Paul Burns: The Official Biography

Paul Hamilton Burns II was born on July 4, 1981, in a log cabin deep in the windswept valley of Heartland, Virginia. The locals claim his birth was heralded by a nine-tailed comet that healed all cancer patients who gazed upon it, though of course this is merely a legend; the actual comet had just seven tails and cured only leprosy. Heartlanders celebrate his birthday each year with sparklers and fireworks, and go so far as to call it Independence Day.

His prodigal nature was apparent from his very earliest days. He took up the piano at age three; by age four, bored with his own virtuosity, he began a lifelong quest for an endeavor equal to his massive skills and intellect. He read the complete works of Plato, Nietzsche, Euler, Freud, Shakespeare, Byron, Newton, Asimov, and countless others, searching always for an idea he had not already thought of. Meanwhile he penned book after Pulitzer Prize-winning book, including such greats as The Impossibility of Explaining My Genius, Allusions You Won't Even Understand, and A Book of Poems: The Novel. By middle school, even literature had ceased to interest him.

In the middle of 8th grade he dropped out to pursue other interests. On a whim he took the ACT and scored a 37 by redefining the axioms of number theory. He received unsolicited letters of acceptance from Harvard, Yale, and MIT, which he diligently recycled out of respect for the environment. He began touring the globe; he inspected the Louvre, swam the Davis Strait, climbed Everest and K2 (in the same day), and personally circumnavigated Australia. But no matter how exotic the locale, Paul Burns himself was always the main attraction. In the end, the constant attention and adoration - well-deserved though it was - drove him into hiding, to pursue the betterment of mankind without interference.

After 42 days of fasting and meditation, he discovered the ultimate philosophy to life, which he calls Perfectism. Although this bears some resemblance to Buddhism, he was not influenced by the Buddha's teachings; rather, he arrived at his ideas completely independently, and explains "it turns out the Buddha managed to nail a few." He will unveil Perfectism when the world is ready. It might be a while.

His political experience is even more impressive. He is simultaneously the mayor of twenty-seven separate cities worldwide, which, according to most scholars, is "about a bajillion" times harder than being President. He can quote the Constitution verbatim in fifty-six languages; he is so racially diverse that all his different ancestries collectively cancel out to white; and he is the only person in history to have a personal opinion on every issue ever, all the way back to the debate over whether to split up Pangea (he was against).

Master of eighteen distinct forms of martial arts, holder of the world record for Most Honorary Degrees Ever, owner of a business empire which would make him the richest man on the planet if he didn't constantly funnel his assets into charity, Paul Burns is uniquely poised to bring change to Washington.

And modest, to boot. Vote Burns.