Thursday, March 20, 2008

Lest there be any confusion

What with two people named Mr. Burns floating around, we thought it'd be best to clear up a few things about who's who, and more importantly, who isn't. Granted, the people confused by this are probably the same people who think Spock is the Roman god of fire, but that's okay; we don't judge. Paul Burns values all Americans, even the dumb ones!

So, let's break it down: that's Paul Burns on the left there, and Montgomery Burns on the right. As you can see, Paul is much better-looking than his centenarian counterpart, which (if Disney is any guide) indicates at once that he is morally superior, more likable, an all-around better guy - and destined to win. Running-mate Jessica Alba agrees: "Looks aren't everything," she explains, "but they really, really, really help!" You go, Jessica.

The two differ in other ways, also. Most obviously, Paul Burns is young and healthy, while Monty not only has a hideous, failing, blackened lump of a heart, but is also a cartoon character. And then there's the matter of Paul's thick, manly head of hair, a sharp contrast to his rival's dome, which (with the aid of a flashlight) could be used to beam signals into space. (Harsh, but true. Remember, folks, this is politics.) In fact, these two Burnses are so unlike that aside from their surname, they only have two things in common: they're ridiculously wealthy, and they're superlatively Caucasian. By contrast, the list of things they don't have in common is actually infinite. That's right: we just proved it, with MATH.

So, to summarize: Paul good, Monty evil, both white, Jessica Alba smokin' hot. There, that should clear up any lingering ambiguity.