Wednesday, April 9, 2008

The pros and cons of becoming a living god

And now, a message from the candidate:

"So: apotheosis.

It's something every President has to consider at one time or another. Sure, you're the leader of the world's only remaining superpower, beloved of millions, sole wielder of a force that in elder days was not dreamed of even by poets. But do you take the plunge, push it one step further, and make yourself a deity? Or do you just leave office, content that you could have destroyed the planet by pushing a button, even if there wasn't any worshiping per se?

It may sound like a no-brainer to the uninitiated. You might well ask: why wouldn't you assume the Divine Nature? Well, I'll tell you why...

Reasons Why Godhood is Problematic

1. A lot of people are still going to say you're not a god. I know, I know - just have them rounded up and shot, right? But then you get international outrage, and the Supreme Court goes all First Amendment on you, and it just gets bad. Trust me. That kind of response never ends well.

2. The afterlife. Nobody really knows what's waiting beyond the veil of death, but even agnostics have to think that claims to divinity might not meet a happy response. "I wasn't sure if You were real or not" - that could fly. "I figured I would just usurp Your Most Holy Throne" - maybe not so much.

3. Your followers aren't going to listen to you anyway. The orders of the President are obeyed. The orders of a god? Well, when believers in a deity whose greatest commandment is to love everyone, even your enemies, go on a killing spree against other people who also believe in's hard to be optimistic.

4. Incense. Yuck.

5. History does not favor this sort of thing. Either your religion turns out to be really dumb, or everyone who believes in you is stoned, or else you just come off looking like a douchebag. And of course, claiming to be God can also attract unwanted attention.

On the other hand, Presidents who do pull this off get some really nice frescoes.

Well, it's a tough one, but I've got some time to think it over. I'll let you know what I decide. In the meantime, feel free to continue with the religion of your choice. I guess. I mean, you know, whatever."

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when we will discuss an unpopular law!


Haile Selassie I said...

Guys, Bob Marley was awesome, okay? Don't even be joking about that.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said...