Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Might want to do something about that, eh?

If you've had the experience of being conscious (mind you, not socially conscious, just conscious) at any time in the past five years, you probably know there is this thing called global warming. We're at an exciting time; we're just past the point of "Okay, the scientists aren't all lying to us about the terabytes of evidence that global warming is actually happening" but not quite to the point of knowing what's causing it. Oh, sure, there are some kooks who say things like "Maybe the scientists with their terabytes of evidence are also not lying about the cause" but clearly such statements are part of a vast left-wing conspiracy.

But if it's not our fault (and how could it be, us being so responsible and all) then whose fault is it? Some say it's just part of a natural cycle, so it's, like, nature's fault, but that sounds a little too much like some kind of New Age pagan crystal voodoo to us. If there's a natural catastrophe, it'd better be a straight-up Act Of God, thank you very much. Except that really, if God were trying to tell us something, you'd probably expect it to be a little less subtle.

So, what's the cause?

Well, we at the Burns Campaign are uniquely qualified to answer this question. Not because Paul Burns is master of all science (although, he is); and not because he can postulate all possible answers simultaneously (although, he can). Why, then?

Well, as you may recall, Mr. Burns has a scapegoat:

Yes, our candidate has generously donated the use of Jeff Fetters, his personal scapegoat, for the problem of global warming. No more partisan debates; no more scientific research grants; no more bickering or worrying. Just a single, simple answer we can all agree on.

It's not our fault. It's his fault.

Now don't you feel better?

Be sure to tune in again tomorrow, when we will make you an expert in the art of detecting fake holidays!