Thursday, March 27, 2008

You have to admit this would be awesome

We all know how it goes, right? You've just settled in for a nice evening in the easy chair, you flip on the news, and then - what do you see?

That's right. Somewhere, somehow, someone has done something stupid.

It never fails, does it? And not just a little stupid, either. Not a day goes by that someone doesn't do something so incredibly dumb, so monumentally idiotic, that it makes you just not want to read the news anymore. C'mon, you know it's true.

Wouldn't it be nice if somebody would do something about that?

Somebody is.

Paul Burns today unveiled a new position in his administration: the Presidential Slapper, or P.S., to take care of the stupidity problem. It works like this. Each day, trained specialists will carefully monitor all the news and decide on the stupidest thing any single person has done that day. At the end of the day, the P.S. will be dispatched to slap that person in the face with a fish.

Yeah, that's right. A fish. So you learn something.

The purpose of this is threefold:

1. To punish the stupid person. Idiocy as a global phenomenon has just gone on far too long, and we need some accountability.

2. To make an example. You might think twice about parking across three parking spots if you read about that dude who just got Presidentially Slapped last night.

3. 'Cause we think it would be really fun.

So, who is the right person to be the P.S.? Who has the strength and courage to slap anyone in the world, the ability to travel the globe on a daily basis, and the moral fiber not to abuse such an awesome responsibility?

There is, of course, only one real answer.

P.S.: You just got slapped with a fish by Wonder Woman.


Princess Diana of Themyscira said...

Don't know who this "Wonder Woman" person is but she sounds like a pretty amazing person!

Anonymous said...

Burns has my full support on this. However, I wish to know what -kind- of fish will be used. Will it scale on the offense of stupidity? So a trout will be used for taking a handicapped spot and a swordfish for parking across TWO handicapped spots?

Department of Fish Slapping said...

Interesting idea! Our fish-slapping scale has not yet been fully developed, and we will certainly give this idea our full consideration.

Democracy in action, folks. Get it while it lasts.