Good news, everybody! We found a loophole in the Bill of Rights!
Okay so check it out, the Eighth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution:
"Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted."
Notice the wording. Not "cruel or unusual" - it says "cruel and unusual." You know what this means, right? The stuff we do to criminals can be as weird as we want, as long as we're not actually being evil about it.
This changes everything!
I mean, come on, the legal system could be so much more fun. Why, just imagine the possibilities:
- Paris Hilton - to be placed under the authority of a third-grade math teacher until such time as she shall demonstrate the ability to successfully multiply and divide single-digit numbers
- Wesley Snipes - to perform "I'm a Little Teapot" once for each dollar withheld in federal income taxes
- Eliot Spitzer - to have the word "IRONY" tattooed on his bald spot
- Martha Stewart - to have her house redecorated by Little Richard
- Barry Bonds - to learn the complete chemical formula for anabolic steroids
- Alberto Gonzales - to be legally renamed "Speedy Gonzales" - referring, of course, to the rate at which he is able to purge facts from his long-term memory.
Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will get you up to speed on current events, in a fun and exciting way!