Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Putting the "bib" back in "biblioteca"



Some say that when Obama went after McCain while still battling Clinton, it was a sign of overconfidence. Paul Burns would like to respectfully disagree. You want overconfidence? Paul Burns isn't just going after McCain - he's planning his own Presidential Library.

You have to be careful with that kind of planning, though - you don't want to end up as with the first ever all-Kindle Wifi Chief Executive Hotspot or anything like that. So we took a tour of the current PLs, and here's what we came up with.

First off, let's not mince words - Reagan's library is frickin' sweet. Yeah, he has the life-size replica of the Oval Office, that's standard. But check it out: he has his Air Force One jet in the library. (We'll do the Air Force Zero, of course.) He has an F-14 Tomcat. Let me just say that again. His library has an F-14 Tomcat. Aside from equipping your archives with an actual functioning thermonuclear warhead, I'm really not sure that can be improved upon. And of course, the way they glossed over the whole Iran-Contra scandal...thing, was pretty cool too. Now, Paul Burns has a scapegoat for all his peccadilloes, but even so...let's sweep as much under the rug as we can, shall we?

But enough about Ron. Let's talk Lincoln. His library is a late player in the game, but it's sporting life-sized, realistic statues of him and his buddies just doing their crazy thing. There's really nothing that says "idolize me" quite like a three-dimensional image of oneself, and it's good to see that crucial principle getting a little love. Also, it sets an important precedent by encouraging ugly people not to spend too much time around Paul Burns. That's right: your ugliness might get immortalized.

The other presidents have their highlights too, naturally. Kennedy's library has the Actual For-Serious Presidential Coconut, Nixon's library has its very own scandal, and Coolidge's library...well, it sure does have a lot of books.

But Paul Burns has always been a little different, and he wants to make sure his own library has lots to offer that's unique. So, after lengthy consideration, he's now ready to announce that the Paul Burns Presidential Library, Archive, and Video Arcade will be the first ever to feature:

  • A mile-high statue of himself (take that, Burj Dubai!)
  • A holographic reenactment of each and every moment of his life, without abridgment, from conception onward
  • A suggested donation of $100 to the Paul Burns Fund Charitable Fund For the Betterment of Paul Burns
  • Guards with Uzis to suggest donations
  • This
And, of course, half-price drinks on Thursday. Because Thursday is like Friday...for Friday.

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when [TOP SECRET] and [CLASSIFIED] with a [GTFO].

1 comment:

Ronald Reagan said...

An actual functioning thermonuclear warhead? Why...why that would be preposterous! Ha.. haha!