Thursday, February 28, 2008

Support is Growing

It is only the second day of the Burns campaign, and he has already received two strong endorsements. Both running-mate Jessica Alba and campaign manager Brian Buckley have publicly endorsed Paul Burns in his bid to become the next, and the greatest, President of the United States.

"I think he's awesome," said Alba. "I mean, he's an American, and who better to be President than an American?"

Buckley concurred. "I pretty much have to endorse him," he said. "He'll fire me if I don't."

Buckley was previously the campaign manager for Democratic candidate Barack Obama, but was fired after coining the unpopular slogan, "Obama yo mama."

Burns Unveils Plan to Consolidate Lakes

It is possible you have heard of a state called 'Minnesota.' What you may not know is that this state has lakes. A lot of lakes. It is called 'The Land of 10,000 Lakes,' and ladies and gentlemen, that is too many lakes. And who is going to do something about it?

Not Clinton. Not Obama. Not McCain.

But Paul Burns today unveiled a daring plan to consolidate all of Minnesota's lakes into a single enormous body of water. This new lake would be really good for America - it might even be, dare we say it, a Great Lake. "Lake Burns" would be a shining testament to the power of American innovation - the USA's answer to China's so-called Water Cube.

Garrison Keillor has expressed concern over the plan, worried it might lead to the destruction of his beloved Lake Wobegon; Burns aides are currently attempting to determine whether such a place actually exists.

No word currently on precisely how the consolidation will happen, except that it will involve "a lot of buckets."

Now Taking Questions

Have a question about Burns, his campaign, or what he stands for? Send it in, and if it's a good one, we'll answer it on the blog.

Direct your questions to BurnsForAmerica (at) gmail (dot) com.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Economy is "too complicated"

Paul Burns has long criticized the economy for being too complicated, and he is not about to back down now. In a recent interview, he stated:

"My feeling with the whole 'economy' thing, and the global economy in particular, is that there is just too much stuff going on. Stocks, bonds, futures, options - where does it end? The economy is full of numbers, but let's not forget that math relies heavily on division. My campaign is about unification. That's something the American people can really get behind."

Burns was quick to emphasize that math is not entirely doom and gloom, however, adding that "nearly half of all numbers are positive."

Running-mate Jessica Alba echoed these remarks, but at present could neither confirm nor deny that one is "the loneliest number."

Paul Burns supports kittens

Earlier today, Burns came out with a firm stance on a controversial issue, issuing this strongly-worded statement:

"Kittens, particularly cute ones, are a valuable national resource, and the record shows I have always been in favor of them and their soft, pretty fur."

Burns went on to describe his own experience with kittens as "cuddly-wuddly."

Paul Burns for President!

Paul H. Burns hereby declares his candidacy for the office of President of the United States of America.

He is further pleased to announce his running-mate, internationally acclaimed actress Jessica Alba:

Burns cites Alba's extensive support of charities, including Habitat for Humanity, as a primary reason for the choice. She is also noted for her role in saving Earth from Galactus.

His campaign manager and publicist will be Brian Buckley.

So, who is Paul Burns? What does he stand for? Why should you vote for him?

More on that in the weeks to come!

Disclaimer: this blog is a joke

The following should all be pretty obvious, but lest anyone get the truly unfortunate notion that any of this is real, here's the disclaimer:

This blog is a joke. Paul Burns is a real person, but he is not running for president, of the U.S. or any other country. He does not need your votes. He has never met Jessica Alba. The purpose of this website is entertainment, nothing more.

Also, please note that we in the Burns Campaign blend fact and fiction extensively. Do not assume that anything you read on here is true. Do not assume Paul actually said any of the quotes attributed to him, or that he actually believes any of the positions attributed to him. Again, we're entertainment, nothing more.

This blog is not intended to be offensive; however, political humor is always somewhat controversial, and what one person sees as funny, another person may find disrespectful. If you find yourself offended, just point your browser elsewhere; the Internet is full of other options.

Please note, however, that free speech is in fact protected under the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. If you're really offended, I suppose you could try to have that repealed, but it could be tricky.

Have a nice day!