Fly the friendly skies, and also Kashyyyk

What's the best thing about being President of the United States?

No, besides the nukes. And the chicks. And the eternal place in history. And the massive, massive inflow of cash.

Okay what I'm getting at here is Air Force One. When you're President, you get to ride in Air Force One, and it's awesome. I mean, they actually give you your own personal Boeing 747. Two of them, in fact. Can you even imagine how cool that would be? Think about your first car, how excited you were to suddenly be able to drive to Slick's Video Store whenever you felt like it. Now imagine your new car is the length of three blue whales and cruises at nine-tenths the speed of sound, and "Slick's Video Store" is Geneva.

See why Paul Burns wants to be President?

But if there's one thing we Americans want, it's more. And as cool as AFO is, Mr. Burns nonetheless finds it a bit...lacking. Aluminum alloy? So last century. Lack of hover? Please. It's time the President got a ride that's a little more...presidential.

Enter the Air Force Zero. An Incom T-65 X-wing starfighter, modified to include HDTV, fuzzy dice, and a tactical nuclear warhead, will serve as Mr. Burns's conveyance of choice. Its advanced capabilities, including hyperdrive, planetary orbit, atmospheric reentry, defense shields, and blasters, will enable the President to execute his duties more easily: to negotiate with other statesmen far across the galaxy, and, if necessary, blow them into tiny tiny pieces. The Air Force Zero will also be useful in ensuring compliance with our administration's Death Star policy.

So, who are you going to vote for: the candidate flying the fighter that won the Battle of Yavin, or the candidate who bent his Wookiee?

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will dazzle you with his literary prowess!