Saturday, March 1, 2008

Burns reaches out to Toad Suckers

It's one of the most serious problems in modern America. It affects thousands of people each day. Those who live in its shadow do their best to lead normal, happy lives, but they cannot escape their secret shame. And like most such problems, it goes almost completely unreported in the media.

I am talking, of course, about bad town names.

It's easy to dismiss the problem if you don't suffer from it. Sure, the weather is nice and sunny in Phoenix, Arizona, but the forecast calls for embarrassment if you happen to live in Monkey's Eyebrow, Kentucky. Or what about the fine folks of Hicksville, Ohio, or Hookersville, West Virginia? There's no telling how many promising first dates went bad for these people, due to simple miscommunication.

Residents of misnamed communities, Paul Burns has heard your cry! He knows it hurts to live in Hell, Michigan; he understands the dismal plight of Little Hope, Texas. And as always, he has a plan.

Phase one: build local pride. If you're living in one of these unfortunate towns, make the best of it! Don't be ashamed of who you are! Shout your podunk's appellation from the rooftops - or from the peak of the nearest mud-heap, as applicable. Use it in conversations. Get the discussion going. But whatever you do, speak out - your era of humiliation is finally over.

Phase two: change the name to something better. Because, I mean, come on, Arkansas. Toad Suck? Seriously?

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