Tuesday, June 24, 2008

How's the party, Captain Picard?



Well, folks, this is a big moment. They said it couldn't be done. They said it was impossible. They said we would kill ourselves trying. But in spite of the naysayers, the flimflammers, and the joykillers, we find ourselves nevertheless on the cusp of revolution. For we have achieved the unthinkable. We have achieved...

...100 posts on the Burns For America blog!

What? That's completely unremarkable, you say? It's a poor sort of blog that doesn't reach 100 posts, you say? Yeah, well you know what? Forget you. We don't need you. We -

Okay, come back. We need you. We need you.

Because if you leave, who will remain to read our...

100th Post Retrospective (on the Previous 99 Posts) (Which Fine Okay is not That Many but Whatever)

Ah, it was a humble beginning, wasn't it? A simple man with a modest plan: team up with Jessica Alba to become President of the United States. And the early days were orthodox enough. Support your constituents; pick up a few endorsements; coin a catchy slogan.

But it quickly became clear that this would be no ordinary campaign.

Paul Burns had an uncompromising vision. What other candidate has announced plans for sprucing up the Solar System, nuking our nocturnal adversary, or getting a Wii for each and every living American citizen? Who else would dare subvert both the First and Eighth Amendments? And who but him would ever conceive of using kittens to achieve world peace?

Paul Burns was a man of pristine moral character. He wasn't just against the death penalty - he had creative alternatives! He wasn't just a man of God - he pondered assuming godhood! He didn't just take a firm stance on ethical issues - he took every stance! And he was always willing to take responsibility for his actions - and redirect it elsewhere.

Paul Burns had an intellect unparalleled in the history of Man. He wrote countless sonnets for the edification of voters everywhere. He was a master of mathematics and a purveyor of vocabulary. He taught us the very meaning of life itself. And for all of that, he was not too proud to belittle his fellow man.

But most of all, Paul Burns was awesome. He's already planning a library with a mile-high monument to himself. He's brushing aside his competitors. He has his own Secretary of Awesome. His veep knows how to lay the smack down. And lest we forget: he named the multiverse after himself. I mean, how awesome is that?

Um, no. The correct answer was "super awesome."

Well, we've come a long way, but we haven't won this thing yet. Tell your family. Tell your friends. Hold rallies. Link to us on your website. And above all, come November, vote Burns.

Don't worry. We'll make the next 100 posts even more awesome than the first.

So you'd better be sure to tune in again tomorrow. Why, who knows what Paul Burns will talk about next?

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