Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Paul Burns will seriously*, no joke**, get you a Wii

American opinion is split on many issues. How do we handle rising gas prices? What can be done to stop the stark, unmitigated horror of parents teaching their children things - without government approval? Who, precisely, let the dogs out? But while controversy both unites and divides this great nation, there is one thing voters can agree on: they want a Wii.

Oh, they may not admit it. "I'm still happy with my Gamecube," many will say. "The PS3 has better graphics anyway." "I like the security of knowing my console could crush a small child."

Others go even further, claiming to prefer such lightweights as Bejeweled and Puzzle Pirates, or even - doffing all logic - not to like videogames at all, favoring so-called "real" activities like jogging, dating, and typing up blog posts.

Ah, denial; you are not just a river in South America. No matter how we might feign contempt or disinterest, we all know it's just a thin veneer over the deep-seated need to go bowling merely by making arm motions. For too long, Americans have staggered on under the weight of this injustice; for too long, we have called Gamestops and Wal-marts at all hours of the day, covering our shame with a quick "Talk to you later, Mom" when a co-worker comes within earshot. No more. Let us stand up and waggle our Wii-motes with pride, wrist straps fastened securely around our arms.

Paul Burns has a plan.

The problem is simple: according to the latest statistics, just over 300 million Americans want a Wii, while there are in fact only 49 Wiis that actually exist in the United States, total. The excess Wiis, it is believed, are all being diverted to France; a mall Santa asked Nicolas Sarkozy whether he would like any gifts for his birthday, and his one-word affirmative was wildly misinterpreted. Since then, the sweet, sweet Nintendo goodness has been flowing like radiant ambrosia into the land of wine and cheese.

The solution, of course, is to nuke France.

I know, I know - crazy, right? That's how it is these days - any little suggestion of nuclear warfare, and everyone gets all up in arms over it. But don't worry, we've thought this through.

We did the math. We'll still have plenty of nukes left over for other purposes.

*no, not seriously

**actually a joke


Nicolas Sarkozy said...


Anonymous said...

Waaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiit a minute! The Nile isn't in South Amrica! It's in Antartctica. Besides, if we nuke France then all the precious Wiis would be destroyed. All we have to do is send over one three-year-old with a popgun, and when France surrenders, we'll make them giving us all the Wiis one of the peace terms. Along with a lifetime supply of free wine and cheese for every American.

Mr. Geography said...

What?? I thought for sure the Nile was in...

"South Amrica"