Like a felony, but worse

I've already mentioned the whimsically-titled I Can Has Cheezburger as a shocking purveyor of kitten exploitation - a website that sees fit to turn kittens into mere objects for our amusement, their native cuteness metamorphosed via captions into a grotesque spectacle of amoral "humor." LOLcats, they call this monstrosity, probably because DeliberatelyAbuseHelplessAnimals was already taken. Paul Burns has worked tirelessly to fight this outrage, and with your help, we can win the war on cat-captioning once and for all.

But a new horror has emerged, and Paul Burns has the unenviable task of relating to you, the voters, this fresh tale of woe. As you read of the shudder-inducing story below, let the chills that run down your spine serve as a permanent reminder that your vote can make a difference.

You see, the vile administrators of I Can Has Cheezburger (flanked, no doubt, by hellish administrative assistants) have crossed the line from simple feline malfeasance into the realm of the literary. That's right; these cybernetic oppressors have committed kitten plagiarism.

I'll let the facts speak for themselves.

FACT: On April 16, 2008, I posted the following:

"Squads of kittens...will overwhelm their targets with adorability, unleashing such a massive quantity of sweetness, cuddliness, and sheer gosh-darn-it cuteness that those engaged in violence will have no choice but to surrender. This strategy, dubbed "Shock and Awww," will be a massive undertaking..." [emphasis mine]

FACT: On May 29, 2008 - less than two months later - I Can Has Cheezburger posted the following:



FACT: These people are human trash.

They stole my joke! Did you see it? I was like "Hey, here is a nice joke, don't steal it pls, kthx," and they were all "OMG LET'S STEAL HIS JOEK!!!11" I mean what the heck? Did you see it? Did you see what happened there? Man, for real! What the crap?

Seriously.

Okay, maybe you're not quite as outraged as I am. It's conceivable, I suppose, that the alleged joke-stealing by a humor website from the campaign manager of a fictional candidacy hosted on another humor website...I guess, possibly, this is not something you feel genuine anger about. I can accept that. We can move on.

But honestly - kitten plagiarism? That's just sick. And I want you to know that Paul Burns will do everything in his power to make sure that kind of thing is stopped, once and for all.

Because, of course, I was definitely the first person to think of that joke ever.

Well, fine. Just make sure you tune in again on Monday. You don't want to miss our weekly Current Events Sonnet!

Check it out

We added a "supporters" section at the bottom of the sidebar.

So, check out our supporters! And, if you're a supporter whose website doesn't appear in our section...let us know! We will give you - and I am not exaggerating here - mad props.

Don't let the door hit you on your way out

Hi everybody, this is Jessica Alba speaking - as you probably know, I'm Paul Burns's running-mate in the 2008 U.S. presidential election. With so much going on in the world of politics right now, I want to take this opportunity to say a few words regarding our present situation. I'm not putting any words in Paul Burns's mouth here - this is all me. Because, for me, this has sort of gotten personal.

To my supporters and fans: thank you. Your encouragement means everything. To the undecided voters of America: think carefully. Resist the temptation to make a quick choice. Your decision in November will shake the foundations of the world. To my rivals, Senators John McCain and Barack Obama: congratulations on making it this far. You've both persevered through some very difficult odds.

And to Hillary Rodham Clinton:

I could drop you like a ton of bricks.

I don't just mean that I could beat you in a fight, although please be assured that if it came to that, if I had the pleasure of being forced into actual fisticuffs with you, the backside of your sweet little Easter-yellow pantsuit would have my footprint ingrained into its sleek exterior eight separate times before you hit the floor. No, what I'm asserting here is something a little more fundamental; I'm better than you. From one female vice-presidential-hopeful to another, I make this claim; I make it without reservation or doubt; today, this Thursday, June 5 of 2008, I, Jessica Marie Alba, hereby assert as a matter of public record that I am demonstrably superior to you in every measurable way.

Let's review.

I'm better than you at acting. Which is surprising, since I've only been acting since 1994, whereas you've had your entire life to fine-tune that funny little balancing game you play. Granted, I'm no Charlton Heston, but at least I make an effort. But you - that smarmy way you call "friend" the man you've consistently eviscerated at every opportunity for the past six months? It's like you're not even trying. Hillary, the first rule of drama is that you yourself have to believe in what you're saying. If not, how can your audience?

I'm better than you at logic. Yes, I play a character who purports to make herself invisible because of exposure to cosmic rays. You, however, by all appearances actually believe you should be awarded delegates from a contest in which your opponent's name wasn't even on the ballot; you honestly don't see the irony in claiming all obstacles to your ascension are rooted in sexism. Here, I'll spell it out for you. Deciding that men must hate you because you're a woman and not because of your complete inability to function as a human being? Yeah, that's sexist. Honey, I'm not expecting the Socratic Method from you, but space out your contradictions over more than one sentence - it's just good etiquette.

I'm better than you at math. After high school, I attended the Atlantic Theater Company; you went to Yale. So why is it me and not you who understands that if one person has 13,355,209 of something (votes, for example) and the other person only has 12,638,123 of that something, the second person isn't the one who has more? Oh, wait, maybe you're confused - you can't count votes from the states that you said don't matter. If you wanted every vote to count, maybe you should've thought of that before you started losing, hm?

I'm better than you at economics. I know exactly nothing about economics. What's the only thing worse than that? Knowing exactly nothing about economics, and then coming up with an economic plan that every single economist alive says is a bad idea. Bonus tip: try not to say things like "I'm not going to throw my lot in with economists." Dear? Sweetie? They're economists. It is their entire f***ing job. And when every single one of them tells you the exact same thing at the exact same time, and you still don't listen, it means you don't know what your own job actually is.

I'm better than you at handling my own finances. Probably connected to the "better at economics" thing. Sure, my campaign is flat broke. But twenty million dollars in debt? Nah, I'll leave that one for you. I've learned that much by now - no matter how low I set the bar, you still find a way to sliiiide on underneath.

I'm better than you at ethics. I refuse to appear nude in any of my films; this is something I decided a long time ago, and I've stuck to it ever since. And while it may not be much of a principle, it is, in fact, a principle. For future reference, a principle is when you do something because you feel it's right, even if it's not popular, and - here's the kicker - even if it doesn't benefit you personally. It's...sorry, I can tell you're distracted; we'll move on.

I'm better than you at judgment. Fighting on against impossible odds for a noble purpose makes you a hero. Insisting you're winning when you're too far behind even to catch up - I believe the term for that is "whiny little girl." Similarly, conceding once it's apparent you can no longer win - that would be gracefeul. Conceding when 90% of your advisors finally convince you that the big number is bigger than the small number? That means you passed remedial math. Congratulations, you're on to third grade; this means you can now, officially, stop being a whiny little girl.

And finally - and I think this is the one that must really sting - I'm better than you at politics. You thought you had it all figured out, didn't you? It was a simple formula; find out what the crowd wants to hear, and give it to them in the purest form you can muster. It doesn't even have to make sense; nobody will call you out on it but the media, and you can just say they're biased. And it was going pretty well. But then a remarkable thing happened - people started catching on to your bullshit. When you fed them that line about your gas tax holiday, people knew you were pandering. When you invented nonexistent issues to be outraged about, people booed you. How perplexing that must have been! "But I'm pandering," you thought. "Doesn't that always work?"

Well, apparently not. At this moment, my campaign actually, truly, no-joke for real has a higher chance than yours of making its candidate President of the United States. Because my candidate is the only one who is left actually running.

Oh, and one other thing. Guess what, bitch? I'm hotter, too.



(Sorry - didn't mean any of that to sound bitter. I'm not angry, really. I'm just, you know - disenfranchised. Funny how that works.)

Be sure to tune in again tomorrow, when Paul Burns is going to talk about kittens.

Kickin' it new-school

Terrorism is a scary thing. Which makes sense, I guess; as a general rule, you wouldn't expect the ideology formed by taking "terror" and adding "-ism" to be especially comforting. I'm sure I don't have to explain the discomfort of "painism," the annoyance of "deathism," or the sheer unpleasantness of "porcupineswallowingism." Still, I am sad to say that in today's complex world, etymological superiority is not enough. We need to actually stop them from blowing stuff up.

"But I thought we'd already solved that problem," you say. "With kittens."

Yes, kittens are indeed the answer to most, if not all, geopolitical problems. But the fact remains, some situations exist when the cuteness of kittens is simply not an effective deterrent of radical violence. Perhaps the terrorist is in a hurry, and does not have time to properly reflect upon the softness of his feline companion; perhaps he is blind (maybe because of previous failed experiments in terrorism) and cannot gaze on the cuddly creature. Regardless, in situations like these, we need an emergency weapon to slow down those unsightly insurgents.

If you're a parent, you probably already know what I'm getting at. Toddlers.

Yes, toddlers have long been a thorn in the side of radical hate groups, with their unpredictable walking patterns, indifference to shouted orders, and uncanny knack for picking up new languages. Their real strength, however, is in their numbers.

Every major population center in the United States must keep a large stockpile of toddlers in reserve, ready to unleash at a moment's notice. In the event of a terrorist attack, the Designated Official Leader of the Toddlers (DOLT) will ignite the Cookie-Signal, summoning literally dozens of the bumbling tykes toward the epicenter of the attack-in-progress.

Amid such a mass of munchkins, the effectiveness of a terrorist is drastically diminished. Their frenzied cries for jihad will be drowned out by choruses of whiny children; their running strides toward the exit will be impaired by the sea of tiny overalls, tripping them as they flail about among the jaunty juveniles. And what turban can survive the resultant onslaught of a thousand tiny, curious, semiautonomous fingers?

Yes, it would be a dark day indeed for the would-be attackers, as they find that their guns, bombs, and rocket launchers simply cannot destroy enough of the ubiquitous youths to make a significant difference. Such is the power of American ingenuity, the triumph of hard work and unshakable ethics over a mindset that understands nothing but death.

We'll show 'em. This November, think of the children. Vote Burns.

Oh, and be sure to tune in tomorrow, when running-mate Jessica Alba will give her own personal take on all the hubbub over the Democratic primaries.

Teh moneyz$

So it's not exactly a secret: the economy is sinking quicker than an anorexic blowfish. Of course, once Paul Burns takes office, all that will change; but until then, it's his duty as a concerned public official to mitigate this disaster as much as possible. With that in mind, Mr. Burns is proud to present these...

Savings Tips for Financially Conscious Families
Arranged in chronological order according to when I wrote them

1. Pay off your credit cards slowly. You may have heard other, less savvy financial advisors say things like "Pay off your credit cards quickly" and "Lower your debt." This is silly. The less money you spend on credit card bills, the more money you have to invest in stocks, and everyone knows it's all about the stocks. Buy low, sell high - and the market right now is low. Which reminds me...

2. Invest in technology companies. If history has taught us anything, it is that technology companies are always, without exception, a good investment. "But wait," you say, "how can I tell whether this company is a technology company?" Well, Hypothetical Reader, it's easy. Just type their name into Google. If any results come up, it means they have a Presence on the Web. Automatic buy! (Alternatively, you just stop by one of their offices. The more computers you see, the more money is going straight into your pocket. If you spot an employee with a Blackberry, it's time to sell a kidney.)

3. Don't replace your smoke detectors. A smoke alarm can cost you as much as thirty dollars, and the experts say you should replace yours every ten years. Well, sorry to spoil your fun, "experts," but over the course of your career, that could be over a hundred dollars! Hey, here's a tip: you don't get rich by throwing your dollars away. It's not like your house is going to burn down anyway.

4. Don't let your house burn down.

5. Join the Mafia. Ok, I want you to imagine how much money you spend on suits every year. Now imagine all that money going straight into your bank account instead, because in Cosa Nostra, the suits are on the house. Now imagine all the medical bills you would have paid late in life, which you'll never have to worry about, due to your untimely demise. It's a victimless crime! Well, okay - it's a crime.

6. Run for president. Because really, what could possibly go wrong?

With these tips, you should be well on your way to saving more money than your bank account can hold. At which point, you know what you have to do - find a bigger bank.

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will unveil the most effective plan to combat terrorism ever!

Rearing its ugly head

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I wonder if that's true for crimes against literature?

On an unrelated note, I am please to present...

Current Events Sonnet #6 in D Minor

A mob boss gave himself up to the feds
While someone else who knew good suits has died
New York is cool with anyone who weds
Whether or not the pair is "groom" and "bride"
Australia pulls some troops out of Iraq
And science, now, can make the bleeding stop
The first storm of the season's on its track
A new ace speller rockets to the top.
The LDSer's finally get to leave
The Martian lander gets an early taste
Real fire burns in Land of Make-Believe
"Sex and the City" isn't toxic waste.
Now Clinton's pleased with how the voting went;
You'd almost think that she was relevant.

Whew! That's over with. Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when we'll offer helpful money-saving tips for the financially conscious!

Stop what you're doing, and read this now

Yesterday I said we'd have "practical money tips for families looking to save." That was a lie. Today you're reading this instead. No, it's not related to the Burns campaign at all. Don't care. Read this. I promise it's better than whatever I would have written.


The Last Hero
G. K. Chesterton

The wind blew out from Bergen, from the dawning to the day
There was a wreck of trees, a fall of towers, a score of miles away
And drifted like a livid leaf I go before the tide
Spewed out of house and stable, beggared of flag and bride
The heavens are bowed about my head, raging like seraph wars
With rains that might put out the sun, and rid the sky of stars
Rains like the fall of ruined seas from secret worlds above
The roaring of the rains of God, none but the lonely love
Feast in my halls, O Foemen! O eat and drink and drain!
You never loved the sun in heaven, as I have loved the rain!

The tide of battle changes, so may all battle be
I stole my lady bride from them; they stole her back from me
As I wrenched her from her red roofed halls, I rose and saw arise
More lovely than the living flowers, the hatred in her eyes
She never loved me, never wept, never was less divine
And sunset never knew us, her world was never mine
Was it all for nothing that she stood, imperial in duresse
Silence itself made softer with the sweeping of her dress
O you who drain the cup of life! O You who wear the crown!
You never loved a woman's smile as I have loved her frown!

The wind blew out from Bergen to the dawning of the day
They ride and race with fifty spears to break and bar my way
I shall not die alone, alone, but kin to all the powers
As merry as the ancient sun, and fighting like the flowers!
How white their steel! How bright their eyes! I love each laughing knave
Cry high and bid him welcome to the banquet of the brave
Yea, I will bless them as they bend, and love them where they lie
When upon their skulls the sword I swing falls shattering from the sky
That hour when death is like a light, and blood is as a rose -
You never loved your friends, my friends, as I will love my foes!

Know you what you shall lose this night, what rich uncounted loans
What heavy gold of tales untold you bury with my bones
My loves in deep dim meadows, my ships that rode at ease
Ruffling the purple plumage of strange and secret seas
To see this fair earth as it stands, to me alone was given
The blow that breaks my brow tonight shall break the dome of heaven
The skies I saw, the trees I saw, after, no eye shall see
Tonight I die the death of God - the stars shall die with me!
One sound shall sunder all the spears, and break the trumpet's breath -
You never laughed in all your life, as I shall laugh in death!


We now return to our regularly scheduled Burns campaign. Be sure to tune in on Monday, when (as always) we'll have our weekly Current Events sonnet!

Try these exciting alternatives

It seems a lot of people are opposed to the death penalty, which, for a presidential candidate, is sort of disappointing. It's like becoming the King of NASCAR and then finding out nobody likes racing. Still, democracy is about nothing if not appeasement, so, in no particular order, here are the Future Burns Administration's top alternatives to the death penalty for convicted felons:

Send them to Mars.

Okay, with current technology, they have maybe a 50% chance of getting there. For an astronaut, not so great. For a Death Row inmate? Why the heck not? Advantages to this plan: renewed public interest in astronomy. Disadvantages: felon may fly shuttle back to Earth, wreak havoc, fire missiles. Note to self: do not include missiles on shuttle.

Make them attend first-time novelists' book signings.

You wrote a book? Yeah, that's precious. But hey, there's no reason we can't still stroke your ego! Think of the joy in that new writer's heart when he sees a big long line of people, some of them literate, waiting to have their books autographed. Also, listening to the author talk about their inspirations is a pretty good replacement punishment for lethal injection. Everyone wins! Except the authors, who will almost certainly be killed.

Put them on Survivor.

See, it's called "Survivor," but in this case it literally means...what? Oh, you got the joke already. Well, fine then. Moving on.

Have them run for president.

They can't be much worse than the current batch. Present company excluded, of course.

Make them test amusement park rides.

Think about it...they just built this great new machine, where they lift you up five hundred feet and drop you straight down, and then at the last second, you're caught by a piece of rubber as big around as a golf ball. Nobody's ever tried it before. So...who's first in line?

Hey, how about the guy with half a family in his meat locker?

Give them political blogs.

Oh snap.

Use them as motivational speakers.

Typically motivational speakers are people who have overcome great adversity. They get lots of applause, but deep down, we all know that's sort of depressing, because we ourselves will never, never do anything even remotely as inspiring. Wow, you had brain, lung and pelvis cancer, and still won three gold medals? That's cool, I forgot to take out the trash today, but I think next week it's going to happen for sure.

Now, if we had Death Row inmates up there, it's a heck of a lot better. 'Cause I mean, maybe my life is and will always be a series of predictable, mediocre, ultimately meaningless achievements, but you know what? I didn't garrote anybody.

Put them in big plastic brightly-colored bubbles and set them adrift on the ocean.

I don't know. I thought it might be kind of fun?

Present them as an achievement award for World of Warcraft players.

Once you have him, you can use him for mining...gold farming...dungeon grinding...the possibilities are limitless. Just don't be giving him your password. You know how those murderers can be!

Use them as roundhouse-kick-to-the-face practice for our new Secretary of Homeland Security.

Oh wait, that is the death penalty.

Any other ideas? Post them in the comments! And be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will offer practical money tips for families looking to save!

My blog...it's full of stars!

Say what you will about leadership, wisdom, charisma, and character, you just aren't truly great unless you get something named after you. Preferably something big and important, and hopefully more than one something. Abraham Lincoln has a city; George Washington has a state; Christopher Columbus has a country; Amerigo Vespucci has two continents. All these pale, of course, in comparison to Princess Andromeda, who somehow managed to snag an entire galaxy.

Well, it should be pretty self-evident that Paul Burns is a greater human being than any of these people; and so it is with great pride that I announce today that the Multiverse has officially been renamed "Paul Burns."

The Multiverse is, of course, the set of every universe in existence, comprising the totality of all matter, antimatter, and energy, every dimension, all numbers real and imaginary, all planes of being, every quantum fluctuation, every aspect of space and time, every entity rational and otherwise, and, basically, everything that has or will ever exist or could ever exist in any way, without any exception whatsoever.

This is a very exciting step for the Burns campaign, and of course we want nothing else than to bask for a month in the light of its wonderful, wonderful glory. However, the sad truth is that even for an act as straightforward and sensible as naming the entirety of existence after a U.S. presidential candidate, there are naysayers. Below, we debunk a few of their arguments.

This is completely stupid.

Nope.

Paul Burns doesn't deserve this.

Oh really? May I remind you that Hudson got a bay named after him, and he wasn't even from around there. When it comes to the Multiverse, Paul Burns is a native!

The entirety of existence shouldn't be named after a person.

Oh really? And what should we name it after? A word?

It'll be confusing. When we say "Paul Burns," how will we know whether we're talking about the presidential candidate, or the sum total of all conceivable realities?

You have to base it on context. For example: "Paul Burns has my vote for president in 2008." Clearly this refers to the human being. Sets of universes are not eligible for the presidency. "Paul Burns contains all matter that has ever existed, or could ever exist." This probably refers to the Multiverse, which also has the property mentioned. "Paul Burns is super awesome!" Here we have some ambiguity. You might respond with something like, "I agree, but out of curiosity, are we talking about the presidential candidate, or the indescribable conglomeration of an infinite number of infinities?"

How can you name something after something else that's already inside it?

Now you know.

If this is what we're calling the Multiverse now, then forget it. I'm leaving.

Oh? And where would you go? To some elaborately constructed hypothetical location carefully designed to lie outside of our arbitrarily defined framework for the Multiverse? Well, too bad for you that any such construction would by mere virtue of its hypothetical nature lie inside the confines of the Multiverse based solely on the inherent vagueness of its aforementioned, broadly inclusive definition! Ha! Ha ha! Ah, hahahahahahahahaha!!!

Ahem.

Be sure to tune in again tomorrow, when we'll discuss alternatives to the death penalty!

Calling this "poetry" borders on false advertising

And we're back, once again, to abuse you in our usual fashion:

Current Events Sonnet #5 in D Minor

We had a day for soldiers Heaven tends
Now Clinton wishes someone else would die
Our missile plan has won no Russian friends
In South America, the hopes are high.
Tornadoes caused some damage this past week,
And famed director Pollack's also died,
But not all of the latest news is bleak;
Our very own J. Alba is a bride!
Now Burma's letting more aid workers in
As Indy hopes the fourth time is a charm
The Phoenix lander's made of epic win
We watched a giant star that bought the farm.
To those who say there's nothing on TV,
Nintendo says, "Hey, don't forget the Wii!"

If, after reading our latest sonnet, you're masochistic enough to want still more blog content...then be sure to tune in again tomorrow, when the Burns campaign will start talking BIG!

This post can probably be considered "non-canon"

Big news! Jessica Alba, the running-mate of U.S. presidential candidate Paul Burns, has married movie producer Cash Warren! We at the Burns Campaign congratulate her and wish her the very best of luck in her new life.

No word yet on whether Alba's famous "no-nudity" policy will apply to her marriage as well as her movies. If so, she will likely spend her honeymoon inventively posed so as to narrowly avoid an R rating. No word yet, either, on where the honeymoon will actually take place.

In fact, practically no details at all have been revealed about the wedding, which was a small and extremely private event. What's more, the new husband himself is shrouded in secrecy; as of this writing, typing his name into Wikipedia merely redirects to Alba's page, and even the Hollywood gossip pages seem to know little about him.

So why all the hush-hush?

As with most things that happen in this country, it's part of an elaborate Machiavellian conspiracy orchestrated by Paul Burns. You see, Mr. Warren is no ordinary Hollywood pretty-boy. He is the ultimate secret weapon in this election.

Dear readers, I will let you in on a little secret. Jessica Alba's husband...is the living reincarnation of Ronald Reagan.

Sound crazy? Naturally. But Cash Warren - whose name is an anagram for "We Can Has R.R.?" - is a Hollywood producer, and who better than a producer to channel the spirit of an actor? Who better than "Cash" to hold the soul of a president known for his tax breaks? And above all, who better than a complete unknown to be the vessel for the Greatest American Ever?

With Reagan as, quite literally, a "spiritual advisor" to Paul Burns - a sort of "Teflon Obi-Wan," if you will - this candidacy is now unstoppable. Reagan's easygoing, conservative attitude will balance out Burns's more radical ideas. Throw Jessica Alba into the mix, and you have the Trifecta, the invincible combination of past, present and pseudoscientific future that will obliterate all who oppose and usher in a new Golden Age of America.

Yes, yes; it makes beautiful sense now. Come a little closer, drink the Kool-Aid. It'll all be done soon.

I, um...yeah. Anyway, enjoy your Memorial Day, and be sure to tune in again Tuesday, when we'll have our weekly Current Events Sonnet!

Does this man look smart to you?

It's a pretty well-known phenomenon that in politics, no one is ever required to answer an actual question.

Now, there are a lot of reasons you might not want to answer a question. Maybe the answer is politically damaging. Maybe you're stalling for time. Maybe you simply don't know. Of course, none of those reasons could ever apply to Paul Burns, who - in addition to being omniscient - has a political platform which literally exists in a state of quantum flux. Still, for lesser men, the temptation to avoid questions is real.

And the technique is amazingly simple. If someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, just say some words that are related to whatever the subject happens to be. If they ask it again, do it again. If they call you out on it, merely claim that you did answer the question, and you can't see why they don't understand that. Time is limited; eventually they'll move on.

Except sometimes they don't.

What follows is a transcript of an actual exchange between host Chris Matthews and guest Kevin James, from the May 15 episode of the political talk show Hardball. Chris asks a question; Kevin avoids it; and over the course of three consecutive minutes, Chris repeats the exact same question a total of twenty-seven times. Ladies and gentlemen, this is no mere willful ignorance. What we are witnessing here is a mental emptiness that borders on Zen-like.

(Transcript taken from here; there's also a video.)

---

MATTHEWS: I want to do a little history check on you because the president‘s referring to history. He attacked those who would imitate Senator William Boar of Idaho, who was a Republican isolationist back in the late '30s, who supported whatever, some notion of getting along with Hitler better. Let me ask you, what did Chamberlain do wrong, Neville Chamberlain do wrong in 1939? What did he do wrong?

JAMES: Oh, come on. It all goes — it all goes back to appeasement.

(CROSSTALK)

MATTHEWS: No, what did he do? Tell me what he did.

JAMES: It‘s the key term. It‘s the key term.

MATTHEWS: You have to answer this question. What did he do?

(CROSSTALK)

JAMES: It‘s the same thing. It puts it all — we're talking about appeasement.

MATTHEWS: Well, tell me what he did. What did Chamberlain do wrong?

JAMES: His actions — his actions enabled...

MATTHEWS: What did Chamberlain do?

JAMES: ...energized, legitimated. It‘s the exact same — it‘s the exactly same thing.

(CROSSTALK)

MATTHEWS: I‘m not going to continue with this interview unless you answer what that thing is. What did Chamberlain do in '39? Tell me, in '38. What did he do? What did he do?

(CROSSTALK)

JAMES: Well, '38, '39, Chris. What year do you want? It doesn‘t...

MATTHEWS: What did he do?

JAMES: It doesn't — it's the exact same thing that happened, Chris.

(CROSSTALK)

MATTHEWS: What did Chamberlain...

(CROSSTALK)

JAMES: He‘s talking — he's talking — he's talking about appeasement.

MATTHEWS: What did Chamberlain do?

GREEN: Chris...

MATTHEWS: Just tell me what he did, Kevin. What did Chamberlain do you didn't like?

JAMES: Look...

MATTHEWS: What did he do?

JAMES: What Chamberlain did — what Chamberlain did that I — what the president was talking about? You just said the president was talking about — you just said the president was talking about Barack. Look...

(CROSSTALK)

MATTHEWS: No, no. I want you to tell me, Mister. You‘re making a reference to the days before our involvement in World War II, when the war in Europe began. I want you to tell me now, as an expert, what did Chamberlain do wrong?

(CROSSTALK)

JAMES: Look, you're not going to box me in here, Chris. President Bush was making that. I‘m glad — I'm glad the president...

(CROSSTALK)

MATTHEWS: You don‘t know, do you? You don‘t know what Neville Chamberlain did in Munich, do you?

JAMES: Of course. What Neville Chamberlain — yes, he was an appeaser, Chris. He was an appeaser.

MATTHEWS: What did he do?

JAMES: And it energized and it legitimatized...

(CROSSTALK)

MATTHEWS: Kevin, Kevin James, Kevin James, what did Neville Chamberlain do?

GREEN: Chris, may I try to answer?

MATTHEWS: He doesn't know. You are B.S.ing me.

(CROSSTALK)

MATTHEWS: You are talking about a critical point in American history, in European history, and you can‘t tell me what Neville Chamberlain did in Munich. What did he do in '39, '38?

JAMES: Chris, Chris, Chris, I wasn't the one that raised the Hitler comment. My point is—my point is, what President Bush has done is, he has taken this shot across the bow, all right?

(CROSSTALK)

MATTHEWS: You don‘t know what you‘re talking about, Kevin.

(CROSSTALK)

MATTHEWS: You don‘t know what you‘re talking about.

JAMES: ... know what I‘m talking about.

MATTHEWS: Tell me what Chamberlain did wrong.

JAMES: Neville Chamberlain was an appeaser, Chris. Neville Chamberlain...

MATTHEWS: What did he do?

JAMES: Neville Chamberlain was an appeaser, all right?

MATTHEWS: What did he do?

JAMES: Neville Chamberlain, his — but his policies, the things that Neville Chamberlain supported, all right energized, legitimized...

MATTHEWS: Just tell me what he did.

JAMES: ... energized, legitimized, and made it easier for Hitler to advance in the ways that he advanced.

MATTHEWS: What...

(CROSSTALK)

MATTHEWS: I have been sitting here five minutes asking you to say what the president was referring to in 1938 at Munich.

JAMES: I don‘t know what the — Chris.

MATTHEWS: You don‘t know. Thank you.

---

It's hideous...but I can't look away.

Anyway, be sure to tune in tomorrow, when we will make an exciting announcement!

Crazy people are crazy

Perhaps you do not like either of the two remaining candidates. Perhaps you believe John McCain is a shortsighted, two-timing, economically-challenged, kitten-killing old warmonger, and Barack Obama is a dope-smoking, unpatriotic, un-Christian, puppy-killing shell of a human being. Boy, that's depressing, isn't it? I mean, you want to vote, but these are your only options? How lame is that?

"But wait!" you say. "There are more than two candidates for president! Why, I think I'll vote for a third-party candidate! These long-shot underdogs have the kind of character and principles we need to start a real dialogue for change!"

Ah, yes, the noble third-party candidate. Surely their quixotic quest for the White House will inspire us with the American dream. Let's look at some of these precious electoral gems, shall we?

Chuck Baldwin of the Constitution Party - Chuck is a radio talk show host, which is a pretty impressive start already. Mentored by Jerry Falwell? Even better! But what are his positions on the issues? Hard to say for sure, since his website doesn't actually mention them, but perhaps the website for the Constitution Party can answer our question...

Ah, here we go. The Constitution Party asks that "no further funds be appropriated for any kind of foreign aid program." Well, that makes sense - after all, Baldwin is a conservative Christian, and it was Jesus who said, "You know those desperately, unbelievably poor people in other countries? Don't help them at all."

But I'm sure Mr. Baldwin has a good reason for not giving any sort of relief to the literally millions of Burmese who are starving to death under the heel of an oppressive military regime. Let's see what it is...ah, yes:

"There is no constitutional basis for foreign aid."

Hm...it's a valid point, but it does come across as sort of stupid, and inaccurate. Maybe we could help them out by revising a bit?

"Although foreign aid represents the most basic form of human decency, there is no constitutional basis for it, except for in Article I, Section 8 of the U.S. Constitution."

Much better!

Bob Barr of the Libertarian Party - Okay, so Bob Barr isn't the official nominee just yet. But he is a Libertarian, and Libertarians want to keep the government out of people's lives.

So it makes sense that he wrote the Defense of Marriage Act, tried to get the Pentagon to bar Wiccans from the military, and pushed to outlaw the horrors of medicinal marijuana.

Look - it's complicated.

Gene Amondson of the Prohibition Party - Now this is a candidate who has thought things through.

Position on alcohol? Alcohol should be banned.

Position on education? Alcohol should be banned.

Position on civil rights? Alcohol should be banned.

Position on the Iraq War? Alcohol should be banned.

Position on negotiating with rogue nations? This is a complex and multifacted issue that must be approached on a case-by-case basis, resisting the temptation to let empty rhetoric sway our views. Also, alcohol should be banned.

In conclusion: The only constitutional amendment to actually be overturned by another constitutional amendment? Yeah. We want it back.

Brian Moore of the Socialist Party USA - If you're having trouble finding his website...just google "Brian Moore." It'll be the second result that comes up. Right after Brian Moore Guitars.

If you're having trouble believing that a $15/hour minimum wage, a 30-hour work week, and the abolishment of the CIA would solve our nation's problems...well, that's tougher.

John Taylor Bowles of the National Socialist Order of America - Yes, we have an actual Nazi running for President in 2008. No, I am not kidding.


In conclusion: what kind of president would you like to have in 2008? If you answered, "I'd like a president who has positions on more than one issue, lists these positions on his actual website, doesn't want to dismantle the CIA, doesn't change his positions every five years, and isn't a Nazi," then vote Burns!

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when we'll take a look at someone in politics who isn't crazy. Just horribly, horribly stupid.

Are sonnets covered under the Geneva Convention?

That's right; much like Hillary Clinton herself, we just won't f***ing stop.

Current Events Sonnet #4 in D Minor

So Clinton got the West Virginia win,
Obama got John Edwards and his crew,
McCain's keen eyes have seen past 2010,
Meanwhile the war goes on; what else is new?
In China, millions weep for thousands dead
In Burma, no surprise, things still are rough
And in South Africa, still more have bled.
Bin Laden thinks we haven't killed enough.
Our president was in the Middle East
Bestowing peace and liberty for free
Our senator is not quite yet deceased
He's shaken but unstirred, just like the Wii.
In California, things are getting gay;
At least one Trekkie knows that that's okay.

Well, that's enough for one post. Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will explain why third-party candidates (aside from himself, of course) never get any votes!

Experiencing technical difficulties

...please check back tomorrow. Don't worry, we promise everyone a full refund!

In the meantime, have a chuckle.

The source of his power...revealed!

...but is this an illegal alien?

Be sure to tune in Monday, when Paul Burns will deliver his weekly Current Events Sonnet!

A word from the veep

Hi everyone! It's me, Jessica Alba, Paul Burns's running-mate in the 2008 US presidential election. I thought I'd do a post to talk a little about who I am and what I bring to the campaign, and let you, the voters, get to know me better. So, let's do it! W00t!

(I don't know what that means. They said a lot of nerds read this blog or something. That's cool! Nerds are people too! Also, candy!)



Anyway, the main point I want to address is that I feel like a lot of people don't take me seriously as a politician. They objectify me - you know? Now, it's somewhat understandable, since of course I am, how can I say this, hotter than the sun. But people, come on! I am an intelligent person, with thoughts and feelings of my own - not just some picture for you to click on!



That's what this post is all about - getting you to see me as a human being, not an image.

Now of course, some might say to me: "Jessica, you have no political experience at all! What makes you think you're qualified for a job where you may be called upon to run a country?" Great question, hypothetical voter! Let me give you my answer.



You see, as an actress, I have had to get deeply in tune with human nature. I understand how people think - how they speak - how they behave. I can pick up on subtle visual cues from world leaders that an untrained eye might miss. I can deliver uplifting, inspiring speeches. And there's more.



My role in Sin City has prepared me to deal with crime. In Fantastic Four, I learned important techniques for national defense, and also how to make myself physically invisible. In Good Luck Chuck, I learned...well, okay, I didn't learn anything in Good Luck Chuck.



But look - actresses make good presidents! Ronald Reagan was an actor, and he was the Greatest American Of All Time, Ever (no, I'm not kidding). And he was old! I'm young, and I'm very excited about serving my country.



Remember: I'm a person, not a picture! Vote Burns!






P.S. Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will talk about some kind of...political...stuff. Or something. Look, whatever, just make sure you read it okay?

Beating inflation, metaphorically

A lot of people these days are asking Paul Burns this question: "What would you, as President, do about inflation?" And a lot of other people are saying: "How could you, as President, do anything about inflation, since by your own admission you know nothing about economics?"

I answer both of these questions with a resounding yes.

You see, inflation is all about money. (Not so dumb after all, eh, "experts?") The more money you have, the more inflated you are. This is why rich people tend to be fatter. Contrapositively, the less inflation you have, the less money there is; ipso facto, the answer to the inflation problem is getting rid of money.

How precisely does one get rid of money, without actually spending it?

Well, the Federal "Burn Your Dollar Bills in a Big Heap" Initiative has thus far not met with much success; nor has the Federal "Are You Allergic to Pictures of Benjamin Franklin? Why Risk It" Campaign. Certainly getting rid of the penny would help, but that is a one-time thing, and we can't just keep getting rid of coins forever.

Of course, there is only one logical solution.

That's right: we need slipperier money.

See, when someone accidentally drops a coin - or a dollar bill - and it goes down a drain or a dog eats it or a hobo burns it for fuel or whatever, that money is lost to society. But people don't drop them that often! Paper bills are, well, paper, and coins have those abominable ridges around the edge. What we need is a coating - a lubricant, if you will - to make coin-dropping a more frequent occurrence. Joe Schmo drops his quarter trying to get a soda, money supply decreases, inflation goes down, bam! Everybody wins.

But wait, you say. Won't slippery money make people really, really mad? Won't that be a really unpopular idea?

Oh, right, of course. I forgot. Because you can't do that in politics.

Be sure to tune in again tomorrow, when Paul Burns's running-mate Jessica Alba will make a special guest post!

The good (?) life

When you're running for president, you live in a different world than the little people. That's hard for some folks to understand, but it's true. People come up to you on the street and say things like, "Hey! Here is a hundred dollars," or "Thank you for saving my son's life; how can I ever repay you?" These are just examples, of course; they may or may not have actually happened. Probably. You don't know.

But it isn't all free money and non sequitur praise; the electorate, selfish peons that they are, make demands. They want things.

Listen. What do you think, that the government exists to serve the people? Seriously.

Anyway, the biggest request, repeated over and over like some sort of hypothetical fractured musical disc...object, is: "Will you be the commencement speaker for our school's graduation?"

And the answer is, yes, because you only graduate once. Unless you go to college. But there are rules.

First, Paul Burns decides when your graduation date is. Not you. Do you think he has time to fit his schedule into your schedule? Um, he's campaigning to be President. Of the United States. What are you doing? Teaching? Yeah, good luck with that.

Second, it will not be cheap. However, because Mr. Burns recognizes that not all universities are as affluent as they would be had they pursued other, more meaningful endeavors, he has kindly provided the following price gradient so that each client can find a solution for his/her/its budget:

$10,000 - Distinctly uninspiring
$20,000 - Moderately uninspiring
$31,415.92 - Inspiration. But they'll have to work for it.
$50,000 - A speech that comes so near to inspiration, so heartbreakingly close, that when your students realize that what they thought were their dreams are in fact the deluded imaginings of a futureless, prospectless, deeply indebted soul, it will be much, much worse than had he not spoken at all.
$51,000 - Sublime

Third rule of grad speech: you do not talk about grad speech.

Ha ha! Fight Club reference, everyone.

But seriously, you can't tell anyone about the speech at all. Because that would be plagiarism. And the punishments for plagiarism can be quite...inventive.

Or at least, they will be.

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will tackle inflation metaphorically.

Yes, we are still making these

And you thought the first two Current Events Sonnets were bad!

Current Events Sonnet #3 in D Minor

Obama rules in superdelegates
Now that the Carolina stats are in;
McCain is glad to match his rival's wits.
It's cute that Clinton still thinks she can win.
There's no good news for Burma's struggling poor
Beirut is likewise fighting for its life
On Mother's Day, maternal spirits soar
The daughter of our Chief becomes a wife.
Anonymous continues kicking butt
As James says sayonara to the cult;
The Racer is in something of a rut -
The Ferrous Wonder gets another jolt.
Each drop of gas gets harder to replace...
A pelican hits someone in the face.

...and that's a wrap (till next week, at least).

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will discuss his policy on giving graduation speeches!