The usual warnings apply

So I guess this is my fault; I probably should've explained this better to begin with. Well, I didn't, so I'll do it now:

DISCLAIMER - YOU ARE NOT AS COOL AS PAUL BURNS. Just because he does something successfully DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN TOO.

I am serious here! I've gotten reports that folks are doing things like:

Slapping other folks with fish. Come on - that's only a job for the Presidential Fish Slapper.

Figuring out the meaning of life. People! This has already been discovered! Paul Burns was all over it like white on West Virginia.

Fighting evil. Okay, for reals on this one. Y'all need to understand. The evil? It isn't safe. And if you don't leave the evil-handling to the professionals, you might get hurt. It's, like, what they do.

Fine, you say, but isn't Paul Burns a role model? Shouldn't I do my best to imitate him? If I can't fight evil, ponder philosophy, or carp-clobber somebody, what can I do?

We've got you covered:

List of things Paul Burns does that it is okay to imitate
Eating
Sleeping
Rocking out
Having your own blog
Being awesome
Running for President (but not this year)
Playing Wii
Being kind to animals
Kicking it old school
Chilling with Jessica Alba
Um I guess pointing at signs is probably okay too

If you want to do something and it's not on this list...you should clear it with us first.

This has been a public service announcement. For a blog post that's less obviously patronizing, be sure to tune in tomorrow! There will definitely be an article.