This week in fashion: tinfoil hats

There are plenty of conspiracy theories out there. Paul McCartney is secretly dead. If you've ever touched a penny, the government has your DNA on file. Israel is controlled by Jews. Sure, they sound crazy, but if you're like most people, the thought has crossed your head from time to time: could there be any truth to those Area 51 old wives' tales?

No. There couldn't.

And I'll tell you why. It isn't because our leader are sweet and wonderful, or because we're smart enough to see through lies. No, conspiracy theories are crap for the simple reason that our government isn't smart enough to pull off something like that.

I mean, no offense, but let's be honest here - we're talking about a government whose idea of invasion is dropping a few men onto a shoreline in enemy territory and shouting "¡Ándale! ¡Ándale!" - a government that's spent over half a billion dollars on a visitors' center - a government in which a state house of representatives agreed unanimously that pi was precisely 3.2. Folks, forget about CIA cover-ups; these guys are struggling with basic geometry.

But not to worry! Though the current administration is far too inept to pull off a vast right-wing conspiracy, be assured that when Paul Burns takes office, he will immediately enact a conspiracy so enormous, so far-reaching, so staggeringly complex, that it will blow your mind. (Literally. If you find out about it, we have to kill you.)

Trust me. Our Secretary of F***ing Awesome has plenty of experience with this sort of thing.

So, vote for Paul Burns. And a year or two from now, when you're sitting in your easy chair, watching Celebrity Jeopardy and snacking on Snickerdoodles, and all of a sudden you get a feeling like nothing in the world is wrong...yeah. That's when you'll know. The Matrix is real, and the Architect...is Paul Burns.

In the meantime, be sure to check in tomorrow, when we'll be working out a little basic math of our own!