The political viability of H.P. Lovecraft's feverish imaginings

Paul Burns, savvy candidate that he is, naturally keeps a close eye on his rivals. There are of course the usual contenders - Clinton, McCain, Obama - as well as some other, less likely options.

But recently another contender for the Presidency has reared its ugly, gargantuan, rubbery, tentacled, ancient, horror-inducing head: Cthulhu. The Great Old One announced his candidacy some time ago, and it seems voters are conflicted over the differences between these two towering figures in American politics. Here, then, is a convenient guide to the relevant differences:

Paul Burns:

• Stands for justice and integrity
• Promotes reform to better the life of every American citizen
• Genuinely cares about voters
• Has a plan to restore the world's faith in democracy
• Likes ice cream, and also kittens
• Is running alongside Jessica Alba

Cthulhu:

• Will personally devour each and every human being on this earth in its own vast maw, then plunge the fabric of spacetime itself into the very depths of Chaos

When you consider all factors, the choice is clear. Vote Burns!