Friday, April 11, 2008

What you're about to read...may shock you

Gas prices in America are outrageous. How can those oil companies justify it? I mean, the only thing they have to do is travel to remote locations around the world, find new sources of crude oil, figure out innovative ways of extracting it, ship the oil to refineries, use ridiculously complex mechanical and chemical processes to turn it into gasoline, ship it to a distribution terminal, process it further, and ship it to thousands of gas stations without ever a hiccup in supply! And just because of that, they want to sell us a gallon of gas for the price of a 20-ounce coffee from Starbuck's?!


Luckily, Paul Burns isn't going to take it anymore. He's gotten to the bottom of this scam, and he knows exactly what's going on. As it turns out, it isn't those dastardly oil companies - because really, let's face it, if they could've just jacked up their rates anytime they felt like it, they would've done that a long time ago. No, the real culprit here is a force deeper, more sinister, more hideous, than any of us would care to imagine.

Think about it: who has the most to gain from high gas prices?

That's right. Daytime soap operas.

If gas is expensive, you can't drive, and if you can't drive, you're not going to go anywhere. But if you're home all day, what are you going to do? Write a book? Take up juggling? Create a fake presidential campaign? Hardly. You're going to watch Claire cheat on her cancer-stricken boyfriend Marcus with her best friend's fiance, Simon, to get back at her manipulating mother except it turns out it was all just a dream anyway. It's like having the stupid drama of a reality TV show without the unusual premise or the spontaneity! And you will sit there and suck it all in, day after day. Because the only thing dirtier than Big Big Soap.

So watch out, Days of Our Lives. Paul Burns is on to your little scheme, and if he gets elected, Claire won't be the only one getting screwed by a politician.

Be sure to tune in Monday, when the candidate will tell you his ideas for his very own presidential memorial!

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