Thursday, May 29, 2008

Try these exciting alternatives

It seems a lot of people are opposed to the death penalty, which, for a presidential candidate, is sort of disappointing. It's like becoming the King of NASCAR and then finding out nobody likes racing. Still, democracy is about nothing if not appeasement, so, in no particular order, here are the Future Burns Administration's top alternatives to the death penalty for convicted felons:

Send them to Mars.

Okay, with current technology, they have maybe a 50% chance of getting there. For an astronaut, not so great. For a Death Row inmate? Why the heck not? Advantages to this plan: renewed public interest in astronomy. Disadvantages: felon may fly shuttle back to Earth, wreak havoc, fire missiles. Note to self: do not include missiles on shuttle.

Make them attend first-time novelists' book signings.

You wrote a book? Yeah, that's precious. But hey, there's no reason we can't still stroke your ego! Think of the joy in that new writer's heart when he sees a big long line of people, some of them literate, waiting to have their books autographed. Also, listening to the author talk about their inspirations is a pretty good replacement punishment for lethal injection. Everyone wins! Except the authors, who will almost certainly be killed.

Put them on Survivor.

See, it's called "Survivor," but in this case it literally means...what? Oh, you got the joke already. Well, fine then. Moving on.

Have them run for president.

They can't be much worse than the current batch. Present company excluded, of course.

Make them test amusement park rides.

Think about it...they just built this great new machine, where they lift you up five hundred feet and drop you straight down, and then at the last second, you're caught by a piece of rubber as big around as a golf ball. Nobody's ever tried it before. So...who's first in line?

Hey, how about the guy with half a family in his meat locker?

Give them political blogs.

Oh snap.

Use them as motivational speakers.

Typically motivational speakers are people who have overcome great adversity. They get lots of applause, but deep down, we all know that's sort of depressing, because we ourselves will never, never do anything even remotely as inspiring. Wow, you had brain, lung and pelvis cancer, and still won three gold medals? That's cool, I forgot to take out the trash today, but I think next week it's going to happen for sure.

Now, if we had Death Row inmates up there, it's a heck of a lot better. 'Cause I mean, maybe my life is and will always be a series of predictable, mediocre, ultimately meaningless achievements, but you know what? I didn't garrote anybody.

Put them in big plastic brightly-colored bubbles and set them adrift on the ocean.

I don't know. I thought it might be kind of fun?

Present them as an achievement award for World of Warcraft players.

Once you have him, you can use him for farming...dungeon grinding...the possibilities are limitless. Just don't be giving him your password. You know how those murderers can be!

Use them as roundhouse-kick-to-the-face practice for our new Secretary of Homeland Security.

Oh wait, that is the death penalty.

Any other ideas? Post them in the comments! And be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will offer practical money tips for families looking to save!


Genghis Khan said...

Maybe if we just show them love and kindness, and try to approach them in a respectful way, that isn't angry or hurtful over their alleged crimes?

Genghis Khan said...

I just feel like death isn't the answer. That's all I'm saying, guys.

Kelsey said...

Just when I thought the plastic bubbles adrift in the ocean was the best you could offer...

My own personal World of Warcraft award. Someone to spend weeks to get me that precious azure whelping while I do stuff like, play the game instead of running in circles killing dragons.

Paul Burns ftw.

Brian Buckley said...

I thought you might like that. ;-)