Winning hearts and minds

Paul Burns: supremely intelligent, unimaginably wealthy, master of politics, oratory, law, all science, and the culinary arts. But what goes on behind those implacable, vaguely sinister eyes? We delve into the inner workings of the candidate's mind in this, his first-ever interview.



Burns For America: Thanks for being here, Mr. Burns.

Paul Burns: Thank you for having me.

BFA: So what made you decide to run for president?

PB: Well, as you know, I'm supremely intelligent, unimaginably wealthy, master of politics, oratory, all science, and the culinary arts. Also, my first and last names are each only one syllable, thus making them easy to pronounce. This is a feat previously achieved by only three presidents: James Polk, George Bush, and George Bush.

BFA: What about Bill Taft?

PB: Don't get cute.

BFA: How do you respond to allegations that you are not eligible to be president, as you are not yet thirty-five years old?

PB: Once elected, I will amend the Constitution to retroactively make my election legal.

BFA: Is there any precedent for that?

PB: After I do it, there will be.

BFA: What do you think is the biggest issue facing America today?

PB: Hard to say. I guess...well, probably ambivalence. I mean, some would say apathy, but I don't really care about that.

BFA: What advice would you give to our nation's young people?

PB: Grow up.

BFA: Is that all?

PB: Well, I wouldn't get too attached to the Twenty-second Amendment, either.

BFA: You've come out very strongly pro-kitten. What is it about kittens, precisely, that makes you support them so much?

PB: When I was four years old, a kitten saved my mother from wolves. They were Nazi wolves. With chainsaws.

BFA: What made you choose Jessica Alba as a running-mate?

PB: "PB&J: Spread the word."

BFA: Are you suggesting that you chose your future vice president solely on the basis of her first initial, for the purpose of making a pun?

PB: Well, she's also pretty hot.

BFA: Are you concerned that that answer might alienate female voters?

PB: There are female voters? Since when?

BFA: 1920.

PB: Wilson. Figures.

BFA: What would you say in answer to the criticism of your plan to blow up the moon, which has been met with - and I quote - "absolutely universal derision," one critic going so far as to call it "the single worst idea I have ever heard, ever, period."

PB: See, that depends, because maybe he just hasn't heard a lot of ideas. If the only ideas he's ever heard are this, and, like, root beer floats, then of course the root beer floats are going to win. You just can't beat that.

BFA: I imagine he's also heard of the concept of language, given that he communicated his criticism in English.

PB: Yeah, language is pretty cool too.

BFA: What do you think are your odds of winning? Do you consider yourself even remotely electable?

PB: Well, let me think about that. Hm, while I'm thinking, maybe I should get a drink of lemonade. Ah. This is tasty. You should try some. No, really, go on - it's delicious. No? You sure? Well then how about a nice tall glass of shut the hell up.

BFA: O RLY?

PB: YA RLY.

BFA: Hypothetically, which state in the U.S. do you think we could most afford to lose?

PB: Well, the states are like my children - they're all loved equally, I mean, you can't pick just one. But of course, if I had to pick, it would be Boston.

BFA: Boston is not a state.

PB: You're not a state.

BFA: Correct. I am a person.

PB: Your face is a person.

BFA: I...Mr. Burns, I'm at a loss.

PB: I win!

BFA: Indeed you do.


Well, there you have it - the first (and possibly last!) ever interview with Paul Burns.

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will explain his strategy for attaining the White House!