More like, Second Law of STUPID-dynamics

So I think everyone can agree: things are bad, and they're pretty much only going to get worse.

But have you ever wondered why? Turns out, it's the government's fault. (Shocker!) During the Roaring Twenties, the Coolidge Administration - fearing an excess of prosperity - helped pass a law to guarantee life wouldn't just keep getting better forever and ever.

The edict, dubbed the Second Law of Thermodynamics, was a huge success and was directly responsible for the Great Depression just two years later. Continued enforcement of the law ensured the Depression could not be ended without something even worse (a world war), which itself could not be ended without something yet worse (nuclear weapons). Finally, the end of the nuclear arms race ushered in an era where we could destroy the whole planet without even using weapons, and that's about where we are right now. At the rate things are going, most scientists expect all life on Earth to be obliterated "in about five minutes."



Friends, this law is a huge mistake, and I ask for your support in having it repealed! Obama may speak of a brighter future, McCain may push for a stronger foreign policy, but what good are prosperity and security when it's all going down the tube in a hundred trillion trillion years anyway? No, indeed. If elected, I will push Congress to end this silliness as soon as possible, and propose in its place a Second Law of Awesome: the mandate that everything must get continually more wonderful from now until Forever. According to our calculations, this means that by the year 2024, cupcakes will taste like happiness and strawberries at the same time.

Paul McCartney has already expressed his support for this idea. Won't you do the same?

Please, think of the kittens.

Be sure to tune for tomorrow's post, in which Paul Burns will unmask a conspiracy!