So it's not exactly a secret: the economy is sinking quicker than an anorexic blowfish. Of course, once Paul Burns takes office, all that will change; but until then, it's his duty as a concerned public official to mitigate this disaster as much as possible. With that in mind, Mr. Burns is proud to present these...
Savings Tips for Financially Conscious Families
Arranged in chronological order according to when I wrote them
1. Pay off your credit cards slowly. You may have heard other, less savvy financial advisors say things like "Pay off your credit cards quickly" and "Lower your debt." This is silly. The less money you spend on credit card bills, the more money you have to invest in stocks, and everyone knows it's all about the stocks. Buy low, sell high - and the market right now is low. Which reminds me...
2. Invest in technology companies. If history has taught us anything, it is that technology companies are always, without exception, a good investment. "But wait," you say, "how can I tell whether this company is a technology company?" Well, Hypothetical Reader, it's easy. Just type their name into Google. If any results come up, it means they have a Presence on the Web. Automatic buy! (Alternatively, you just stop by one of their offices. The more computers you see, the more money is going straight into your pocket. If you spot an employee with a Blackberry, it's time to sell a kidney.)
3. Don't replace your smoke detectors. A smoke alarm can cost you as much as thirty dollars, and the experts say you should replace yours every ten years. Well, sorry to spoil your fun, "experts," but over the course of your career, that could be over a hundred dollars! Hey, here's a tip: you don't get rich by throwing your dollars away. It's not like your house is going to burn down anyway.
4. Don't let your house burn down.
5. Join the Mafia. Ok, I want you to imagine how much money you spend on suits every year. Now imagine all that money going straight into your bank account instead, because in Cosa Nostra, the suits are on the house. Now imagine all the medical bills you would have paid late in life, which you'll never have to worry about, due to your untimely demise. It's a victimless crime! Well, okay - it's a crime.
6. Run for president. Because really, what could possibly go wrong?
With these tips, you should be well on your way to saving more money than your bank account can hold. At which point, you know what you have to do - find a bigger bank.
Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will unveil the most effective plan to combat terrorism ever!
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Posted by Brian Buckley at 6:04 AM