Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Burns quells fears of a third Death Star

Paul Burns stated unequivocally today that there were no plans to construct a third superweapon, to the relief of many.

"I have already condemned the Sith as part of a new Axis of Evil," he said. "Now I would like to go one step further and clarify beyond any doubt that we will not construct another Death Star. The Death Star, and its successor the Death Star II, represent failed policies of a failed administration. You need have no fears on that front."

Burns cited as key reasons for this decision, "the fact that we all live on a single planet" (the Assured Destruction, or AD, argument) and "the high likelihood that a bunch of underfunded, courageous, ragtag rebels would just come blow it up anyway."

"Also," he added, "it wouldn't physically work. Have you ever tried shooting six lasers into a single point? They just go through each other. Man, that would be embarrassing."

Supporters and opponents alike widely applauded the decision, with one relieved citizen saying that building a third planet-destroyer would be "pretty much the worst idea ever." Another added, "We shouldn't be too proud of these technological marvels we create. The power to destroy a planet is nothing compared to the power of moving objects slightly, appearing as an impotent ghost, and killing individuals one at a time."

Critics, however, point out that a new Death Star could have been instrumental in carrying out one of Burns's key initiatives, blowing up the Moon. Also, Jimmy Randolph, age 8, points out that watching a planet blow up would be "wicked cool."

Burns declined to comment on the future construction of additional Sun Crushers, stating that their canonicity is "questionable at best."


Qwi Xux said...

Meanwhile unemployment rates will skyrocket. You New Republic types. You just never think it through, do you?

Han Solo said...

Burns is questioning my moment of glory? Ramming a Sun Crusher into the bridge of an Imperial Star Destroyer was far more impressive than saving "I got a lucky shot and blew up a Death Star" Luke that one time.

He's lost my vote.

George Lucas said...

Dissing Luke Skywalker?

Not cool, man...not cool!

Han Solo said...

Being used as a wall decoration for a giant slug? Also not cool man.