Friday, May 23, 2008

This post can probably be considered "non-canon"

Big news! Jessica Alba, the running-mate of U.S. presidential candidate Paul Burns, has married movie producer Cash Warren! We at the Burns Campaign congratulate her and wish her the very best of luck in her new life.

No word yet on whether Alba's famous "no-nudity" policy will apply to her marriage as well as her movies. If so, she will likely spend her honeymoon inventively posed so as to narrowly avoid an R rating. No word yet, either, on where the honeymoon will actually take place.

In fact, practically no details at all have been revealed about the wedding, which was a small and extremely private event. What's more, the new husband himself is shrouded in secrecy; as of this writing, typing his name into Wikipedia merely redirects to Alba's page, and even the Hollywood gossip pages seem to know little about him.

So why all the hush-hush?

As with most things that happen in this country, it's part of an elaborate Machiavellian conspiracy orchestrated by Paul Burns. You see, Mr. Warren is no ordinary Hollywood pretty-boy. He is the ultimate secret weapon in this election.

Dear readers, I will let you in on a little secret. Jessica Alba's the living reincarnation of Ronald Reagan.

Sound crazy? Naturally. But Cash Warren - whose name is an anagram for "We Can Has R.R.?" - is a Hollywood producer, and who better than a producer to channel the spirit of an actor? Who better than "Cash" to hold the soul of a president known for his tax breaks? And above all, who better than a complete unknown to be the vessel for the Greatest American Ever?

With Reagan as, quite literally, a "spiritual advisor" to Paul Burns - a sort of "Teflon Obi-Wan," if you will - this candidacy is now unstoppable. Reagan's easygoing, conservative attitude will balance out Burns's more radical ideas. Throw Jessica Alba into the mix, and you have the Trifecta, the invincible combination of past, present and pseudoscientific future that will obliterate all who oppose and usher in a new Golden Age of America.

Yes, yes; it makes beautiful sense now. Come a little closer, drink the Kool-Aid. It'll all be done soon.

I, um...yeah. Anyway, enjoy your Memorial Day, and be sure to tune in again Tuesday, when we'll have our weekly Current Events Sonnet!

1 comment:

Ronald Reagan said...

These rumors are completely false. I categorically deny any claims that I have risen from the dead, channeled my voracious spirit into the husk of any living thing, or in any other way manifested myself into the physical world. I...

I, um...

Well, crap.