Monday, April 14, 2008

...and a really big reflecting pool

If you've been hanging around this site for a while, you know by now that Paul Burns has opinions on pretty much everything. But then, when you're looking to be the leader of 300 million people, that's sort of your job! So today we're going to talk about his opinion on presidential memorials, and what kind of memorial he'd like for himself. Some would say, of course, that he is getting way ahead of himself, that there are more important things to worry about, that such thinking indicates a hubris that borders on the pathological.

Ha ha! None of that is true.

Anyway, before Paul Burns can decide what kind of memorial he wants for himself, he has to take a look at what's been done already. So without further ado:

The Lincoln Memorial


  • None
Overall Success as a Memorial:
The site of King's "I Have a Dream" speech. Appears on the five-dollar bill (the penny doesn't count). Excellent notoriety. A+

The Washington Monument

  • Tallest building in the world at the time of construction
  • Has that old-school Egyptian vibe
  • It's awesome, I mean just look at it
  • Obvious target for alien invaders
  • Kind of phallic
Overall Success as a Memorial:
Sheer coolness overrides other factors. A

The FDR Memorial

  • Has waterfalls
  • Better than James A. Garfield's memorial
  • Includes a statue of Fala
  • Spread-out and weird
  • Statue of the Great Depression is, well, depressing
  • When a President leaves behind specific instructions on what kind of monument he wants, and you make it, is it really necessary to make another one just so you can have waterfalls?
Overall Success as a Memorial:
Nobody really knows about it, and it's not inspiring. So, I mean, what the heck? C

The Garfield Memorial

  • It is a big statue
  • It is a big statue
Overall Success as a Memorial:
None. But then, what do you really expect when you're President for less time than it takes to have a baby? F

So, what have we learned from all this? Well, nothing, actually. But as far as Paul Burns monuments go, how about those big cool-looking towers from Malaysia?

Yeah, them! What do you say, Kuala Lampur? We'll even pay for the shipping!

Anyway, be sure to tune in tomorrow, when we'll be talking about nihilism.


Henry Merwin Shrady said...

And where is your discussion of the Grant Memorial, hmmm, Mr. Burns? Hmm? Hmmm?

Oh who am I kidding, my life is a joke

Thomas Jefferson said...

Yeah seriously, just whose idea was it to have my monument be exactly the same as Lincoln's? "Hurr durrr I'm the architect for the Jefferson Memorial, what should I build? Oh look, there's something I could copy, maybe I'll make it round instead. Durr durr durr."

It's not like I wrote the document that created your country or anything *grumble*grumble*grumble*