Putting the "BS" back in "SDUNTBS"

Much is made these days of "protecting national security." Which brings up a troubling point: how exactly does one protect security? Doesn't security mean that the item in question is, well, secure? If security isn't protected, then there's nothing to protect! It's like trying to moisturize wetness.

I digress.

In the interests of, let's say, maintaining national security, the United States government has established a hierarchical structure of document security classification. We've got:

• Unclassified. A document classified as unclassified? Well played, Mr. Hoover. Anyway, this pretty much means that anyone can read it. Examples: Your Myspace page. Unfortunately.
• Confidential. Protected by basic security, but if confiscated, may be read aloud to the whole class. Examples: DO YOU LIKE ME? Y/N
• Secret. This is where, like, ok, no joke you seriously can't tell anyone, not even kidding. Examples: Omigosh Kyle's brother said Nikki is like totally hott!!
• Top Secret. It's like secret...but more. Examples: Oh that's very clever...wouldn't you like to know?

To keep the public safe, Paul Burns proposes a new level of classification: Super Double Ultimate No Take-Backs Secret, or SDUNTBS. SDUNTBS would cover Area 51, the Kennedy assassination, the plot of Robert Jordan's last book, the precise location of Dick Cheney's heart, the source code for Office 2007, and the actual meanings of everything Alan Greenspan has ever said.

And if you leak a SDUNTBS secret?

Oh, they'll find you...and it won't be pretty.

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will in fact reveal the meaning of Life Itself!