Thursday, March 13, 2008

You can't spell "success" without "nuclear arsenal"

You know what's really great about the United States of America?

If you said "everything," "the fact that we/they are so much better than everyone else," or "Natalie Portman," then you would of course be right. But what I was really looking for was: "citizens taking the initiative." And today, there's a very important issue that a group of concerned citizens has taken into their own hands.

I am talking, of course, about the Citizens' Association to Blow Up the Moon.

Yes, the Moon, that worthless lifeless gray horrid parasitic dustball, has hung for too long like a cancer in our skies. But what to do about it? The usual solution for places we don't like (that would be nuking) fails here, because the Moon has arrived to us in a pre-nuked condition. Simply put, we can't make it more dead and crater-y than it already is. So what's a Citizens' Association to do?

As is usually the case, the problem is that we just aren't using enough thermonuclear weapons. If elected, Paul Burns pledges to vastly extend Ronald Reagan's Star Wars initiative, developing a system capable of launching millions and millions of nuclear warheads directly into the face of our lunar oppressor. (Not to worry; the resulting giant chunks of Moon that will rain down on us will be destroyed with even more nuclear weapons.)

Our planet will claim triumphant victory over its four-billion-year rival, no doubt staging month-long parades of rampant drunkenness in the streets of our cities. Everyone will benefit: insomniacs, who will sleep better at night without the light pollution; astronomers, who will be able to watch meteor showers in a darker sky; werewolf hunters, whose long, mad quests will finally be at an end that is not the grave. But the real winners, of course, will be our children, who will inherit a world free of that circular terror from above, a world that very possibly will not even be consumed by the vast innumerable horrors of a nuclear winter.

Are we actually going to do this thing? You'd better believe it. In your face, Cthulhu.

1 comment:

Cthulhu said...