Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Yes, this actually happened

Although the Presidential Fish Slapper has not yet begun her official duties, she has found her first target. The Fish Slapper, as you know, has been charged with identifying instances of incredible stupidity and striking the offenders with a fish, both to satisfy karma and to make an example for others. And folks, we've got one that's fishworthy.

Last week, a man in Fort Worth, Texas, walked into a bank and tried to cash a personal check for $360 billion.

Let's try and put this into perspective. Say you had a stack of ten hundred-dollar bills. Now say you took a thousand of those stacks and put them into a big chest. Now say someone gave you a thousand of those chests every day for a year. Folks, this is more money than Warren Buffet, Bill Gates, and all the Rockefellers combined; this would be $54 from every man, woman and child on our planet.

Yes, the guy appears to be a pothead (big shocker), but I want to believe there is a certain point at which that ceases to be an excuse. What part of your brain tells you this is an acceptable amount of money to request from a bank teller? For, you know, a record company?

While science may never know the answer, it is Paul Burns's profound hope that the offending cerebral particle will be dislodged by the impact of an eight-pound trout to the left frontal lobe. Repeated blows may be necessary.

But don't worry, folks. It's not like she'll enjoy it or anything.

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when you (yes, you) can find out what Paul Burns has in store for his Presidential Library!


Warren Buffett said...

Hey, come on you guys, I once cashed a check for $36 billion. What's an extra zero between friends?

Kelsey said...

I fully support the use of a trout as the fish of choice. Well done, Paul Burns, well done.