Beating inflation, metaphorically

A lot of people these days are asking Paul Burns this question: "What would you, as President, do about inflation?" And a lot of other people are saying: "How could you, as President, do anything about inflation, since by your own admission you know nothing about economics?"

I answer both of these questions with a resounding yes.

You see, inflation is all about money. (Not so dumb after all, eh, "experts?") The more money you have, the more inflated you are. This is why rich people tend to be fatter. Contrapositively, the less inflation you have, the less money there is; ipso facto, the answer to the inflation problem is getting rid of money.

How precisely does one get rid of money, without actually spending it?

Well, the Federal "Burn Your Dollar Bills in a Big Heap" Initiative has thus far not met with much success; nor has the Federal "Are You Allergic to Pictures of Benjamin Franklin? Why Risk It" Campaign. Certainly getting rid of the penny would help, but that is a one-time thing, and we can't just keep getting rid of coins forever.

Of course, there is only one logical solution.

That's right: we need slipperier money.

See, when someone accidentally drops a coin - or a dollar bill - and it goes down a drain or a dog eats it or a hobo burns it for fuel or whatever, that money is lost to society. But people don't drop them that often! Paper bills are, well, paper, and coins have those abominable ridges around the edge. What we need is a coating - a lubricant, if you will - to make coin-dropping a more frequent occurrence. Joe Schmo drops his quarter trying to get a soda, money supply decreases, inflation goes down, bam! Everybody wins.

But wait, you say. Won't slippery money make people really, really mad? Won't that be a really unpopular idea?

Oh, right, of course. I forgot. Because you can't do that in politics.

Be sure to tune in again tomorrow, when Paul Burns's running-mate Jessica Alba will make a special guest post!