Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Lennon would be proud

You know, it's funny. Everyone wants world peace. Everyone! Even the people who are out there doing the shooting, the killing, they want world peace too. They're only killing to prevent the other killers from doing their killing. Killers killing killers killing killers killing... It almost seems as though, if we could just get everyone to stop killing, all at once, then nobody would have a reason to keep doing it anymore.

Naïve idealism? Well, yeah. We're a presidential campaign. It's, like, what we do.

What we need is a distraction. Something to take the minds of the world's armies/terrorists/insurgents/Halo-players off of violence just long enough to break the cycle. Something so overwhelmingly benevolent, so inherently nonviolent, so completely reassuring, that they will have no choice but to lay down their arms (and, presumably, their guns).

But what, you ask, what is there that could possibly fill such a role?

My friends, it is not for nothing that Paul Burns has consistently supported his feline compatriots; it is not for nothing that his National Security Advisor comes from their very ranks. In these times of crisis, for the sake of world peace...we must look to the kittens.

Squads of kittens will be dispatched to North Korea, Zimbabwe, Pakistan, Iraq, Sri Lanka, all the violent and war-torn regions of the world. These animals, specially trained by the Navy SEALs and Green Berets, will utilize the very latest in precision cuteness technology. They will overwhelm their targets with adorability, unleashing such a massive quantity of sweetness, cuddliness, and sheer gosh-darn-it cuteness that those engaged in violence will have no choice but to surrender.

This strategy, dubbed "Shock and Awww," will be a massive undertaking, requiring approximately ten billion kittens worldwide in a single week; but it will be worth it. For in that week, the forces of corruption, of instability, of fear and aggression, will come to understand once and for all that they simply cannot stand against the Furry Phalanx.

But wait, you say. Will this work on everyone? What about the really mean ones, the lifelong criminals, the mafiosi, the dictators - god forbid, the nihilists? Do we have some kind of backup plan to crack the really tough cases? Can kittens alone truly bring about world peace - or is there some other force that could augment that power, rendering them even more unstoppable?

I'm glad you asked.

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, and learn how Paul Burns can help you get a better night's sleep!


John Lennon said...

All you need is love.
All you need is love.
All you need is love, love.
Love is all you need.

Anonymous said...

I'm a dog person....I HATE cats!

Brian Buckley said...

Then boy, have you got the wrong candidate.

Christine said...

I saw this from a mile away.

Sadly, my cats will be unable to enter this. The one is terrified of trashcans and the outdoors... and... god-forbid, canes. and the ohter one is downright evil.

... actually, maybe she would make a great fighter. Puts on the cutest act ever, then gives you a cat bitchslap to the face.

Brian Buckley said...

"World Peace Via Cat-Slapping: A Primer"