Thursday, April 24, 2008

An instance of sesquipedalianism



When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one presidential candidate to distinguish himself unequivocally from his compatriots, myriad potentialities await his perusal. Yet the selection of a suitable gambit, diminutive in its execution, is brobdingnagian in its consequence.

But whatever the stratagem, literary eloquence is perforce a necessity. Extinct, now, is the constituency that accepts an ipse dixit of supremacy; the bloviate candidate will find his endeavors filipendulous, and be forced to absquatulate, lest he face floccinaucinihilipilification. The eristic candidate, likewise, will be perceived as bellicose, a pugilist with greater proclivity toward fistiana than productive discourse; nor will the proletariat submit to an indecisive candidate, whose tropophobia will lead him to bumbling oratory perambulations, endless anacoluthons, and inclinations metamorphosing hebdomadally.

Paul Burns, therefore, founds his nikhedonia on his superlative lexicon, his luculent prose, and his agnogenic (but self-evident) cerebral refulgence. Of quaternary (but nonetheless central) importance are his coadjutants, who incandesce like faculae upon Paul's puissance - metaphorically of course.

They include:

  • A confidante of aspect both callipygous and bathycolpian
  • A luminary who chastises nescient badauds once per nychthemeron
  • An advisor whose galeanthropy is justified
Though his ubiquitous adversaries warray him with assaults both facinorous and jejune, Paul Burns declines to riposte their hubris with jactancy - nor meet their missteps with schadenfreude. Not for him the fimicolous paradigm of self-aggrandizement! He stands for the obolary - the vagient - the calvous. His government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth!

Also: yesterday he bought a thesaurus.

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will explain his thoughts on campaign finance reform, using small words.

1 comment:

Noah Webster said...

Well, it's about friggin' time.