Tuesday, April 22, 2008

It tastes likes Burns-ing

Perhaps you've heard by now that Ralph Wiggum is running for President.

Take a look at his campaign home page. Go on, look around; there's no harm in it, right? Yes, take your time, savor its vibrant colors, its sweet and heady aroma. A brave new candidate, untainted by scandal or criticism. Exuberant. Uncynical. Refreshing.

Done yet?

Ralph Wiggum is the Devil Incarnate.

Oh, he seems innocent enough. After all, what could be more faultless, more unassuming, than an eight-year-old boy? What, indeed. Beneath that youthful exterior beats a twisted Machiavellian heart. But don't take my word for it. Examine his platform yourself:

His slogan – “I Dig the Wig” An extraordinarily subtle reference to the Whig Party, formed in opposition to an unpopular President who overextended the power of the Executive. Sound familiar? Oh yes indeed. But the Whig party destroyed itself in the end through its own divisiveness, and at length grew so putrid that Abraham Lincoln quit it in shame. No wonder Mr. Wiggum chooses not to make such statements overtly.

His stance on immigration – “Stranger danger!” It's every candidate's dream: appeal to the basest instincts of mankind, play off his fears, turns him against his closest neighbors in his fanatical devotion to your cause. But how to do so without coming off as a racist warmonger? Simple: cloak your hateful message in the lexicon of a harmless young boy, say it in a singsong voice, and make it rhyme. Oscar the Grouch would be proud.

His stance on foreign relations – “When we’re mad we’ll use our words. Then the rest of the world will play nice with us. And the only boom-booms will be in our pants.” And what words would those be, Mr. Wiggum? Are we speaking, perhaps, of appeasement? And I hardly think the Woman's Christian Temperance Union would approve of boom-booms in our pants.

His stance on ethics – “I’m Ralph Wiggum and I’ve been a good boy.” Have you, Mr. Wiggum, have you?

Citizens, this "Wiggum" is an even greater threat to our nation's prosperity than Cthulhu, a more potent foe even than the Axis. He must be stopped. Join me, and we will rule the galaxy as father and son!!

I mean...

Look, just don't vote for him, okay?

Anyway - be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will make his campaign more aerodynamic!


Nancy Cartwright said...

Don't believe the lies. There is only the Truth. The Wig is Salvation. There is only the Wig.

Captain Nemo said...

"boom boom in our pants."

Felines do not wear pants. Obviously, this Wiggum is not 'for the kittens.'

I do not approve.