Thursday, June 19, 2008

Will the real Paul Burns please stand up

Yesterday I promised that today's post would be about the greatest threat to the Paul Burns campaign. Now you've had all night to think about it, and I can only imagine what guesses you've made. Is it bin Laden? Is it "Can you smell what Barack is cooking" Obama? Could it be fear, or apathy, or Sauron, or the fact that basically nobody has heard of Paul Burns's candidacy?

No, my friends, no. These are all grave threats (well, except Sauron, who was really just bitter over a bad case of pinkeye). But the one true threat is far subtler and more sinister.

Brand confusion.

A politician's success positively hinges on solid brand recognition. And what is a politician's brand? Why, his name, of course. A voter has to hear a name and immediately recognize the person behind it. Otherwise...very bad things can happen.

Paul Burns is drowning in a sea of me-too usurpers with the audacity to copycat his all-important trademark. Take a look at this rogues' gallery of nominal plagiarists:

Paul Burns the techie - Imagine the voter reaction if they learned their candidate was into something like technology. Understanding technology means you have logical analysis skills, and logical analysis skills mean that you must be, that's right, a nerd. Come, now. Do we really want a president who, midway through negotiations with Kim Jong-il, finds himself on the receiving end of an atomic wedgie?

(Don't worry, President Bush. I know you're horrified by the thought of negotiating with the leaders of rogue nations. It was just a joke. In real life, nobody would actually do such a thing.)

Paul Burns the soccer player - Soccer is just a long, tedious game in which almost no real points are scored, everything is decided by a dramatic play at the end, and yet the commentators sound fascinated the whole way through. Imagine if Americans associated that with politics.

(Oh, that's right, England. I called it soccer, not football. What are you going to do about it?)

Paul Burns the gardener - Sure, Americans care about the environment. But a candidate who's in the pocket of Big Green? That'll get weeded out by the roots at the first sign of frost.

I'm really bad at gardening metaphors.

Paul Burns the actor - Not that there's anything wrong with actors gettin' their Prez on, but his running-mate is an actress. Tickets are about balance. We're trying to run a country here, not peddle popcorn.

Paul Burns the photographer - As we all know, photographs steal your soul. And our Paul Burns has already gone on record against any sort of supernatural shenanigans.

Paul Burns the realtor - In this housing market? That's like taking an arsonist back to the ashes of his grandma's house and saying "Hey, you missed a spot, here's some napalm."

Paul Burns the doctor - America needs someone who can heal its divisions...metaphorically. Come on. Nobody goes in for that "I have actual useful skills" rhetoric anymore.

Don't be fooled by cheap imitation Paul Burnses! Demand genuine Burns! Set a precedent for President!

Because really, come on. More than one entity named Paul Burns? That would just be...confusing.

Be sure to tune in again tomorrow, when you'll learn something about John McCain that you won't find anywhere else.


Lore said...

You have my picture up at the top, but the post has nothing to do with me or my incredible, amazing awesomeness.

I call shenanigans.

Data said...

I call stfu.