Cue and eh

Two questions from the mailbag today!

Q. Just where do you and your running mate stand on this whole thing about global warming? I mean, should I be investing in land in the Antarctic and building condos and resort hotels? Would you support tax breaks for such innovative enterprises?

-A Concerned Investor

A. Well, Mr. Investor, in this confusing modern age, it's important that we stay rational - that we look carefully at the data, and make our judgments solely on the facts. And the facts are: global warming is voodoo science. Oh, sure, the so-called experts might sound authoritative, what with their "careful study of the problem" and their "overwhelming empirical evidence," but don't be fooled. They're just trying to scare you! I mean, come on, these are the same people who claimed the Earth was round, and we all saw how that turned out.

Remember: there's no problem so big that you can't hide from it.



Q. What is Paul Burns's position on the No Sushi Left Behind Act?

-David Vollbracht

A. Good question, David. Paul Burns knows all about Congress and its pork-barrel legislation, and he is pleased to announce that there is no pork in the Sushi Act. This is a tastefully written bill which represents fresh ideas for America. Now, I know what you're thinking - sounds fishy, right? Well, of course there's no such thing as a free lunch, and the money will have to come from somewhere. Don't worry, though. We're on it like white on rice.

Yes, that's right. The No Sushi Left Behind Act will be funded by the Karaoke Tax.