Thursday, May 15, 2008

A word from the veep

Hi everyone! It's me, Jessica Alba, Paul Burns's running-mate in the 2008 US presidential election. I thought I'd do a post to talk a little about who I am and what I bring to the campaign, and let you, the voters, get to know me better. So, let's do it! W00t!

(I don't know what that means. They said a lot of nerds read this blog or something. That's cool! Nerds are people too! Also, candy!)

Anyway, the main point I want to address is that I feel like a lot of people don't take me seriously as a politician. They objectify me - you know? Now, it's somewhat understandable, since of course I am, how can I say this, hotter than the sun. But people, come on! I am an intelligent person, with thoughts and feelings of my own - not just some picture for you to click on!

That's what this post is all about - getting you to see me as a human being, not an image.

Now of course, some might say to me: "Jessica, you have no political experience at all! What makes you think you're qualified for a job where you may be called upon to run a country?" Great question, hypothetical voter! Let me give you my answer.

You see, as an actress, I have had to get deeply in tune with human nature. I understand how people think - how they speak - how they behave. I can pick up on subtle visual cues from world leaders that an untrained eye might miss. I can deliver uplifting, inspiring speeches. And there's more.

My role in Sin City has prepared me to deal with crime. In Fantastic Four, I learned important techniques for national defense, and also how to make myself physically invisible. In Good Luck Chuck, I learned...well, okay, I didn't learn anything in Good Luck Chuck.

But look - actresses make good presidents! Ronald Reagan was an actor, and he was the Greatest American Of All Time, Ever (no, I'm not kidding). And he was old! I'm young, and I'm very excited about serving my country.

Remember: I'm a person, not a picture! Vote Burns!

P.S. Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will talk about some kind of...political...stuff. Or something. Look, whatever, just make sure you read it okay?


Jessica Alba said...

Yeah. I see what you did there.

I guess this is an example of object-oriented programming, huh guys? Oh snap!

Captain Nemo said...

Jessica's hair is so floofy... like a giant kitty toy. Mmmmm.