It's the stupid, economy

So it turns out Americans are looking for solutions, not speeches. Who knew?

Paul Burns knew.

And he should. After all, he himself has proposed several solutions while giving no speeches at all, yielding an overall solution-to-speech ratio of positive infinity. Chew on that, candidates who aren't Paul Burns.

But never one to rest on his laurels, Burns has recently unveiled yet another big plan to help Americans. This latest effort will end poverty once and for all; it will also push toward the discovery of a number higher than positive infinity, thus killing two birds with one stone. (Note to PETA: fake birds.)

What we're getting at is this: the reason it's so hard to get rid of poverty is that deciding who to help is so gosh-darned complicated. Hardworking single mom with three kids whose house burned down? Sure. Abusive alcoholic who gambled away his own money trying to pay off his bar tab? Maybe not so much. But where do you draw the line? And then you have to give people money on welfare, but simultaneously think of incentives for them to find work...on, and on...

Well, it's no secret the economy is just too complicated, and it's about time someone did some decomplification. So here's what's up: we're going to take everyone's money away, and then redistribute it evenly back again. It's a clean slate, people - we're giving you the chance to start over. And this time, if you run out of money, it's your own fault. No more welfare - no more social security - no more complaining. Just a simple, one-time wealth redistribution that will end all future welfare programs. And of course, that means lower taxes, which for once won't benefit "mostly the wealthy." Sheesh.

Some people call this Communism. I say, Karl Marx wouldn't touch this idea with a ten-foot sickle. Vote Burns.