...and for the active lifestyle, give somnambulism a try

And now, a word from the candidate.

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"Hi, I'm Paul Burns!

You know, it isn't easy getting enough sleep these days. There are so many distractions! Work...driving the daughter to rugby practice, the son to ballet...responding to each and every comment on your LiveJournal...crafting elaborate schemes to convert blog posts directly into cash. It can be tough! But I'm running for President (of the USA, no less) and I still get eight, nine, sometimes fifteen hours of sleep at night. How do I do it?

What, you say? This isn't Oprah? It's not my job, as President, to solve your everyday personal problems? Ha-ha! Still living in the 1920s, are we? Oh, how wrong you are. Modern Americans expect the President to solve all their problems, no matter how minute! And they should. I mean, let's face it: you people are dapper and good-looking, but do you really expect me to believe you can function without the federal government's intervention? Please.

So like I was saying: the secret to getting a good night's sleep. Well, my friends, the secret to getting a good night's sleep is to lie. (Hehe - no, not lie down, although that would indeed be an excellent pun.) Think about it. What cuts into your sleep? Responsibilities, right? So lie about them! For example:

Daughter: "Mommy, why didn't you read me a bedtime story last night?"
You: "Oh, sorry, sweetie. Mommy contracted a sudden illness and didn't want to get her children sick!"

Or this:

Boss: "You're late."
You: "Oh, it was terrible - they just came out of nowhere, bullets flying. Pandas with AKs, never seen anything like it before."

Or even:

Surgeon: "Doctor, you were supposed to be here three hours ago! This patient had a triple quadruple cerebral meltdown dysfunction! In the name of all that is good, why, Doctor, why, why, WHY?"
You: "Cerebral what now?"

Of course, while I am all for this strategy for you, please be assured that I myself do not lie in any way, shape, or form. After all, if there's one thing Americans expect from their Presidents even more than hand-holding, it's honesty.

Peace out."

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Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will in fact rock your socks off.