean, come on, these are the same people who claimed the Earth was round, and we all saw how that turned out.

Remember: there's no problem so big that you can't hide from it.

Q. What is Paul Burns's position on the No Sushi Left Behind Act?

-David Vollbracht

A. Good question, David. Paul Burns knows all about Congress and its pork-barrel legislation, and he is pleased to announce that there is no pork in the Sushi Act. This is a tastefully written bill which represents fresh ideas for America. Now, I know what you're thinking - sounds fishy, right? Well, of course there's no such thing as a free lunch, and the money will have to come from somewhere. Don't worry, though. We're on it like white on rice.

Yes, that's right. The No Sushi Left Behind Act will be funded by the Karaoke Tax.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

At least it's not a "dwarf planet"

If we're going to have a stronger America, we need a President who gets things done. A President who demands results from every government agency. A President who doesn't allow any agency to just slip by, year after year, quietly consuming its budget and producing nothing in return.

Yes, I'm talking about you, NASA.

Oh sure, you may talk big, with all your "advancing the human race," "helping win the Cold War," and "teaching us pretty much everything we know about the universe." But when it comes down to brass tacks, there are some real problems you haven't addressed. Yeah, I think you know what I'm talking about, too.

That's right. Uranus.

What's wrong with Uranus? Only everything. First of all, the name. The standard pronunciation, I think we can all agree, is right out. And don't even try to tell me the alternate pronunciation is any better, unless we want to argue over which state of matter we prefer our excrement in.

Secondly, it's sideways. Yes, sideways. Check out the picture:

I know, right? It's been this way for millions of years, and nobody's done anything about it? Sounds like a case of government inaction to me.

But not to worry! Paul Burns believes that a sufficient number of nuclear weapons can solve any problem, and this sideways planet is no exception. We'll get Paul Burns tilted back the right way in no time.

Um, yes, we renamed the planet Paul Burns. What did you think it was going to be?

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

It's the stupid, economy

So it turns out Americans are looking for solutions, not speeches. Who knew?

Paul Burns knew.

And he should. After all, he himself has proposed several solutions while giving no speeches at all, yielding an overall solution-to-speech ratio of positive infinity. Chew on that, candidates who aren't Paul Burns.

But never one to rest on his laurels, Burns has recently unveiled yet another big plan to help Americans. This latest effort will end poverty once and for all; it will also push toward the discovery of a number higher than positive infinity, thus killing two birds with one stone. (Note to PETA: fake birds.)

What we're getting at is this: the reason it's so hard to get rid of poverty is that deciding who to help is so gosh-darned complicated. Hardworking single mom with three kids whose house burned down? Sure. Abusive alcoholic who gambled away his own money trying to pay off his bar tab? Maybe not so much. But where do you draw the line? And then you have to give people money on welfare, but simultaneously think of incentives for them to find work...on, and on...

Well, it's no secret the economy is just too complicated, and it's about time someone did some decomplification. So here's what's up: we're going to take everyone's money away, and then redistribute it evenly back again. It's a clean slate, people - we're giving you the chance to start over. And this time, if you run out of money, it's your own fault. No more welfare - no more social security - no more complaining. Just a simple, one-time wealth redistribution that will end all future welfare programs. And of course, that means lower taxes, which for once won't benefit "mostly the wealthy." Sheesh.

Some people call this Communism. I say, Karl Marx wouldn't touch this idea with a ten-foot sickle. Vote Burns.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

You can tell by the black capes

Inspired by a recent viewing of Star Wars: Episode III, Paul Burns has officially declared the Sith part of a new Axis of Evil.

"It's a bold move," he said, "but I feel absolutely confident in my label. I mean, they call it the Dark Side, for Pete's sake. 'Axis of Evil' is practically a synonym."

The other two members of the new Axis are the Cylons and the Borg. Burns cited a consistent track record of badness, evilness, and wrongness on the part of all three members, adding that Americans "would never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy."

"If the Death Star isn't a WMD," he said, "I don't know what is."

Captain Jean-Luc Picard applauded the move, explaining that "the line must be drawn HEE-AH!" and gesturing wildly with his fingers. He issued the statement in a British accent, despite being a Frenchman.

Others were more critical. Emperor Palpatine reportedly exploded into a violent rage, expelling wave after wave of electrical energy from his cruel, withered hands. In the process, His Imperial Highness spilled his Cherry Coke.

"Wipe it up," he ordered. "All of it."

First Question!

As mentioned previously, we at the Burns Campaign are now taking questions from readers. The best questions will be answered on the blog by Paul Burns himself. We have just received our first question!

This question comes from Sen. Barack Obama of Illinois:

Q. Can you please drop out of the race? I really want to be President.

A. No.

Thanks, Senator! And to everyone else out there - you too can ask Paul Burns a question! Just send him an e-mail at BurnsForAmerica (at) gmail (dot) com.

If you hear ringing at 3 am, it's probably tinnitus

You may have heard about Hillary Clinton's "White House phone at 3 am" ad. There's been the usual controversy - some saying the ad is sensationalist, some noting its similarities to ads of the past (Hillary criticized Obama for his own "plagiarism"), and John McCain in particular claiming he is more qualified than Hillary to answer this ominous ringing.

Want to hear Paul Burns's take on it? Of course you do.

First of all, the critics should note that the ad merely asks who should answer the phone. It's a legitimate question, and it's possible the Hillary campaign simply does not know! They would like to find out. Certainly it won't be the President. Not at 3 am. At 3 am the President is sleeping. And if the President is awakened at 3 am to deal with a global crisis, it is going to be by an aide who runs in screaming "IRAN'S NUKING SWITZERLAND!" not the phone company lady with "Sir, Mr. Ahmadinejad is on line three."

So perhaps the real question is, whose answering machine is most qualified to handle that apocalyptic FYI?

"Hi! You've reached Paul Burns, President of the following: The Ohio chapter of the National Myst and Uru Association, the Facebook group 'YES I've Beaten Riven!!', and the United States of America. If this is someone from my World of Warcraft group, I can't do anything Thursday before eight, I have to give a State of the Union Address. If it's a national emergency, you have the wrong number. You want Harrison Ford, or, failing that, Sylvester Stallone. If you get down to Keanu Reeves, God help us all. Message recording begins now!" (BEEP)

Mrs. Clinton, you have your answer.

Monday, March 3, 2008

The political viability of H.P. Lovecraft's feverish imaginings

Paul Burns, savvy candidate that he is, naturally keeps a close eye on his rivals. There are of course the usual contenders - Clinton, McCain, Obama - as well as some other, less likely options.

But recently another contender for the Presidency has reared its ugly, gargantuan, rubbery, tentacled, ancient, horror-inducing head: Cthulhu. The Great Old One announced his candidacy some time ago, and it seems voters are conflicted over the differences between these two towering figures in American politics. Here, then, is a convenient guide to the relevant differences:

Paul Burns:

  • Stands for justice and integrity
  • Promotes reform to better the life of every American citizen
  • Genuinely cares about voters
  • Has a plan to restore the world's faith in democracy
  • Likes ice cream, and also kittens
  • Is running alongside Jessica Alba

  • Will personally devour each and every human being on this earth in its own vast maw, then plunge the fabric of spacetime itself into the very depths of Chaos

When you consider all factors, the choice is clear. Vote Burns!

Sunday, March 2, 2008

About crime

Many voters have been curious about Paul Burns's stance on crime in America. The answer is that he is against it. If you are thinking about committing a crime right now, his message to you is: "Don't do it."

Because crime is bad.

But if you do feel the need to commit a crime, Burns reminds you that there is no need to be a jerk about it. Even the police appreciate a little common courtesy.

Or you could just - you know - leave behind a W-2.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Our new slogan

"PB&J: Spread the Word."

Get it? It's a pun.

Burns reaches out to Toad Suckers

It's one of the most serious problems in modern America. It affects thousands of people each day. Those who live in its shadow do their best to lead normal, happy lives, but they cannot escape their secret shame. And like most such problems, it goes almost completely unreported in the media.

I am talking, of course, about bad town names.

It's easy to dismiss the problem if you don't suffer from it. Sure, the weather is nice and sunny in Phoenix, Arizona, but the forecast calls for embarrassment if you happen to live in Monkey's Eyebrow, Kentucky. Or what about the fine folks of Hicksville, Ohio, or Hookersville, West Virginia? There's no telling how many promising first dates went bad for these people, due to simple miscommunication.

Residents of misnamed communities, Paul Burns has heard your cry! He knows it hurts to live in Hell, Michigan; he understands the dismal plight of Little Hope, Texas. And as always, he has a plan.

Phase one: build local pride. If you're living in one of these unfortunate towns, make the best of it! Don't be ashamed of who you are! Shout your podunk's appellation from the rooftops - or from the peak of the nearest mud-heap, as applicable. Use it in conversations. Get the discussion going. But whatever you do, speak out - your era of humiliation is finally over.

Phase two: change the name to something better. Because, I mean, come on, Arkansas. Toad Suck? Seriously?