All about the Jeffersons

Presidential campaign finance laws are complex. You've got hard money, soft money, private contributions, public financing, money for primaries, money for the general election...look, nobody actually understands how it works. Not even the candidates get it. They just take all the money they can, and if another candidate gets more than them, they say a law was broken. Paul Burns doesn't know how it works either.

And what Paul Burns doesn't understand, he reforms.

Forget the old system. Throw it out. There's a new sherriff in town, and his campaign finace system goes like this:

1. Unlimited contributions are allowed on September 19.
2. Personal checks with background pictures of one's own children are not allowed under any circumstances.
3. The candidate's mother may give him or her up to thirty-five dollars per week, if he or she promises not to spend it all in one place.
4. Any coins a magician "finds" behind a candidate's ear are permissible so long as the candidate does not figure out the trick.
5. Wishing wells are fair game.
6. All Mafia contributions must be thoroughly laundered.
7. If the dollar amount of the contribution is even, it must be paid in two-dollar bills (except as provided by Rule 8).
8. If the dollar amount of the contribution is over $1,000 it must be paid in buffalo nickels.
9. There is no Rule 9.
10. Candidates may keep all money obtained via Deal Or No Deal, Jeopardy, and Wheel of Fortune, but not Survivor.
11. Rules 3-5 only apply on Tuesdays, except as provided by Rule 9.
12. No individual may give any candidate more than $3,141,592,265 in a single day.
13. Candidates may be excused from Rule 12 if they look guilty enough.
14. There is no Rule 12.

There, that ought to keep you people happy.

Be sure to tune in Monday, when Paul Burns will discuss the Eighth Amendment. Yeah, that's right, the Eighth. You want to fight about it?