Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Crazy people are crazy



Perhaps you do not like either of the two remaining candidates. Perhaps you believe John McCain is a shortsighted, two-timing, economically-challenged, kitten-killing old warmonger, and Barack Obama is a dope-smoking, unpatriotic, un-Christian, puppy-killing shell of a human being. Boy, that's depressing, isn't it? I mean, you want to vote, but these are your only options? How lame is that?

"But wait!" you say. "There are more than two candidates for president! Why, I think I'll vote for a third-party candidate! These long-shot underdogs have the kind of character and principles we need to start a real dialogue for change!"

Ah, yes, the noble third-party candidate. Surely their quixotic quest for the White House will inspire us with the American dream. Let's look at some of these precious electoral gems, shall we?

Chuck Baldwin of the Constitution Party - Chuck is a radio talk show host, which is a pretty impressive start already. Mentored by Jerry Falwell? Even better! But what are his positions on the issues? Hard to say for sure, since his website doesn't actually mention them, but perhaps the website for the Constitution Party can answer our question...

Ah, here we go. The Constitution Party asks that "no further funds be appropriated for any kind of foreign aid program." Well, that makes sense - after all, Baldwin is a conservative Christian, and it was Jesus who said, "You know those desperately, unbelievably poor people in other countries? Don't help them at all."

But I'm sure Mr. Baldwin has a good reason for not giving any sort of relief to the literally millions of Burmese who are starving to death under the heel of an oppressive military regime. Let's see what it is...ah, yes:

"There is no constitutional basis for foreign aid."

Hm...it's a valid point, but it does come across as sort of stupid, and inaccurate. Maybe we could help them out by revising a bit?

"Although foreign aid represents the most basic form of human decency, there is no constitutional basis for it, except for in Article I, Section 8 of the U.S. Constitution."

Much better!

Bob Barr of the Libertarian Party - Okay, so Bob Barr isn't the official nominee just yet. But he is a Libertarian, and Libertarians want to keep the government out of people's lives.

So it makes sense that he wrote the Defense of Marriage Act, tried to get the Pentagon to bar Wiccans from the military, and pushed to outlaw the horrors of medicinal marijuana.

Look - it's complicated.

Gene Amondson of the Prohibition Party - Now this is a candidate who has thought things through.

Position on alcohol? Alcohol should be banned.

Position on education? Alcohol should be banned.

Position on civil rights? Alcohol should be banned.

Position on the Iraq War? Alcohol should be banned.

Position on negotiating with rogue nations? This is a complex and multifacted issue that must be approached on a case-by-case basis, resisting the temptation to let empty rhetoric sway our views. Also, alcohol should be banned.

In conclusion: The only constitutional amendment to actually be overturned by another constitutional amendment? Yeah. We want it back.

Brian Moore of the Socialist Party USA - If you're having trouble finding his website...just google "Brian Moore." It'll be the second result that comes up. Right after Brian Moore Guitars.

If you're having trouble believing that a $15/hour minimum wage, a 30-hour work week, and the abolishment of the CIA would solve our nation's problems...well, that's tougher.

John Taylor Bowles of the National Socialist Order of America - Yes, we have an actual Nazi running for President in 2008. No, I am not kidding.


In conclusion: what kind of president would you like to have in 2008? If you answered, "I'd like a president who has positions on more than one issue, lists these positions on his actual website, doesn't want to dismantle the CIA, doesn't change his positions every five years, and isn't a Nazi," then vote Burns!

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when we'll take a look at someone in politics who isn't crazy. Just horribly, horribly stupid.

9 comments:

John Taylor Bowles said...

Hey - hey. Listen, people. I am not a Nazi.

I am a neo-Nazi. Let's get it straight.

H R Clinton said...

"Two" remaining candidates? Wrong!!! I am not out of the running, not by a long shot. Once I trot out the dirt on "O Boy", he will definitely be gone!(Sure, I've changed my mind a lot, but the American people aren't smart enough to catch on. Sorry Joe Six-Pack.....but thanks for your vote! and I feel your pain)

Anonymous said...

Hey, are you the Brian Buckley of Elfwood? If so, you are definitely a creative writer...is this just your latest creation?

Brian Buckley said...

Anonymous - yep, the very same! Thanks! :-)

B H Obama said...

Hillary's right, people - she's fighting an uphill battle. All I have to do is defeat two political opponents. She has to defeat two political opponents, and also math.

c baldwin said...

Anyone care to explain exactly where in Section 8 it says we have to spend our money on poor foreign buggers?

Brian Buckley said...

C Baldwin - The issue is not whether Congress has to, but whether it has the authority to. Article I, Section 8 contains the phrase "The Congress shall have power...To regulate commerce with foreign nations..."

The question of whether foreign aid counts as "regulating commerce" could probably find a better debate forum than the comments section of a political humor blog.

citizen1 said...

Baldwin does not believe that it is the governments role to provide aid to any foreign government or people. He does however believe that individuals should give to the poor and needy throughout the world. Giving to the poor was not given to the government but to individual Christians.

Brian Buckley said...

Citizen1 - I understand Mr. Baldwin's position, and I respect the desire to keep government out of places it doesn't belong. The reality is, however, that there exist crisis situations in which governments can be more effective than private groups.

If you disagree, feel free to register your disapproval by not voting for this fictional candidate.