Thursday, June 12, 2008

Euler now, liquor later

Who is the best candidate to be President this year? The answer, as you all well know, is Paul Burns. But it may be that you're curious about the choice between Barack Obama and John McCain - out of, let's say, idle curiosity. Well, folks, there's only one way to settle this: math.

Let's assign a variable to each candidate's relative worth: B for Barack Obama, J for John McCain. Now, we know that Obama stands for change in America, while McCain stands for a much lesser amount of change. So, to start with:

B = δA
J = µδA

A bad start for McCain. However, McCain has a whopping twenty-six years of experience in Congress, while Obama has just four:

B = δA + 4e
J = µδA + 26e

Now remember that Obama is for bigger government, while McCain is for smaller government (well, technically he's for government that expands at a rate not quite so staggeringly high, but let's not quibble). Thus:

B = δA + 4e + G
J = µδA + 26e + g

Finally, Obama's trademark appeal rests in his perceived ability to bring the two halves of this divided nation together into one. McCain, meanwhile, battles the image that he is old, out of touch, and something of a square; however, he is more popular among the followers of Christ, who is the Alpha and the Omega:

B = δA + 4e + G + ½ + ½
J = (µδA + 26e + g)² + α*Ω

All that remains now is to gauge the public's interest in each candidate relative to the next-best choice; that is, divide by the value of their nearest rival, Hillary Clinton:

B = (δA + 4e + G + ½ + ½) / H
J = [(µδA + 26e + g)² + α*Ω] / H

Uh-oh...what's this?!


Oh noes! From beyond the political grave, Hillary gets her revenge! Furious over the inscrutable arithmetic that cost her the nomination, she strikes back, dealing a devastating blow to the math of her competitors! Now we will never know who comes out on top!

Fortunately, there's only one equation you need to know for this election year, and that's the absolute, undeniable perfection of Paul Burns - the man, the myth, the legend:

P = ∞

There you have it; the numbers don't lie. Be sure to tune in again tomorrow, when we'll tell you the real reason that Obama's advisor resigned!

1 comment:

Leonhard Euler said...

My name is pronounced "OILer." The next person who says "YOOLer" gets to find out the limit of x as my fist approaches their face.