Monday, March 24, 2008

Cat, "Nemo," named top military aide

In these frightening-ish times, it is important to know that the President is getting the best possible counsel on matters of defense, both against traditional threats and in the war on terror. Well, don't worry. Although the other candidates haven't even chosen running-mates yet, Paul Burns has already picked his National Security Advisor. And unlike those Cabinet posts with their pesky Senate-confirmation process, the National Security Advisor is whoever the President darn-well says it is. So without further ado, let us present:

Nemo is a cat with a long record of excellence in service. From his earliest years as a Kitten Kommando to his legendary service in the Great Catnip War of '07, Nemo has proven that he's got what it takes when it's time to get tough. He's extremely knowledgeable on foreign affairs (a trait he shares with his namesake, who is bipedal, not ichthyoid) and has strong ties with the government of Kathmandu.

"I was drawn to Paul Burns when I heard about his support for kittens," Nemo said (or would have, if he were capable of speech or sentient thought). "That's something that everyone just sort of takes for granted these days, so it was great to see a candidate really stand up and make a point about it. Do it for the kittens, he says. I will take that as my job description."

"I mean that in a strictly poetic sense," he added hypothetically. "I'm not stupid, of course."

The other members of Paul Burns's growing cadre expressed their support. "We of the Federation, I mean, Cabinet, welcome all life-forms, four-legged and otherwise," said Patrick Stewart, recently-appointed Secretary of F***ing Awesome.

Running-mate Jessica Alba agreed. "Omigosh he's so cute!! And cuddly," she explained. "Who's the cuddliest wuddliest kitten in the whole wide world? Who's my kitten? Who's my kitten?" Ms. Alba proceeded to make cooing noises at him, and described his little kitten suit (currently being tailored) as "absolutely adorable."

Presumptive Chief Justice Samuel L. Jackson added, "At least it's not a snake."

Of course, every nominee has his critics, and Nemo is no exception. Within hours of the announcement, political commentator Jon Arbuckle released this statement: "Sir, I knew Garfield, and you are no Garfield."

The inevitable detractors aside, Nemo enjoys widespread support in the cat community, and several prominent felines have already voiced their support, including Felix and Tom. Nemo's roommate, Ranger, also poked his cute little nose out from under the bed just long enough to add his own congratulations.

Nemo's owner, who wishes to remain anonymous, confirmed that Nemo "is a good kitty," but declined further comment.


Felix said...

Don't you listen to that Arbuckle man. Dig in your claws! Use our enemies as your scratching post!

Ranger said...


Chuck Norris said...

If anyone messes with this cat, I will personally roundhouse kick him in the face.

kochm said...

A question for Nemo: Do you support the "kittens for fuel" campaign as described earlier by an interested party member?

Also as being our top militarey aide, I know this question is on everyone's mind. If you are declawed, how are you competent to run our defense when you can't defend yourself?

Nemo's Owner said...

In response to Kochm:

Captain Nemo (as is his full name, but to present a comfortable familiarity he prefers just Nemo) is most certainly not declawed. He retains all his claws, teeth, and aggressive instinct as shown by the strenuous workout routine he keeps to on his scratching post.

As for the "kittens for fuel" campaign he believes they have missed the intent of "do it for the kittens" and can only spare them a calculating and disdainful glance.

Anonymous said...

I have a cat named Nemo... He is also black and white...

- Jocimo