Thursday, April 3, 2008

(Quantum) observational humor

Politics is a tricky business. You're trying to attract as many voters as possible, but practically anything you say alienates someone! Take health care, for instance. If a candidate says "I am all for the universal health care," half the country is going to boo you off the stage. But if you are like "I don't think that's a good idea," you alienate the other half! And that's just one issue. Can you imagine trying to unite a whole country behind you on every single issue?

I know!

Fortunately, with the aid of science, this problem has been resolved. Check it out: quantum physics says that stuff can exist in multiple states at the same time, and it's only by the act of observation that the multiple states "collapse" into one.

I know!

While there are numerous applications for such a discovery, Paul Burns is the first one to use it for politics. You see, while traditional (or "classical") candidates pick only a single stance on an issue and hope for the best, Burns is actually able to hold every possible view on an issue simultaneously, and then collapse to a single view when you ask his opinion.

To the untrained eye, this might seem like wishy-washy-ness, flip-floppery, or just plain old-fashioned cowardice. But in contrast to previous candidates, Paul Burns is actually being completely consistent, never changing his stance from one moment to the next. Which nations would he like to allow into NATO? All possible combinations - at once. Is he pro-life or pro-choice? Yes. In a quantum democracy, you, the voter, decide what the President thinks at any given time.

But wait, you ask! What happens if Paul Burns looks into a mirror and observes himself? Wouldn't he then be forced to have some sort of concrete opinion?

Not to worry, gentle voters. Using the latest science, Paul Burns is also a vampire!


Dracula said...

Oh man oh man oh man oh man oh man

I knew it!!

Captain Nemo said...

I must admit, I was a touch skeptical at first about joining Burns campaign - he his human - but this reassures me a great deal. After all, anyone who enjoys biting humans to see them bleed has my approval.

Dracula again said...

I know!! Finally, a candidate who truly understands the undead!

Anonymous said...

I want to hear his stance on us zombies. Are we classified as citizens - or even humans - for that matter? Just because we want to eat your brains doesn't make us bad people.

Brian Buckley said...

Now that is an important question you brought up there. Expect a statement on the zombie issue soon!