Kickin' it new-school

Terrorism is a scary thing. Which makes sense, I guess; as a general rule, you wouldn't expect the ideology formed by taking "terror" and adding "-ism" to be especially comforting. I'm sure I don't have to explain the discomfort of "painism," the annoyance of "deathism," or the sheer unpleasantness of "porcupineswallowingism." Still, I am sad to say that in today's complex world, etymological superiority is not enough. We need to actually stop them from blowing stuff up.

"But I thought we'd already solved that problem," you say. "With kittens."

Yes, kittens are indeed the answer to most, if not all, geopolitical problems. But the fact remains, some situations exist when the cuteness of kittens is simply not an effective deterrent of radical violence. Perhaps the terrorist is in a hurry, and does not have time to properly reflect upon the softness of his feline companion; perhaps he is blind (maybe because of previous failed experiments in terrorism) and cannot gaze on the cuddly creature. Regardless, in situations like these, we need an emergency weapon to slow down those unsightly insurgents.

If you're a parent, you probably already know what I'm getting at. Toddlers.

Yes, toddlers have long been a thorn in the side of radical hate groups, with their unpredictable walking patterns, indifference to shouted orders, and uncanny knack for picking up new languages. Their real strength, however, is in their numbers.

Every major population center in the United States must keep a large stockpile of toddlers in reserve, ready to unleash at a moment's notice. In the event of a terrorist attack, the Designated Official Leader of the Toddlers (DOLT) will ignite the Cookie-Signal, summoning literally dozens of the bumbling tykes toward the epicenter of the attack-in-progress.

Amid such a mass of munchkins, the effectiveness of a terrorist is drastically diminished. Their frenzied cries for jihad will be drowned out by choruses of whiny children; their running strides toward the exit will be impaired by the sea of tiny overalls, tripping them as they flail about among the jaunty juveniles. And what turban can survive the resultant onslaught of a thousand tiny, curious, semiautonomous fingers?

Yes, it would be a dark day indeed for the would-be attackers, as they find that their guns, bombs, and rocket launchers simply cannot destroy enough of the ubiquitous youths to make a significant difference. Such is the power of American ingenuity, the triumph of hard work and unshakable ethics over a mindset that understands nothing but death.

We'll show 'em. This November, think of the children. Vote Burns.

Oh, and be sure to tune in tomorrow, when running-mate Jessica Alba will give her own personal take on all the hubbub over the Democratic primaries.