Burns for America

...and, we're done.

2008-06-30T00:39:00.002-04:00

This will be the last post of Burns For America.

It's been fun, but in the end, this thing is simply taking up too much of my time and not giving me enough in return. My readership has never been particularly high, and I find I'm no longer enjoying it. There just isn't much of a reason to continue. Hasn't been for a while now, actually, but I'm stubborn like that.

Hope you laughed. And don't forget, come November...you can write in anybody you want!

Exactly as advertised

2008-06-30T00:32:00.001-04:00

Go ahead, try it...it's good for you.

Current Events Sonnet #10 in D Minor

Mugabe "won" the vote his usual way
Zimbabwe's guns still trigger on his whims
He is no more a knight for the U.K.
I don't think anyone feels bad for him.
The North Koreans give us their report
And blow a tower up as well, for fun
In China, tempers high and patience short
The Bill of Rights says you can have a gun.
Bill Gates retires, and cries a little bit
George Carlin's done as well, and also dead
Jolie performs, and Wall-E is a hit
Israel gives prisoner swap the go-ahead.
The Spanish score a giant soccer win;
And in Dubai, they merely want to spin.

Change you can believe in, and probably make fun of

2008-06-27T00:07:00.003-04:00

Great news, loyal readers! We have managed to contact the Obama campaign, and his people finally agreed to show him the Burns For America website. This is a milestone in our campaign! At last, the current frontrunner for President of the United States will hear our voice, read about our cause, understand our passion. And when he does, he will have no choice but to acknowledge our great justice, drop out of the race, and endorse the Paul Burns.

What's this?

Breaking update: I am being told that Barack Obama has just given us his official response to the Burns Campaign! He has had a chance to review our material and has made his statement!

Let's see what he says!

Well, it's a start. Be sure to tune in Monday, when we will once again attempt to pass off a Current Events Sonnet as actual content!

It's all about the "the"

2008-06-26T21:53:00.002-04:00

Quick question: what do the Ohio State University, Donald Trump, and Ukraine have in common?

Answer: they all understand the power of the definite article.

Donald Trump is one of the most successful businessmen in the world. They call him "the Donald."

OSU is the biggest university in the United States, and any Buckeye will tell you it's "the Ohio State University."

Ukraine used to be the Ukraine, back when it was part of a world superpower. But that superpower status is gone now...and so is the "the."

What can we learn from all this?

Simple. If you're going to get anything done these days, you need a little help from the English language to make it happen.

Henceforth, Paul Burns will be referred to as The Paul Burns.

This will remain in effect until it starts to get annoying. I estimate approximately six hours.

Be sure to tune in again tomorrow, when we'll have, like, a funny picture of Obama or something.

New post will be up later today

2008-06-26T05:53:00.001-04:00

In the meantime, this is pretty awesome.

The usual warnings apply

2008-06-25T05:52:00.002-04:00

So I guess this is my fault; I probably should've explained this better to begin with. Well, I didn't, so I'll do it now:

DISCLAIMER - YOU ARE NOT AS COOL AS PAUL BURNS. Just because he does something successfully DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN TOO.

I am serious here! I've gotten reports that folks are doing things like:

Slapping other folks with fish. Come on - that's only a job for the Presidential Fish Slapper.

Figuring out the meaning of life. People! This has already been discovered! Paul Burns was all over it like white on West Virginia.

Fighting evil. Okay, for reals on this one. Y'all need to understand. The evil? It isn't safe. And if you don't leave the evil-handling to the professionals, you might get hurt. It's, like, what they do.

Fine, you say, but isn't Paul Burns a role model? Shouldn't I do my best to imitate him? If I can't fight evil, ponder philosophy, or carp-clobber somebody, what can I do?

We've got you covered:

List of things Paul Burns does that it is okay to imitate
Eating
Sleeping
Rocking out
Having your own blog
Being awesome
Running for President (but not this year)
Playing Wii
Being kind to animals
Kicking it old school
Chilling with Jessica Alba
Um I guess pointing at signs is probably okay too

If you want to do something and it's not on this list...you should clear it with us first.

This has been a public service announcement. For a blog post that's less obviously patronizing, be sure to tune in tomorrow! There will definitely be an article.

How's the party, Captain Picard?

2008-06-24T05:53:00.000-04:00

Well, folks, this is a big moment. They said it couldn't be done. They said it was impossible. They said we would kill ourselves trying. But in spite of the naysayers, the flimflammers, and the joykillers, we find ourselves nevertheless on the cusp of revolution. For we have achieved the unthinkable. We have achieved...

...100 posts on the Burns For America blog!

What? That's completely unremarkable, you say? It's a poor sort of blog that doesn't reach 100 posts, you say? Yeah, well you know what? Forget you. We don't need you. We -

Okay, come back. We need you. We need you.

Because if you leave, who will remain to read our...

100th Post Retrospective (on the Previous 99 Posts) (Which Fine Okay is not That Many but Whatever)

Ah, it was a humble beginning, wasn't it? A simple man with a modest plan: team up with Jessica Alba to become President of the United States. And the early days were orthodox enough. Support your constituents; pick up a few endorsements; coin a catchy slogan.

But it quickly became clear that this would be no ordinary campaign.

Paul Burns had an uncompromising vision. What other candidate has announced plans for sprucing up the Solar System, nuking our nocturnal adversary, or getting a Wii for each and every living American citizen? Who else would dare subvert both the First and Eighth Amendments? And who but him would ever conceive of using kittens to achieve world peace?

Paul Burns was a man of pristine moral character. He wasn't just against the death penalty - he had creative alternatives! He wasn't just a man of God - he pondered assuming godhood! He didn't just take a firm stance on ethical issues - he took every stance! And he was always willing to take responsibility for his actions - and redirect it elsewhere.

Paul Burns had an intellect unparalleled in the history of Man. He wrote countless sonnets for the edification of voters everywhere. He was a master of mathematics and a purveyor of vocabulary. He taught us the very meaning of life itself. And for all of that, he was not too proud to belittle his fellow man.

But most of all, Paul Burns was awesome. He's already planning a library with a mile-high monument to himself. He's brushing aside his competitors. He has his own Secretary of Awesome. His veep knows how to lay the smack down. And lest we forget: he named the multiverse after himself. I mean, how awesome is that?

Um, no. The correct answer was "super awesome."

Well, we've come a long way, but we haven't won this thing yet. Tell your family. Tell your friends. Hold rallies. Link to us on your website. And above all, come November, vote Burns.

Don't worry. We'll make the next 100 posts even more awesome than the first.

So you'd better be sure to tune in again tomorrow. Why, who knows what Paul Burns will talk about next?

Low-quality sonnets are the fault of Jeff Fetters

2008-06-23T06:22:00.000-04:00

If any of my former English teachers are reading right now, I can only say: it's all right. This...this isn't your fault.

Current Events Sonnet #9 in D Minor

Tsvangirai drops his presidential run
Beneath the foul incumbent's bloody hand;
Hamas and Israel set aside their guns
In hopes of bringing peace into their land.
The Brits have got a treaty ratified
A typhoon smashed into the Philippines
Romanians elect a man who died
While France gets back into the NATO scene.
The lander found an icy patch on Mars -
Could frozen water mean a chance of life?
Poor Tiger will be cutting back on pars
The Celtics' NBA win triggers strife.
With earthquake photos fresh in people's eyes,
The Chinese watch their water levels rise.

Be sure to tune in again tomorrow for a special campaign announcement.

Your MS Paint is your weakness

2008-06-20T06:07:00.002-04:00

So what is John McCain's deep dark secret? I mean, he seems like such a fine, upstanding gentleman:

But you know, anyone looks good in a suit. Maybe in a different set of threads, we'd begin to see...

Yeah, there we go. Black looks sort of...familiar on him, doesn't it? Like some other Senator I know of. But who?

There's something...I'm not quite sure...what is...

Ah, yeah, there it is. Okay. Okay, I think we're done here. Show's over! Nothing else to see, folks.

Anyway...be sure to tune in again Monday, for another of those Current Events Sonnets you ~~tolerate~~ like so well.

Will the real Paul Burns please stand up

2008-06-19T06:07:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I promised that today's post would be about the greatest threat to the Paul Burns campaign. Now you've had all night to think about it, and I can only imagine what guesses you've made. Is it bin Laden? Is it "Can you smell what Barack is cooking" Obama? Could it be fear, or apathy, or Sauron, or the fact that basically nobody has heard of Paul Burns's candidacy?

No, my friends, no. These are all grave threats (well, except Sauron, who was really just bitter over a bad case of pinkeye). But the one true threat is far subtler and more sinister.

Brand confusion.

A politician's success positively hinges on solid brand recognition. And what is a politician's brand? Why, his name, of course. A voter has to hear a name and immediately recognize the person behind it. Otherwise...very bad things can happen.

Paul Burns is drowning in a sea of me-too usurpers with the audacity to copycat his all-important trademark. Take a look at this rogues' gallery of nominal plagiarists:

Paul Burns the techie - Imagine the voter reaction if they learned their candidate was into something like technology. Understanding technology means you have logical analysis skills, and logical analysis skills mean that you must be, that's right, a nerd. Come, now. Do we really want a president who, midway through negotiations with Kim Jong-il, finds himself on the receiving end of an atomic wedgie?

(Don't worry, President Bush. I know you're horrified by the thought of negotiating with the leaders of rogue nations. It was just a joke. In real life, nobody would actually do such a thing.)

Paul Burns the soccer player - Soccer is just a long, tedious game in which almost no real points are scored, everything is decided by a dramatic play at the end, and yet the commentators sound fascinated the whole way through. Imagine if Americans associated that with politics.

(Oh, that's right, England. I called it soccer, not football. What are you going to do about it?)

Paul Burns the gardener - Sure, Americans care about the environment. But a candidate who's in the pocket of Big Green? That'll get weeded out by the roots at the first sign of frost.

I'm really bad at gardening metaphors.

Paul Burns the actor - Not that there's anything wrong with actors gettin' their Prez on, but his running-mate is an actress. Tickets are about balance. We're trying to run a country here, not peddle popcorn.

Paul Burns the photographer - As we all know, photographs steal your soul. And our Paul Burns has already gone on record against any sort of supernatural shenanigans.

Paul Burns the realtor - In this housing market? That's like taking an arsonist back to the ashes of his grandma's house and saying "Hey, you missed a spot, here's some napalm."

Paul Burns the doctor - America needs someone who can heal its divisions...metaphorically. Come on. Nobody goes in for that "I have actual useful skills" rhetoric anymore.

Don't be fooled by cheap imitation Paul Burnses! Demand genuine Burns! Set a precedent for President!

Because really, come on. More than one entity named Paul Burns? That would just be...confusing.

Be sure to tune in again tomorrow, when you'll learn something about John McCain that you won't find anywhere else.

The flood of support continues

2008-06-18T22:17:00.004-04:00

We've got so many supporters now I can barely keep track of them all...luckily, you've got that handy list on the bottom of the sidebar to help you out!

Anyway, my good friend Archangel shows his support. Do you know why? That's right, because he's awesome, and because he knows a winner when he sees one.

Vote Burns.

Clearly your own opinion here would be less valid

2008-06-18T06:07:00.002-04:00

I guess culture is pretty good? There are a lot of people studying it, it must be pretty good. It's not like we would waste our time studying unimportant things. So, you know, let's learn about culture.

Holidays are one of the most conspicuous signs of culture, but you have to be careful. Because not all holidays are real holidays. You know what I'm talking about, right? The ones where, the first time someone asks you "Did you get a card for so-and-so" and you're like "why" and then they tell you and you're just in shock that this is an actual thing? Yeah, those. Except, you never know. Maybe you're not the one that's in shock that it's an actual thing. Maybe you're the one who sees nothing wrong with it. Maybe you are inadvertently celebrating...

...a fake holiday!

With that in mind, here are some tips to help you tell the Hannukahs from the Hallmarks. If any of the following apply to the festivity in question...it might be a fake holiday!

If the holiday was invented by the candy industry.

You think I'm kidding, don't you? Nobody would listen if the corporations in charge of selling candy created a holiday where people buy candy to celebrate something that's already celebrated by another holiday. That's what you're thinking.

Well, you would be wrong.

If the special activity for the holiday is something you do every day anyway.

Hey, I was thinking! Let's set aside one day a year...to be nice to our kids. Because that never happens.

If the holiday is related to your job.

Holidays are when you get off work. If you have to go to work to celebrate your holiday, you're doing it wrong. Take Our Daughters And Sons To Work Day? I'm sorry, it's your kids. At work. Does that sound like a holiday to you?

Boss's Day is another good example of this phenomenon. Secretary's Day was pretty good until it became Administrative Professional's Day, which is sort of like calling up your mom and saying "Jovial Maternal Reproductive Facilitator Diurnal Period."

The one exception to the job-related fake-holiday rule is Labor Day, solely because it is - with incredible irony - a day you do not actually have to go to work.

If the holiday celebrates a person whose main accomplishment was doing something wrong.

Hey, um, Mr. Columbus? Yeah, Asia is that way.

Tell you what, give me an Einstein Day, and then we'll talk.

If the holiday is a week. Or a month.

Don't get me wrong. I love me some Shelley, some Poe, some Chesterton. I think it's fairly obvious that I think poetry is - as you kids say today - "the bee's knees." But to claim that April is National Poetry Month? Um, yeah, about that. It can't be National Poetry Month. It's too busy being April.

Also, I don't know if National Peanut Month is a real thing, or if the peanut people are lying to us, or what, but...seriously. Come on. I mean...no.

One last thing, though. If anybody tries to tell you Pi Day is a fake holiday, break their incisors with a well-thrown baseball. And then, like, check out its circumference. Because math is awesome.

Be sure to tune in again tomorrow, when we will discuss the greatest threat to the Paul Burns candidacy!

Might want to do something about that, eh?

2008-06-17T06:02:00.001-04:00

If you've had the experience of being conscious (mind you, not socially conscious, just conscious) at any time in the past five years, you probably know there is this thing called global warming. We're at an exciting time; we're just past the point of "Okay, the scientists aren't all lying to us about the terabytes of evidence that global warming is actually happening" but not quite to the point of knowing what's causing it. Oh, sure, there are some kooks who say things like "Maybe the scientists with their terabytes of evidence are also not lying about the cause" but clearly such statements are part of a vast left-wing conspiracy.

But if it's not our fault (and how could it be, us being so responsible and all) then whose fault is it? Some say it's just part of a natural cycle, so it's, like, nature's fault, but that sounds a little too much like some kind of New Age pagan crystal voodoo to us. If there's a natural catastrophe, it'd better be a straight-up Act Of God, thank you very much. Except that really, if God were trying to tell us something, you'd probably expect it to be a little less subtle.

So, what's the cause?

Well, we at the Burns Campaign are uniquely qualified to answer this question. Not because Paul Burns is master of all science (although, he is); and not because he can postulate all possible answers simultaneously (although, he can). Why, then?

Well, as you may recall, Mr. Burns has a scapegoat:

Yes, our candidate has generously donated the use of Jeff Fetters, his personal scapegoat, for the problem of global warming. No more partisan debates; no more scientific research grants; no more bickering or worrying. Just a single, simple answer we can all agree on.

It's not our fault. It's his fault.

Now don't you feel better?

Be sure to tune in again tomorrow, when we will make you an expert in the art of detecting fake holidays!

Clearly, the eighth time is not a charm

2008-06-16T05:55:00.000-04:00

What keeps you people reading these sonnet things, anyway? My current theory: masochism.

Current Events Sonnet #8 in D Minor

In Iowa now, the water's gotten high,
Tim Russert's gone; he will be greatly missed;
Taiwan and China say it's cool to fly,
You will not like Bruce Banner when he's pissed.
Guantanamo gets basic human rights -
Which upsets Bush, but then, he isn't here;
The Taliban puts a prison in their sights,
For NASA, gamma rays will soon appear.
The Church of Scientology is pwned,
Norwegians give the thumbs-up to the gays,
Budweiser shortly may be foreign-owned,
"I'm sorry" comes in interesting ways.
In Arnold's state, the fires are spreading quick;
Impeachment for the President won't stick.

Be sure to tune in again tomorrow, when we - the Paul Burns campaign - will reveal the actual cause of global warming!

Honu Girl supports Paul Burns

2008-06-13T06:17:00.003-04:00

Yet another addition to our growing list of supporters (down on the sidebar there, if you haven't seen it already). Awesome!

If you have a page somewhere on the Interwebs supporting Paul Burns, be sure to let us know so we can give you some love in return!

A conspiracy unmasked

2008-06-13T05:57:00.001-04:00

You may have heard that Jim Johnson, one of Obama's top campaign aides, has resigned.

Why? Something about some kind of deal on low mortgage rates...sounded pretty boring actually. And also fake. I mean, come on - a guy gets fired for getting a better deal on his house? Makes no sense.

Unless...

Unless maybe, he wasn't a guy at all.

Jim Johnson's shocking secret revealed:

I knew it! Look at the eyes! Jim Johnson is secretly WALL-E!!

For more staggeringly intellectual revelations like this one, be sure to check back on Monday, when you'll get to read this week's Current Events Sonnet.

Euler now, liquor later

2008-06-12T06:05:00.000-04:00

Who is the best candidate to be President this year? The answer, as you all well know, is Paul Burns. But it may be that you're curious about the choice between Barack Obama and John McCain - out of, let's say, idle curiosity. Well, folks, there's only one way to settle this: math.

Let's assign a variable to each candidate's relative worth: B for Barack Obama, J for John McCain. Now, we know that Obama stands for change in America, while McCain stands for a much lesser amount of change. So, to start with:

B = δA
J = µδA

A bad start for McCain. However, McCain has a whopping twenty-six years of experience in Congress, while Obama has just four:

B = δA + 4e
J = µδA + 26e

Now remember that Obama is for bigger government, while McCain is for smaller government (well, technically he's for government that expands at a rate not quite so staggeringly high, but let's not quibble). Thus:

B = δA + 4e + G
J = µδA + 26e + g

Finally, Obama's trademark appeal rests in his perceived ability to bring the two halves of this divided nation together into one. McCain, meanwhile, battles the image that he is old, out of touch, and something of a square; however, he is more popular among the followers of Christ, who is the Alpha and the Omega:

B = δA + 4e + G + ½ + ½
J = (µδA + 26e + g)² + α*Ω

All that remains now is to gauge the public's interest in each candidate relative to the next-best choice; that is, divide by the value of their nearest rival, Hillary Clinton:

B = (δA + 4e + G + ½ + ½) / H
J = [(µδA + 26e + g)² + α*Ω] / H

Uh-oh...what's this?!

B = ERROR DIV BY ZERO
J = ERROR DIV BY ZERO

Oh noes! From beyond the political grave, Hillary gets her revenge! Furious over the inscrutable arithmetic that cost her the nomination, she strikes back, dealing a devastating blow to the math of her competitors! Now we will never know who comes out on top!

Fortunately, there's only one equation you need to know for this election year, and that's the absolute, undeniable perfection of Paul Burns - the man, the myth, the legend:

P = ∞

There you have it; the numbers don't lie. Be sure to tune in again tomorrow, when we'll tell you the real reason that Obama's advisor resigned!

This week in fashion: tinfoil hats

2008-06-11T06:06:00.000-04:00

There are plenty of conspiracy theories out there. Paul McCartney is secretly dead. If you've ever touched a penny, the government has your DNA on file. Israel is controlled by Jews. Sure, they sound crazy, but if you're like most people, the thought has crossed your head from time to time: could there be any truth to those Area 51 old wives' tales?

No. There couldn't.

And I'll tell you why. It isn't because our leader are sweet and wonderful, or because we're smart enough to see through lies. No, conspiracy theories are crap for the simple reason that our government isn't smart enough to pull off something like that.

I mean, no offense, but let's be honest here - we're talking about a government whose idea of invasion is dropping a few men onto a shoreline in enemy territory and shouting "¡Ándale! ¡Ándale!" - a government that's spent over half a billion dollars on a visitors' center - a government in which a state house of representatives agreed unanimously that pi was precisely 3.2. Folks, forget about CIA cover-ups; these guys are struggling with basic geometry.

But not to worry! Though the current administration is far too inept to pull off a vast right-wing conspiracy, be assured that when Paul Burns takes office, he will immediately enact a conspiracy so enormous, so far-reaching, so staggeringly complex, that it will blow your mind. (Literally. If you find out about it, we have to kill you.)

Trust me. Our Secretary of F***ing Awesome has plenty of experience with this sort of thing.

So, vote for Paul Burns. And a year or two from now, when you're sitting in your easy chair, watching Celebrity Jeopardy and snacking on Snickerdoodles, and all of a sudden you get a feeling like nothing in the world is wrong...yeah. That's when you'll know. The Matrix is real, and the Architect...is Paul Burns.

In the meantime, be sure to check in tomorrow, when we'll be working out a little basic math of our own!

Positively the worst sort of bean

2008-06-10T06:01:00.002-04:00

The President of the United States has to be on the lookout at all times, vigilant against every type of threat imaginable. There are the obvious threats, of course: terrorism, North Korea, bears, global warming, and those crazy gay people who - for some reason - keep trying to get married. But there are other, subtler threats: a slowing economy, failing schools, folks who pull tags off mattresses, American Idol, Tom Cruise, and those crazy gay people who - for some reason - keep trying to get married.

And then, every once in a while, comes a threat so insidious, so meticulously wrapped in sheep's clothing, that only a master can detect its presence. My friends, Paul Burns is just such a master, and the threat is so subtle that many of us have yet to notice it at all.

Soybeans.

Yes, soy, that unassuming, innocent-looking bean. You've probably seen soybeans a hundred times before and thought nothing of them; you may have eaten them yourself, or even - heaven help you - fed them to your children.

But step back a moment, and think. The soybean is an ancient and powerful foe. Its origins are shrouded in mystery, surely predating all human civilization; its numbers are staggering, with the soybean (by some estimates) outnumbering human beings by an incredible ten million to one. How did they sneak up on us, you may ask? Well, there's plenty of blame to go around. But the real question is, what do we do about the Bean Menace today?

The first step is to know your enemy, and surely there is much to discover about this cruel and cunning adversary. Perhaps its most insidious aspect is the way it infiltrates our daily lives, posing under the cover of seemingly ordinary household items. Think that's real bacon you're eating? Careful - it might be soy bacon, a product which, according to one anti-soy activist, "tastes like somebody bacon-flavored a turd." Worse yet, even the fork you use on these ersatz edibles could be made of soy. Is nothing sacred?

But the worst crime ever perpetrated by the Health Food Cartel - worse than Lite Ranch, worse than skim milk, worse even than Light 'n' Fit Yogurt - is the final and most devastating avatar of soy: tofu, destroyer of worlds.

Some try to find humor in tofu, others try to explain it, still others simply appropriate it for their own interests, but no one has looked into the deep, hideous abyss of this inhuman creation and remained unaffected. It is a foul and malodorous material, so repulsive that even its domain name is an empty, lifeless husk.

Who among us is immune to its unspeakable power; who has not retched, after mistaking a piece of it for cheese? Do we not all have a husband or daughter, cousin or friend, who claims to love the stuff, but secretly despises the vile addiction that drives him each day further into its clammy grasp? Yea, and when it comes to soy, what a long, dark road it is. Will no one save us from this bean?

It is the duty and sacred honor of Paul Hamilton Burns to protect us from the sinister Soy. If elected, he pledges to spend each day of his presidency fighting for your right to live free of this menace; with each new day that passes, he will make you proud anew. Remember, in the battle of Good Versus Evil, the enemy is not always cloaked in darkness.

Sometimes, the enemy is lite.

Be sure to tune in again tomorrow, when we'll tell you everything you need to know about vast government conspiracies.

Each time we post one of these, Harold Bloom dies a little inside

2008-06-09T00:04:00.003-04:00

It's time once again for us to deliver to you the events of the past week...via literature!

Current Events Sonnet #7 in D Minor

A legend in the world of sports has died
And likewise in the world of rock 'n' roll
The Red Wings have good reason for their pride
The crazy price of oil takes its toll.
We hope the Martian lander isn't broke
A nuclear weapons mix-up; Gates is pissed
The dumbass terrorists can't take a joke
The dumbass Burmese leaders still exist.
We've redefined "ironic," by the way
(Somehow I doubt that Kim Jong-il will care)
And Clinton said what we all knew she'd say
Not that it's going to get her anywhere.
Meanwhile, Obama's ready for McCain -
Of course, he's got a few things to explain.

See, there? You became an informed voter, and you didn't even have to go to Wikipedia!

Be sure to tune in again tomorrow, when the Burns campaign will shed light on the unholy powers of soy.

Like a felony, but worse

2008-06-06T06:09:00.001-04:00

I've already mentioned the whimsically-titled I Can Has Cheezburger as a shocking purveyor of kitten exploitation - a website that sees fit to turn kittens into mere objects for our amusement, their native cuteness metamorphosed via captions into a grotesque spectacle of amoral "humor." LOLcats, they call this monstrosity, probably because DeliberatelyAbuseHelplessAnimals was already taken. Paul Burns has worked tirelessly to fight this outrage, and with your help, we can win the war on cat-captioning once and for all.

But a new horror has emerged, and Paul Burns has the unenviable task of relating to you, the voters, this fresh tale of woe. As you read of the shudder-inducing story below, let the chills that run down your spine serve as a permanent reminder that your vote can make a difference.

You see, the vile administrators of I Can Has Cheezburger (flanked, no doubt, by hellish administrative assistants) have crossed the line from simple feline malfeasance into the realm of the literary. That's right; these cybernetic oppressors have committed kitten plagiarism.

I'll let the facts speak for themselves.

FACT: On April 16, 2008, I posted the following:

"Squads of kittens...will overwhelm their targets with adorability, unleashing such a massive quantity of sweetness, cuddliness, and sheer gosh-darn-it cuteness that those engaged in violence will have no choice but to surrender. This strategy, dubbed "Shock and Awww," will be a massive undertaking..." [emphasis mine]

FACT: On May 29, 2008 - less than two months later - I Can Has Cheezburger posted the following:

FACT: These people are human trash.

They stole my joke! Did you see it? I was like "Hey, here is a nice joke, don't steal it pls, kthx," and they were all "OMG LET'S STEAL HIS JOEK!!!11" I mean what the heck? Did you see it? Did you see what happened there? Man, for real! What the crap?

Seriously.

Okay, maybe you're not quite as outraged as I am. It's conceivable, I suppose, that the alleged joke-stealing by a humor website from the campaign manager of a fictional candidacy hosted on another humor website...I guess, possibly, this is not something you feel genuine anger about. I can accept that. We can move on.

But honestly - kitten plagiarism? That's just sick. And I want you to know that Paul Burns will do everything in his power to make sure that kind of thing is stopped, once and for all.

Because, of course, I was definitely the first person to think of that joke ever.

Well, fine. Just make sure you tune in again on Monday. You don't want to miss our weekly Current Events Sonnet!

Check it out

2008-06-06T06:04:00.002-04:00

We added a "supporters" section at the bottom of the sidebar.

So, check out our supporters! And, if you're a supporter whose website doesn't appear in our section...let us know! We will give you - and I am not exaggerating here - mad props.

Don't let the door hit you on your way out

2008-06-05T00:56:00.006-04:00

Hi everybody, this is Jessica Alba speaking - as you probably know, I'm Paul Burns's running-mate in the 2008 U.S. presidential election. With so much going on in the world of politics right now, I want to take this opportunity to say a few words regarding our present situation. I'm not putting any words in Paul Burns's mouth here - this is all me. Because, for me, this has sort of gotten personal.

To my supporters and fans: thank you. Your encouragement means everything. To the undecided voters of America: think carefully. Resist the temptation to make a quick choice. Your decision in November will shake the foundations of the world. To my rivals, Senators John McCain and Barack Obama: congratulations on making it this far. You've both persevered through some very difficult odds.

And to Hillary Rodham Clinton:

I could drop you like a ton of bricks.

I don't just mean that I could beat you in a fight, although please be assured that if it came to that, if I had the pleasure of being forced into actual fisticuffs with you, the backside of your sweet little Easter-yellow pantsuit would have my footprint ingrained into its sleek exterior eight separate times before you hit the floor. No, what I'm asserting here is something a little more fundamental; I'm better than you. From one female vice-presidential-hopeful to another, I make this claim; I make it without reservation or doubt; today, this Thursday, June 5 of 2008, I, Jessica Marie Alba, hereby assert as a matter of public record that I am demonstrably superior to you in every measurable way.

Let's review.

I'm better than you at acting. Which is surprising, since I've only been acting since 1994, whereas you've had your entire life to fine-tune that funny little balancing game you play. Granted, I'm no Charlton Heston, but at least I make an effort. But you - that smarmy way you call "friend" the man you've consistently eviscerated at every opportunity for the past six months? It's like you're not even trying. Hillary, the first rule of drama is that you yourself have to believe in what you're saying. If not, how can your audience?

I'm better than you at logic. Yes, I play a character who purports to make herself invisible because of exposure to cosmic rays. You, however, by all appearances actually believe you should be awarded delegates from a contest in which your opponent's name wasn't even on the ballot; you honestly don't see the irony in claiming all obstacles to your ascension are rooted in sexism. Here, I'll spell it out for you. Deciding that men must hate you because you're a woman and not because of your complete inability to function as a human being? Yeah, that's sexist. Honey, I'm not expecting the Socratic Method from you, but space out your contradictions over more than one sentence - it's just good etiquette.

I'm better than you at math. After high school, I attended the Atlantic Theater Company; you went to Yale. So why is it me and not you who understands that if one person has 13,355,209 of something (votes, for example) and the other person only has 12,638,123 of that something, the second person isn't the one who has more? Oh, wait, maybe you're confused - you can't count votes from the states that you said don't matter. If you wanted every vote to count, maybe you should've thought of that before you started losing, hm?

I'm better than you at economics. I know exactly nothing about economics. What's the only thing worse than that? Knowing exactly nothing about economics, and then coming up with an economic plan that every single economist alive says is a bad idea. Bonus tip: try not to say things like "I'm not going to throw my lot in with economists." Dear? Sweetie? They're economists. It is their entire f***ing job. And when every single one of them tells you the exact same thing at the exact same time, and you still don't listen, it means you don't know what your own job actually is.

I'm better than you at handling my own finances. Probably connected to the "better at economics" thing. Sure, my campaign is flat broke. But twenty million dollars in debt? Nah, I'll leave that one for you. I've learned that much by now - no matter how low I set the bar, you still find a way to sliiiide on underneath.

I'm better than you at ethics. I refuse to appear nude in any of my films; this is something I decided a long time ago, and I've stuck to it ever since. And while it may not be much of a principle, it is, in fact, a principle. For future reference, a principle is when you do something because you feel it's right, even if it's not popular, and - here's the kicker - even if it doesn't benefit you personally. It's...sorry, I can tell you're distracted; we'll move on.

I'm better than you at judgment. Fighting on against impossible odds for a noble purpose makes you a hero. Insisting you're winning when you're too far behind even to catch up - I believe the term for that is "whiny little girl." Similarly, conceding once it's apparent you can no longer win - that would be gracefeul. Conceding when 90% of your advisors finally convince you that the big number is bigger than the small number? That means you passed remedial math. Congratulations, you're on to third grade; this means you can now, officially, stop being a whiny little girl.

And finally - and I think this is the one that must really sting - I'm better than you at politics. You thought you had it all figured out, didn't you? It was a simple formula; find out what the crowd wants to hear, and give it to them in the purest form you can muster. It doesn't even have to make sense; nobody will call you out on it but the media, and you can just say they're biased. And it was going pretty well. But then a remarkable thing happened - people started catching on to your bullshit. When you fed them that line about your gas tax holiday, people knew you were pandering. When you invented nonexistent issues to be outraged about, people booed you. How perplexing that must have been! "But I'm pandering," you thought. "Doesn't that always work?"

Well, apparently not. At this moment, my campaign actually, truly, no-joke for real has a higher chance than yours of making its candidate President of the United States. Because my candidate is the only one who is left actually running.

Oh, and one other thing. Guess what, bitch? I'm hotter, too.

(Sorry - didn't mean any of that to sound bitter. I'm not angry, really. I'm just, you know - disenfranchised. Funny how that works.)

Be sure to tune in again tomorrow, when Paul Burns is going to talk about kittens.

Kickin' it new-school

2008-06-04T00:14:00.000-04:00

Terrorism is a scary thing. Which makes sense, I guess; as a general rule, you wouldn't expect the ideology formed by taking "terror" and adding "-ism" to be especially comforting. I'm sure I don't have to explain the discomfort of "painism," the annoyance of "deathism," or the sheer unpleasantness of "porcupineswallowingism." Still, I am sad to say that in today's complex world, etymological superiority is not enough. We need to actually stop them from blowing stuff up.

"But I thought we'd already solved that problem," you say. "With kittens."

Yes, kittens are indeed the answer to most, if not all, geopolitical problems. But the fact remains, some situations exist when the cuteness of kittens is simply not an effective deterrent of radical violence. Perhaps the terrorist is in a hurry, and does not have time to properly reflect upon the softness of his feline companion; perhaps he is blind (maybe because of previous failed experiments in terrorism) and cannot gaze on the cuddly creature. Regardless, in situations like these, we need an emergency weapon to slow down those unsightly insurgents.

If you're a parent, you probably already know what I'm getting at. Toddlers.

Yes, toddlers have long been a thorn in the side of radical hate groups, with their unpredictable walking patterns, indifference to shouted orders, and uncanny knack for picking up new languages. Their real strength, however, is in their numbers.

Every major population center in the United States must keep a large stockpile of toddlers in reserve, ready to unleash at a moment's notice. In the event of a terrorist attack, the Designated Official Leader of the Toddlers (DOLT) will ignite the Cookie-Signal, summoning literally dozens of the bumbling tykes toward the epicenter of the attack-in-progress.

Amid such a mass of munchkins, the effectiveness of a terrorist is drastically diminished. Their frenzied cries for jihad will be drowned out by choruses of whiny children; their running strides toward the exit will be impaired by the sea of tiny overalls, tripping them as they flail about among the jaunty juveniles. And what turban can survive the resultant onslaught of a thousand tiny, curious, semiautonomous fingers?

Yes, it would be a dark day indeed for the would-be attackers, as they find that their guns, bombs, and rocket launchers simply cannot destroy enough of the ubiquitous youths to make a significant difference. Such is the power of American ingenuity, the triumph of hard work and unshakable ethics over a mindset that understands nothing but death.

We'll show 'em. This November, think of the children. Vote Burns.

Oh, and be sure to tune in tomorrow, when running-mate Jessica Alba will give her own personal take on all the hubbub over the Democratic primaries.

Teh moneyz$

2008-06-03T06:04:00.001-04:00

So it's not exactly a secret: the economy is sinking quicker than an anorexic blowfish. Of course, once Paul Burns takes office, all that will change; but until then, it's his duty as a concerned public official to mitigate this disaster as much as possible. With that in mind, Mr. Burns is proud to present these...

Savings Tips for Financially Conscious Families
Arranged in chronological order according to when I wrote them

1. Pay off your credit cards slowly. You may have heard other, less savvy financial advisors say things like "Pay off your credit cards quickly" and "Lower your debt." This is silly. The less money you spend on credit card bills, the more money you have to invest in stocks, and everyone knows it's all about the stocks. Buy low, sell high - and the market right now is low. Which reminds me...

2. Invest in technology companies. If history has taught us anything, it is that technology companies are always, without exception, a good investment. "But wait," you say, "how can I tell whether this company is a technology company?" Well, Hypothetical Reader, it's easy. Just type their name into Google. If any results come up, it means they have a Presence on the Web. Automatic buy! (Alternatively, you just stop by one of their offices. The more computers you see, the more money is going straight into your pocket. If you spot an employee with a Blackberry, it's time to sell a kidney.)

3. Don't replace your smoke detectors. A smoke alarm can cost you as much as thirty dollars, and the experts say you should replace yours every ten years. Well, sorry to spoil your fun, "experts," but over the course of your career, that could be over a hundred dollars! Hey, here's a tip: you don't get rich by throwing your dollars away. It's not like your house is going to burn down anyway.

4. Don't let your house burn down.

5. Join the Mafia. Ok, I want you to imagine how much money you spend on suits every year. Now imagine all that money going straight into your bank account instead, because in Cosa Nostra, the suits are on the house. Now imagine all the medical bills you would have paid late in life, which you'll never have to worry about, due to your untimely demise. It's a victimless crime! Well, okay - it's a crime.

6. Run for president. Because really, what could possibly go wrong?

With these tips, you should be well on your way to saving more money than your bank account can hold. At which point, you know what you have to do - find a bigger bank.

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will unveil the most effective plan to combat terrorism ever!

Rearing its ugly head

2008-06-02T00:10:00.002-04:00

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I wonder if that's true for crimes against literature?

On an unrelated note, I am please to present...

Current Events Sonnet #6 in D Minor

A mob boss gave himself up to the feds
While someone else who knew good suits has died
New York is cool with anyone who weds
Whether or not the pair is "groom" and "bride"
Australia pulls some troops out of Iraq
And science, now, can make the bleeding stop
The first storm of the season's on its track
A new ace speller rockets to the top.
The LDSer's finally get to leave
The Martian lander gets an early taste
Real fire burns in Land of Make-Believe
"Sex and the City" isn't toxic waste.
Now Clinton's pleased with how the voting went;
You'd almost think that she was relevant.

Whew! That's over with. Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when we'll offer helpful money-saving tips for the financially conscious!

Stop what you're doing, and read this now

2008-05-30T06:12:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I said we'd have "practical money tips for families looking to save." That was a lie. Today you're reading this instead. No, it's not related to the Burns campaign at all. Don't care. Read this. I promise it's better than whatever I would have written.

The Last Hero
G. K. Chesterton

The wind blew out from Bergen, from the dawning to the day
There was a wreck of trees, a fall of towers, a score of miles away
And drifted like a livid leaf I go before the tide
Spewed out of house and stable, beggared of flag and bride
The heavens are bowed about my head, raging like seraph wars
With rains that might put out the sun, and rid the sky of stars
Rains like the fall of ruined seas from secret worlds above
The roaring of the rains of God, none but the lonely love
Feast in my halls, O Foemen! O eat and drink and drain!
You never loved the sun in heaven, as I have loved the rain!

The tide of battle changes, so may all battle be
I stole my lady bride from them; they stole her back from me
As I wrenched her from her red roofed halls, I rose and saw arise
More lovely than the living flowers, the hatred in her eyes
She never loved me, never wept, never was less divine
And sunset never knew us, her world was never mine
Was it all for nothing that she stood, imperial in duresse
Silence itself made softer with the sweeping of her dress
O you who drain the cup of life! O You who wear the crown!
You never loved a woman's smile as I have loved her frown!

The wind blew out from Bergen to the dawning of the day
They ride and race with fifty spears to break and bar my way
I shall not die alone, alone, but kin to all the powers
As merry as the ancient sun, and fighting like the flowers!
How white their steel! How bright their eyes! I love each laughing knave
Cry high and bid him welcome to the banquet of the brave
Yea, I will bless them as they bend, and love them where they lie
When upon their skulls the sword I swing falls shattering from the sky
That hour when death is like a light, and blood is as a rose -
You never loved your friends, my friends, as I will love my foes!

Know you what you shall lose this night, what rich uncounted loans
What heavy gold of tales untold you bury with my bones
My loves in deep dim meadows, my ships that rode at ease
Ruffling the purple plumage of strange and secret seas
To see this fair earth as it stands, to me alone was given
The blow that breaks my brow tonight shall break the dome of heaven
The skies I saw, the trees I saw, after, no eye shall see
Tonight I die the death of God - the stars shall die with me!
One sound shall sunder all the spears, and break the trumpet's breath -
You never laughed in all your life, as I shall laugh in death!

We now return to our regularly scheduled Burns campaign. Be sure to tune in on Monday, when (as always) we'll have our weekly Current Events sonnet!

Try these exciting alternatives

2008-05-29T00:16:00.000-04:00

It seems a lot of people are opposed to the death penalty, which, for a presidential candidate, is sort of disappointing. It's like becoming the King of NASCAR and then finding out nobody likes racing. Still, democracy is about nothing if not appeasement, so, in no particular order, here are the Future Burns Administration's top alternatives to the death penalty for convicted felons:

Send them to Mars.

Okay, with current technology, they have maybe a 50% chance of getting there. For an astronaut, not so great. For a Death Row inmate? Why the heck not? Advantages to this plan: renewed public interest in astronomy. Disadvantages: felon may fly shuttle back to Earth, wreak havoc, fire missiles. Note to self: do not include missiles on shuttle.

Make them attend first-time novelists' book signings.

You wrote a book? Yeah, that's precious. But hey, there's no reason we can't still stroke your ego! Think of the joy in that new writer's heart when he sees a big long line of people, some of them literate, waiting to have their books autographed. Also, listening to the author talk about their inspirations is a pretty good replacement punishment for lethal injection. Everyone wins! Except the authors, who will almost certainly be killed.

Put them on Survivor.

See, it's called "Survivor," but in this case it literally means...what? Oh, you got the joke already. Well, fine then. Moving on.

Have them run for president.

They can't be much worse than the current batch. Present company excluded, of course.

Make them test amusement park rides.

Think about it...they just built this great new machine, where they lift you up five hundred feet and drop you straight down, and then at the last second, you're caught by a piece of rubber as big around as a golf ball. Nobody's ever tried it before. So...who's first in line?

Hey, how about the guy with half a family in his meat locker?

Give them political blogs.

Oh snap.

Use them as motivational speakers.

Typically motivational speakers are people who have overcome great adversity. They get lots of applause, but deep down, we all know that's sort of depressing, because we ourselves will never, never do anything even remotely as inspiring. Wow, you had brain, lung and pelvis cancer, and still won three gold medals? That's cool, I forgot to take out the trash today, but I think next week it's going to happen for sure.

Now, if we had Death Row inmates up there, it's a heck of a lot better. 'Cause I mean, maybe my life is and will always be a series of predictable, mediocre, ultimately meaningless achievements, but you know what? I didn't garrote anybody.

Put them in big plastic brightly-colored bubbles and set them adrift on the ocean.

I don't know. I thought it might be kind of fun?

Present them as an achievement award for World of Warcraft players.

Once you have him, you can use him for mining...gold farming...dungeon grinding...the possibilities are limitless. Just don't be giving him your password. You know how those murderers can be!

Use them as roundhouse-kick-to-the-face practice for our new Secretary of Homeland Security.

Oh wait, that is the death penalty.

Any other ideas? Post them in the comments! And be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will offer practical money tips for families looking to save!

My blog...it's full of stars!

2008-05-28T06:01:00.000-04:00

Say what you will about leadership, wisdom, charisma, and character, you just aren't truly great unless you get something named after you. Preferably something big and important, and hopefully more than one something. Abraham Lincoln has a city; George Washington has a state; Christopher Columbus has a country; Amerigo Vespucci has two continents. All these pale, of course, in comparison to Princess Andromeda, who somehow managed to snag an entire galaxy.

Well, it should be pretty self-evident that Paul Burns is a greater human being than any of these people; and so it is with great pride that I announce today that the Multiverse has officially been renamed "Paul Burns."

The Multiverse is, of course, the set of every universe in existence, comprising the totality of all matter, antimatter, and energy, every dimension, all numbers real and imaginary, all planes of being, every quantum fluctuation, every aspect of space and time, every entity rational and otherwise, and, basically, everything that has or will ever exist or could ever exist in any way, without any exception whatsoever.

This is a very exciting step for the Burns campaign, and of course we want nothing else than to bask for a month in the light of its wonderful, wonderful glory. However, the sad truth is that even for an act as straightforward and sensible as naming the entirety of existence after a U.S. presidential candidate, there are naysayers. Below, we debunk a few of their arguments.

This is completely stupid.

Nope.

Paul Burns doesn't deserve this.

Oh really? May I remind you that Hudson got a bay named after him, and he wasn't even from around there. When it comes to the Multiverse, Paul Burns is a native!

The entirety of existence shouldn't be named after a person.

Oh really? And what should we name it after? A word?

It'll be confusing. When we say "Paul Burns," how will we know whether we're talking about the presidential candidate, or the sum total of all conceivable realities?

You have to base it on context. For example: "Paul Burns has my vote for president in 2008." Clearly this refers to the human being. Sets of universes are not eligible for the presidency. "Paul Burns contains all matter that has ever existed, or could ever exist." This probably refers to the Multiverse, which also has the property mentioned. "Paul Burns is super awesome!" Here we have some ambiguity. You might respond with something like, "I agree, but out of curiosity, are we talking about the presidential candidate, or the indescribable conglomeration of an infinite number of infinities?"

How can you name something after something else that's already inside it?

Now you know.

If this is what we're calling the Multiverse now, then forget it. I'm leaving.

Oh? And where would you go? To some elaborately constructed hypothetical location carefully designed to lie outside of our arbitrarily defined framework for the Multiverse? Well, too bad for you that any such construction would by mere virtue of its hypothetical nature lie inside the confines of the Multiverse based solely on the inherent vagueness of its aforementioned, broadly inclusive definition! Ha! Ha ha! Ah, hahahahahahahahaha!!!

Ahem.

Be sure to tune in again tomorrow, when we'll discuss alternatives to the death penalty!

Calling this "poetry" borders on false advertising

2008-05-27T00:21:00.002-04:00

And we're back, once again, to abuse you in our usual fashion:

Current Events Sonnet #5 in D Minor

We had a day for soldiers Heaven tends
Now Clinton wishes someone else would die
Our missile plan has won no Russian friends
In South America, the hopes are high.
Tornadoes caused some damage this past week,
And famed director Pollack's also died,
But not all of the latest news is bleak;
Our very own J. Alba is a bride!
Now Burma's letting more aid workers in
As Indy hopes the fourth time is a charm
The Phoenix lander's made of epic win
We watched a giant star that bought the farm.
To those who say there's nothing on TV,
Nintendo says, "Hey, don't forget the Wii!"

If, after reading our latest sonnet, you're masochistic enough to want still more blog content...then be sure to tune in again tomorrow, when the Burns campaign will start talking BIG!

This post can probably be considered "non-canon"

2008-05-23T06:03:00.000-04:00

Big news! Jessica Alba, the running-mate of U.S. presidential candidate Paul Burns, has married movie producer Cash Warren! We at the Burns Campaign congratulate her and wish her the very best of luck in her new life.

No word yet on whether Alba's famous "no-nudity" policy will apply to her marriage as well as her movies. If so, she will likely spend her honeymoon inventively posed so as to narrowly avoid an R rating. No word yet, either, on where the honeymoon will actually take place.

In fact, practically no details at all have been revealed about the wedding, which was a small and extremely private event. What's more, the new husband himself is shrouded in secrecy; as of this writing, typing his name into Wikipedia merely redirects to Alba's page, and even the Hollywood gossip pages seem to know little about him.

So why all the hush-hush?

As with most things that happen in this country, it's part of an elaborate Machiavellian conspiracy orchestrated by Paul Burns. You see, Mr. Warren is no ordinary Hollywood pretty-boy. He is the ultimate secret weapon in this election.

Dear readers, I will let you in on a little secret. Jessica Alba's husband...is the living reincarnation of Ronald Reagan.

Sound crazy? Naturally. But Cash Warren - whose name is an anagram for "We Can Has R.R.?" - is a Hollywood producer, and who better than a producer to channel the spirit of an actor? Who better than "Cash" to hold the soul of a president known for his tax breaks? And above all, who better than a complete unknown to be the vessel for the Greatest American Ever?

With Reagan as, quite literally, a "spiritual advisor" to Paul Burns - a sort of "Teflon Obi-Wan," if you will - this candidacy is now unstoppable. Reagan's easygoing, conservative attitude will balance out Burns's more radical ideas. Throw Jessica Alba into the mix, and you have the Trifecta, the invincible combination of past, present and pseudoscientific future that will obliterate all who oppose and usher in a new Golden Age of America.

Yes, yes; it makes beautiful sense now. Come a little closer, drink the Kool-Aid. It'll all be done soon.

I, um...yeah. Anyway, enjoy your Memorial Day, and be sure to tune in again Tuesday, when we'll have our weekly Current Events Sonnet!

Does this man look smart to you?

2008-05-22T00:09:00.000-04:00

It's a pretty well-known phenomenon that in politics, no one is ever required to answer an actual question.

Now, there are a lot of reasons you might not want to answer a question. Maybe the answer is politically damaging. Maybe you're stalling for time. Maybe you simply don't know. Of course, none of those reasons could ever apply to Paul Burns, who - in addition to being omniscient - has a political platform which literally exists in a state of quantum flux. Still, for lesser men, the temptation to avoid questions is real.

And the technique is amazingly simple. If someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, just say some words that are related to whatever the subject happens to be. If they ask it again, do it again. If they call you out on it, merely claim that you did answer the question, and you can't see why they don't understand that. Time is limited; eventually they'll move on.

Except sometimes they don't.

What follows is a transcript of an actual exchange between host Chris Matthews and guest Kevin James, from the May 15 episode of the political talk show Hardball. Chris asks a question; Kevin avoids it; and over the course of three consecutive minutes, Chris repeats the exact same question a total of twenty-seven times. Ladies and gentlemen, this is no mere willful ignorance. What we are witnessing here is a mental emptiness that borders on Zen-like.

(Transcript taken from here; there's also a video.)

MATTHEWS: I want to do a little history check on you because the president‘s referring to history. He attacked those who would imitate Senator William Boar of Idaho, who was a Republican isolationist back in the late '30s, who supported whatever, some notion of getting along with Hitler better. Let me ask you, what did Chamberlain do wrong, Neville Chamberlain do wrong in 1939? What did he do wrong?

JAMES: Oh, come on. It all goes — it all goes back to appeasement.

(CROSSTALK)

MATTHEWS: No, what did he do? Tell me what he did.

JAMES: It‘s the key term. It‘s the key term.

MATTHEWS: You have to answer this question. What did he do?

(CROSSTALK)

JAMES: It‘s the same thing. It puts it all — we're talking about appeasement.

MATTHEWS: Well, tell me what he did. What did Chamberlain do wrong?

JAMES: His actions — his actions enabled...

MATTHEWS: What did Chamberlain do?

JAMES: ...energized, legitimated. It‘s the exact same — it‘s the exactly same thing.

(CROSSTALK)

MATTHEWS: I‘m not going to continue with this interview unless you answer what that thing is. What did Chamberlain do in '39? Tell me, in '38. What did he do? What did he do?

(CROSSTALK)

JAMES: Well, '38, '39, Chris. What year do you want? It doesn‘t...

MATTHEWS: What did he do?

JAMES: It doesn't — it's the exact same thing that happened, Chris.

(CROSSTALK)

MATTHEWS: What did Chamberlain...

(CROSSTALK)

JAMES: He‘s talking — he's talking — he's talking about appeasement.

MATTHEWS: What did Chamberlain do?

GREEN: Chris...

MATTHEWS: Just tell me what he did, Kevin. What did Chamberlain do you didn't like?

JAMES: Look...

MATTHEWS: What did he do?

JAMES: What Chamberlain did — what Chamberlain did that I — what the president was talking about? You just said the president was talking about — you just said the president was talking about Barack. Look...

(CROSSTALK)

MATTHEWS: No, no. I want you to tell me, Mister. You‘re making a reference to the days before our involvement in World War II, when the war in Europe began. I want you to tell me now, as an expert, what did Chamberlain do wrong?

(CROSSTALK)

JAMES: Look, you're not going to box me in here, Chris. President Bush was making that. I‘m glad — I'm glad the president...

(CROSSTALK)

MATTHEWS: You don‘t know, do you? You don‘t know what Neville Chamberlain did in Munich, do you?

JAMES: Of course. What Neville Chamberlain — yes, he was an appeaser, Chris. He was an appeaser.

MATTHEWS: What did he do?

JAMES: And it energized and it legitimatized...

(CROSSTALK)

MATTHEWS: Kevin, Kevin James, Kevin James, what did Neville Chamberlain do?

GREEN: Chris, may I try to answer?

MATTHEWS: He doesn't know. You are B.S.ing me.

(CROSSTALK)

MATTHEWS: You are talking about a critical point in American history, in European history, and you can‘t tell me what Neville Chamberlain did in Munich. What did he do in '39, '38?

JAMES: Chris, Chris, Chris, I wasn't the one that raised the Hitler comment. My point is—my point is, what President Bush has done is, he has taken this shot across the bow, all right?

(CROSSTALK)

MATTHEWS: You don‘t know what you‘re talking about, Kevin.

(CROSSTALK)

MATTHEWS: You don‘t know what you‘re talking about.

JAMES: ... know what I‘m talking about.

MATTHEWS: Tell me what Chamberlain did wrong.

JAMES: Neville Chamberlain was an appeaser, Chris. Neville Chamberlain...

MATTHEWS: What did he do?

JAMES: Neville Chamberlain was an appeaser, all right?

MATTHEWS: What did he do?

JAMES: Neville Chamberlain, his — but his policies, the things that Neville Chamberlain supported, all right energized, legitimized...

MATTHEWS: Just tell me what he did.

JAMES: ... energized, legitimized, and made it easier for Hitler to advance in the ways that he advanced.

MATTHEWS: What...

(CROSSTALK)

MATTHEWS: I have been sitting here five minutes asking you to say what the president was referring to in 1938 at Munich.

JAMES: I don‘t know what the — Chris.

MATTHEWS: You don‘t know. Thank you.

It's hideous...but I can't look away.

Anyway, be sure to tune in tomorrow, when we will make an exciting announcement!

Crazy people are crazy

2008-05-21T06:03:00.000-04:00

Perhaps you do not like either of the two remaining candidates. Perhaps you believe John McCain is a shortsighted, two-timing, economically-challenged, kitten-killing old warmonger, and Barack Obama is a dope-smoking, unpatriotic, un-Christian, puppy-killing shell of a human being. Boy, that's depressing, isn't it? I mean, you want to vote, but these are your only options? How lame is that?

"But wait!" you say. "There are more than two candidates for president! Why, I think I'll vote for a third-party candidate! These long-shot underdogs have the kind of character and principles we need to start a real dialogue for change!"

Ah, yes, the noble third-party candidate. Surely their quixotic quest for the White House will inspire us with the American dream. Let's look at some of these precious electoral gems, shall we?

Chuck Baldwin of the Constitution Party - Chuck is a radio talk show host, which is a pretty impressive start already. Mentored by Jerry Falwell? Even better! But what are his positions on the issues? Hard to say for sure, since his website doesn't actually mention them, but perhaps the website for the Constitution Party can answer our question...

Ah, here we go. The Constitution Party asks that "no further funds be appropriated for any kind of foreign aid program." Well, that makes sense - after all, Baldwin is a conservative Christian, and it was Jesus who said, "You know those desperately, unbelievably poor people in other countries? Don't help them at all."

But I'm sure Mr. Baldwin has a good reason for not giving any sort of relief to the literally millions of Burmese who are starving to death under the heel of an oppressive military regime. Let's see what it is...ah, yes:

"There is no constitutional basis for foreign aid."

Hm...it's a valid point, but it does come across as sort of stupid, and inaccurate. Maybe we could help them out by revising a bit?

"Although foreign aid represents the most basic form of human decency, there is no constitutional basis for it, except for in Article I, Section 8 of the U.S. Constitution."

Much better!

Bob Barr of the Libertarian Party - Okay, so Bob Barr isn't the official nominee just yet. But he is a Libertarian, and Libertarians want to keep the government out of people's lives.

So it makes sense that he wrote the Defense of Marriage Act, tried to get the Pentagon to bar Wiccans from the military, and pushed to outlaw the horrors of medicinal marijuana.

Look - it's complicated.

Gene Amondson of the Prohibition Party - Now this is a candidate who has thought things through.

Position on alcohol? Alcohol should be banned.

Position on education? Alcohol should be banned.

Position on civil rights? Alcohol should be banned.

Position on the Iraq War? Alcohol should be banned.

Position on negotiating with rogue nations? This is a complex and multifacted issue that must be approached on a case-by-case basis, resisting the temptation to let empty rhetoric sway our views. Also, alcohol should be banned.

In conclusion: The only constitutional amendment to actually be overturned by another constitutional amendment? Yeah. We want it back.

Brian Moore of the Socialist Party USA - If you're having trouble finding his website...just google "Brian Moore." It'll be the second result that comes up. Right after Brian Moore Guitars.

If you're having trouble believing that a $15/hour minimum wage, a 30-hour work week, and the abolishment of the CIA would solve our nation's problems...well, that's tougher.

John Taylor Bowles of the National Socialist Order of America - Yes, we have an actual Nazi running for President in 2008. No, I am not kidding.

In conclusion: what kind of president would you like to have in 2008? If you answered, "I'd like a president who has positions on more than one issue, lists these positions on his actual website, doesn't want to dismantle the CIA, doesn't change his positions every five years, and isn't a Nazi," then vote Burns!

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when we'll take a look at someone in politics who isn't crazy. Just horribly, horribly stupid.

Are sonnets covered under the Geneva Convention?

2008-05-20T00:10:00.004-04:00

That's right; much like Hillary Clinton herself, we just won't f***ing stop.

Current Events Sonnet #4 in D Minor

So Clinton got the West Virginia win,
Obama got John Edwards and his crew,
McCain's keen eyes have seen past 2010,
Meanwhile the war goes on; what else is new?
In China, millions weep for thousands dead
In Burma, no surprise, things still are rough
And in South Africa, still more have bled.
Bin Laden thinks we haven't killed enough.
Our president was in the Middle East
Bestowing peace and liberty for free
Our senator is not quite yet deceased
He's shaken but unstirred, just like the Wii.
In California, things are getting gay;
At least one Trekkie knows that that's okay.

Well, that's enough for one post. Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will explain why third-party candidates (aside from himself, of course) never get any votes!

Experiencing technical difficulties

2008-05-19T05:56:00.003-04:00

...please check back tomorrow. Don't worry, we promise everyone a full refund!

In the meantime, have a chuckle.

The source of his power...revealed!

2008-05-16T00:01:00.002-04:00

...but is this an illegal alien?

Be sure to tune in Monday, when Paul Burns will deliver his weekly Current Events Sonnet!

A word from the veep

2008-05-15T06:03:00.000-04:00

Hi everyone! It's me, Jessica Alba, Paul Burns's running-mate in the 2008 US presidential election. I thought I'd do a post to talk a little about who I am and what I bring to the campaign, and let you, the voters, get to know me better. So, let's do it! W00t!

(I don't know what that means. They said a lot of nerds read this blog or something. That's cool! Nerds are people too! Also, candy!)

Anyway, the main point I want to address is that I feel like a lot of people don't take me seriously as a politician. They objectify me - you know? Now, it's somewhat understandable, since of course I am, how can I say this, hotter than the sun. But people, come on! I am an intelligent person, with thoughts and feelings of my own - not just some picture for you to click on!

That's what this post is all about - getting you to see me as a human being, not an image.

Now of course, some might say to me: "Jessica, you have no political experience at all! What makes you think you're qualified for a job where you may be called upon to run a country?" Great question, hypothetical voter! Let me give you my answer.

You see, as an actress, I have had to get deeply in tune with human nature. I understand how people think - how they speak - how they behave. I can pick up on subtle visual cues from world leaders that an untrained eye might miss. I can deliver uplifting, inspiring speeches. And there's more.

My role in Sin City has prepared me to deal with crime. In Fantastic Four, I learned important techniques for national defense, and also how to make myself physically invisible. In Good Luck Chuck, I learned...well, okay, I didn't learn anything in Good Luck Chuck.

But look - actresses make good presidents! Ronald Reagan was an actor, and he was the Greatest American Of All Time, Ever (no, I'm not kidding). And he was old! I'm young, and I'm very excited about serving my country.

Remember: I'm a person, not a picture! Vote Burns!

P.S. Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will talk about some kind of...political...stuff. Or something. Look, whatever, just make sure you read it okay?

Beating inflation, metaphorically

2008-05-14T00:49:00.001-04:00

A lot of people these days are asking Paul Burns this question: "What would you, as President, do about inflation?" And a lot of other people are saying: "How could you, as President, do anything about inflation, since by your own admission you know nothing about economics?"

I answer both of these questions with a resounding yes.

You see, inflation is all about money. (Not so dumb after all, eh, "experts?") The more money you have, the more inflated you are. This is why rich people tend to be fatter. Contrapositively, the less inflation you have, the less money there is; ipso facto, the answer to the inflation problem is getting rid of money.

How precisely does one get rid of money, without actually spending it?

Well, the Federal "Burn Your Dollar Bills in a Big Heap" Initiative has thus far not met with much success; nor has the Federal "Are You Allergic to Pictures of Benjamin Franklin? Why Risk It" Campaign. Certainly getting rid of the penny would help, but that is a one-time thing, and we can't just keep getting rid of coins forever.

Of course, there is only one logical solution.

That's right: we need slipperier money.

See, when someone accidentally drops a coin - or a dollar bill - and it goes down a drain or a dog eats it or a hobo burns it for fuel or whatever, that money is lost to society. But people don't drop them that often! Paper bills are, well, paper, and coins have those abominable ridges around the edge. What we need is a coating - a lubricant, if you will - to make coin-dropping a more frequent occurrence. Joe Schmo drops his quarter trying to get a soda, money supply decreases, inflation goes down, bam! Everybody wins.

But wait, you say. Won't slippery money make people really, really mad? Won't that be a really unpopular idea?

Oh, right, of course. I forgot. Because you can't do that in politics.

Be sure to tune in again tomorrow, when Paul Burns's running-mate Jessica Alba will make a special guest post!

The good (?) life

2008-05-13T06:04:00.000-04:00

When you're running for president, you live in a different world than the little people. That's hard for some folks to understand, but it's true. People come up to you on the street and say things like, "Hey! Here is a hundred dollars," or "Thank you for saving my son's life; how can I ever repay you?" These are just examples, of course; they may or may not have actually happened. Probably. You don't know.

But it isn't all free money and non sequitur praise; the electorate, selfish peons that they are, make demands. They want things.

Listen. What do you think, that the government exists to serve the people? Seriously.

Anyway, the biggest request, repeated over and over like some sort of hypothetical fractured musical disc...object, is: "Will you be the commencement speaker for our school's graduation?"

And the answer is, yes, because you only graduate once. Unless you go to college. But there are rules.

First, Paul Burns decides when your graduation date is. Not you. Do you think he has time to fit his schedule into your schedule? Um, he's campaigning to be President. Of the United States. What are you doing? Teaching? Yeah, good luck with that.

Second, it will not be cheap. However, because Mr. Burns recognizes that not all universities are as affluent as they would be had they pursued other, more meaningful endeavors, he has kindly provided the following price gradient so that each client can find a solution for his/her/its budget:

$10,000 - Distinctly uninspiring
$20,000 - Moderately uninspiring
$31,415.92 - Inspiration. But they'll have to work for it.
$50,000 - A speech that comes so near to inspiration, so heartbreakingly close, that when your students realize that what they thought were their dreams are in fact the deluded imaginings of a futureless, prospectless, deeply indebted soul, it will be much, much worse than had he not spoken at all.
$51,000 - Sublime

Third rule of grad speech: you do not talk about grad speech.

Ha ha! Fight Club reference, everyone.

But seriously, you can't tell anyone about the speech at all. Because that would be plagiarism. And the punishments for plagiarism can be quite...inventive.

Or at least, they will be.

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will tackle inflation metaphorically.

Yes, we are still making these

2008-05-12T05:55:00.001-04:00

And you thought the first two Current Events Sonnets were bad!

Current Events Sonnet #3 in D Minor

Obama rules in superdelegates
Now that the Carolina stats are in;
McCain is glad to match his rival's wits.
It's cute that Clinton still thinks she can win.
There's no good news for Burma's struggling poor
Beirut is likewise fighting for its life
On Mother's Day, maternal spirits soar
The daughter of our Chief becomes a wife.
Anonymous continues kicking butt
As James says sayonara to the cult;
The Racer is in something of a rut -
The Ferrous Wonder gets another jolt.
Each drop of gas gets harder to replace...
A pelican hits someone in the face.

...and that's a wrap (till next week, at least).

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will discuss his policy on giving graduation speeches!

About time we cleared that up

2008-05-09T00:01:00.004-04:00

This is it, people - moment of truth. In an unprecedented move, Paul Burns is going to reveal the very Meaning of Life Itself.

Now, you probably think he's going to pull some kind of a cheap cop-out, right? An easy answer? Something like "42," or a dictionary definition, or a weak Monty Python reference. Or maybe you figured we would say something lame like "Everyone finds his own meaning," or "Do unto others," or "Just be good people." Or we could have just said that there is no answer, or claimed that your purpose is to vote for Paul Burns, or just shown you a hot picture of his running-mate.

Yes, we could have done any of those things. But you know what? You deserve better. This nation...deserves better. And tonight, we are going to find out for real.

And we're going to look into our hearts, where we knew the answer lay all along.

Children of the world, be at peace. For the meaning of life...is kittens.

Have a great weekend, and be sure to tune in Monday, when (as always) we will wrap up the week's news...sonnet style!

Putting the "BS" back in "SDUNTBS"

2008-05-08T05:57:00.000-04:00

Much is made these days of "protecting national security." Which brings up a troubling point: how exactly does one protect security? Doesn't security mean that the item in question is, well, secure? If security isn't protected, then there's nothing to protect! It's like trying to moisturize wetness.

I digress.

In the interests of, let's say, maintaining national security, the United States government has established a hierarchical structure of document security classification. We've got:

Unclassified. A document classified as unclassified? Well played, Mr. Hoover. Anyway, this pretty much means that anyone can read it. Examples: Your Myspace page. Unfortunately.
Confidential. Protected by basic security, but if confiscated, may be read aloud to the whole class. Examples: DO YOU LIKE ME? Y/N
Secret. This is where, like, ok, no joke you seriously can't tell anyone, not even kidding. Examples: Omigosh Kyle's brother said Nikki is like totally hott!!
Top Secret. It's like secret...but more. Examples: Oh that's very clever...wouldn't you like to know?

To keep the public safe, Paul Burns proposes a new level of classification: Super Double Ultimate No Take-Backs Secret, or SDUNTBS. SDUNTBS would cover Area 51, the Kennedy assassination, the plot of Robert Jordan's last book, the precise location of Dick Cheney's heart, the source code for Office 2007, and the actual meanings of everything Alan Greenspan has ever said.

And if you leak a SDUNTBS secret?

Oh, they'll find you...and it won't be pretty.

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will in fact reveal the meaning of Life Itself!

Putting the "bib" back in "biblioteca"

2008-05-07T06:00:00.002-04:00

Some say that when Obama went after McCain while still battling Clinton, it was a sign of overconfidence. Paul Burns would like to respectfully disagree. You want overconfidence? Paul Burns isn't just going after McCain - he's planning his own Presidential Library.

You have to be careful with that kind of planning, though - you don't want to end up as with the first ever all-Kindle Wifi Chief Executive Hotspot or anything like that. So we took a tour of the current PLs, and here's what we came up with.

First off, let's not mince words - Reagan's library is frickin' sweet. Yeah, he has the life-size replica of the Oval Office, that's standard. But check it out: he has his Air Force One jet in the library. (We'll do the Air Force Zero, of course.) He has an F-14 Tomcat. Let me just say that again. His library has an F-14 Tomcat. Aside from equipping your archives with an actual functioning thermonuclear warhead, I'm really not sure that can be improved upon. And of course, the way they glossed over the whole Iran-Contra scandal...thing, was pretty cool too. Now, Paul Burns has a scapegoat for all his peccadilloes, but even so...let's sweep as much under the rug as we can, shall we?

But enough about Ron. Let's talk Lincoln. His library is a late player in the game, but it's sporting life-sized, realistic statues of him and his buddies just doing their crazy thing. There's really nothing that says "idolize me" quite like a three-dimensional image of oneself, and it's good to see that crucial principle getting a little love. Also, it sets an important precedent by encouraging ugly people not to spend too much time around Paul Burns. That's right: your ugliness might get immortalized.

The other presidents have their highlights too, naturally. Kennedy's library has the Actual For-Serious Presidential Coconut, Nixon's library has its very own scandal, and Coolidge's library...well, it sure does have a lot of books.

But Paul Burns has always been a little different, and he wants to make sure his own library has lots to offer that's unique. So, after lengthy consideration, he's now ready to announce that the Paul Burns Presidential Library, Archive, and Video Arcade will be the first ever to feature:

A mile-high statue of himself (take that, Burj Dubai!)
A holographic reenactment of each and every moment of his life, without abridgment, from conception onward
A suggested donation of $100 to the Paul Burns Fund Charitable Fund For the Betterment of Paul Burns
Guards with Uzis to suggest donations
This

And, of course, half-price drinks on Thursday. Because Thursday is like Friday...for Friday.

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when [TOP SECRET] and [CLASSIFIED] with a [GTFO].

Yes, this actually happened

2008-05-06T06:06:00.002-04:00

Although the Presidential Fish Slapper has not yet begun her official duties, she has found her first target. The Fish Slapper, as you know, has been charged with identifying instances of incredible stupidity and striking the offenders with a fish, both to satisfy karma and to make an example for others. And folks, we've got one that's fishworthy.

Last week, a man in Fort Worth, Texas, walked into a bank and tried to cash a personal check for $360 billion.

Let's try and put this into perspective. Say you had a stack of ten hundred-dollar bills. Now say you took a thousand of those stacks and put them into a big chest. Now say someone gave you a thousand of those chests every day for a year. Folks, this is more money than Warren Buffet, Bill Gates, and all the Rockefellers combined; this would be $54 from every man, woman and child on our planet.

Yes, the guy appears to be a pothead (big shocker), but I want to believe there is a certain point at which that ceases to be an excuse. What part of your brain tells you this is an acceptable amount of money to request from a bank teller? For, you know, a record company?

While science may never know the answer, it is Paul Burns's profound hope that the offending cerebral particle will be dislodged by the impact of an eight-pound trout to the left frontal lobe. Repeated blows may be necessary.

But don't worry, folks. It's not like she'll enjoy it or anything.

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when you (yes, you) can find out what Paul Burns has in store for his Presidential Library!

As if the first one wasn't bad enough

2008-05-05T00:01:00.000-04:00

And now, the news!

Current Events Sonnet #2 in D Minor

The government in Burma's good with guns,
With helping after cyclones, not so much,
Poor Gates finds Yahoo doesn't want his funds;
Perhaps some other friends will be in touch.
The Dragon and the Lama had a talk
We're hoping they will end up BFF -
We also think new superheroes rock;
The deadline came and went for blaming Jeff.
The President is at a record nadir
And Nader isn't doing very hot;
While Clinton wants to make Iran a crater,
McCain is pretty pleased with what he's got.
Now Indiana has the nation's focus
They're ready for their stunning non-event;
Another movie's armed with hocus-pocus -
Perhaps that's where the rebates will be spent.
And good ol' Ronnie's looking to be king
That is, um, if you like that sort of thing.

Be sure to tune in again tomorrow, when someone will get slapped with a fish!

Step 4: Revise Step 2

2008-05-02T00:27:00.004-04:00

Every luminary has his critics, and Paul Burns is no exception. Some say his plan for attaining the presidency is poorly planned, while others claim it does not even exist. The fact of the matter is that before today, the Burns Campaign's overall strategy simply had not been revealed. Well, wonder no more. The path to D.C. is unveiled at last!

What you say? Internet memes?! No this is not plagiarized!!

Anyway...be sure to tune in Monday, when Paul Burns will deliver his weekly news-sonnet.

Winning hearts and minds

2008-05-01T05:54:00.002-04:00

Paul Burns: supremely intelligent, unimaginably wealthy, master of politics, oratory, law, all science, and the culinary arts. But what goes on behind those implacable, vaguely sinister eyes? We delve into the inner workings of the candidate's mind in this, his first-ever interview.

Burns For America: Thanks for being here, Mr. Burns.

Paul Burns: Thank you for having me.

BFA: So what made you decide to run for president?

PB: Well, as you know, I'm supremely intelligent, unimaginably wealthy, master of politics, oratory, all science, and the culinary arts. Also, my first and last names are each only one syllable, thus making them easy to pronounce. This is a feat previously achieved by only three presidents: James Polk, George Bush, and George Bush.

BFA: What about Bill Taft?

PB: Don't get cute.

BFA: How do you respond to allegations that you are not eligible to be president, as you are not yet thirty-five years old?

PB: Once elected, I will amend the Constitution to retroactively make my election legal.

BFA: Is there any precedent for that?

PB: After I do it, there will be.

BFA: What do you think is the biggest issue facing America today?

PB: Hard to say. I guess...well, probably ambivalence. I mean, some would say apathy, but I don't really care about that.

BFA: What advice would you give to our nation's young people?

PB: Grow up.

BFA: Is that all?

PB: Well, I wouldn't get too attached to the Twenty-second Amendment, either.

BFA: You've come out very strongly pro-kitten. What is it about kittens, precisely, that makes you support them so much?

PB: When I was four years old, a kitten saved my mother from wolves. They were Nazi wolves. With chainsaws.

BFA: What made you choose Jessica Alba as a running-mate?

PB: "PB&J: Spread the word."

BFA: Are you suggesting that you chose your future vice president solely on the basis of her first initial, for the purpose of making a pun?

PB: Well, she's also pretty hot.

BFA: Are you concerned that that answer might alienate female voters?

PB: There are female voters? Since when?

BFA: 1920.

PB: Wilson. Figures.

BFA: What would you say in answer to the criticism of your plan to blow up the moon, which has been met with - and I quote - "absolutely universal derision," one critic going so far as to call it "the single worst idea I have ever heard, ever, period."

PB: See, that depends, because maybe he just hasn't heard a lot of ideas. If the only ideas he's ever heard are this, and, like, root beer floats, then of course the root beer floats are going to win. You just can't beat that.

BFA: I imagine he's also heard of the concept of language, given that he communicated his criticism in English.

PB: Yeah, language is pretty cool too.

BFA: What do you think are your odds of winning? Do you consider yourself even remotely electable?

PB: Well, let me think about that. Hm, while I'm thinking, maybe I should get a drink of lemonade. Ah. This is tasty. You should try some. No, really, go on - it's delicious. No? You sure? Well then how about a nice tall glass of shut the hell up.

BFA: O RLY?

PB: YA RLY.

BFA: Hypothetically, which state in the U.S. do you think we could most afford to lose?

PB: Well, the states are like my children - they're all loved equally, I mean, you can't pick just one. But of course, if I had to pick, it would be Boston.

BFA: Boston is not a state.

PB: You're not a state.

BFA: Correct. I am a person.

PB: Your face is a person.

BFA: I...Mr. Burns, I'm at a loss.

PB: I win!

BFA: Indeed you do.

Well, there you have it - the first (and possibly last!) ever interview with Paul Burns.

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will explain his strategy for attaining the White House!

Putting their money where their mouth is

2008-04-30T00:26:00.001-04:00

Paul Burns would like to commend the city of Chicago. They exemplify that perfect combination of ingenuity, audacity, and plain old-fashioned hard work that has made America great. And their latest project exemplifies these noble qualities in full.

What project is that, you ask?

The Chicago Spire:

The Spire is planned to be longer - er, taller - than any building in the world currently standing. The structure will be fully erected in 2011 and should offer all visitors a pleasurable entry point to the Windy City. Residents of the building should find great happiness entering and exiting the building day after day, year after year, long after their relationships with others (say, their boyfriends) have turned sour.

A design like this is hard to come by, but the textured, ridged, spiraling shape is sure to inspire gasps of excitement from those experiencing it for the first time. Some will no doubt want to make the trip from base to tip and back again many times, in order to fully grasp the structure's magnificence. And while a newcomer may at first be overwhelmed by their initial insertion into the building, long-time residents will confirm that the excursion's climax doesn't come until the very end.

Size doesn't matter, though, which is why we Americans aren't too concerned with the United Arab Emirates' latest project: the Burj Dubai.

Sure, it's going to be 600 feet taller than Chicago's tower. But look at it. Ours is just... well...

Ours is gentler.

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will publish his first-ever interview!

Free Apple Quiches!

2008-04-29T16:53:00.003-04:00

So we've gotten a lot of new readers lately, and it seemed like we ought to put together a FAQ. Well, here it is.

Q. Who is Paul Burns?

A. Paul Burns is a candidate for President of the United States in the 2008 election.

Q. For real?

A. Sure, why not? Check out his biography. There's even a picture!

Q. No, I mean, for real in real life?

A. Ah, why didn't you say so? For the answer to that, you should check out this page.

Q. What party does Paul Burns belong to?

A. Paul Burns is not affiliated with any political party. In the past, he has been affiliated with certain non-political parties, but these were usually over by 1 AM.

Q. What is Paul Burns's stance on [insert issue here]?

A. See for yourself.

Q. Paul Burns's opinion on [issue] is different than mine!

A. No it isn't.

Q. Who is his running-mate?

A. Jessica Alba.

Q. What's their slogan?

A. PB&J: Spread the Word.

Q. That's clever.

A. We try.

Q. Who are his advisors? Does he have a Cabinet in mind? Who are his biggest rivals?

A. All is revealed.

Q. I hate Paul Burns and I want to destroy him! What should I do?

A. Sorry, but all three of our current Axis of Evil spots are already filled. It's an exclusive club; you're not the first to want in.

Q. I love Paul Burns and I want to support him! What should I do?

A. Link to us on your website! Leave comments! Tell your friends! Send us encouraging e-mail! And, when the time comes, vote Burns! The only thing we don't require is money, as Paul Burns is already fabulously wealthy. And handsome.

Q. I have a question I want to ask Paul Burns, or an issue I'd like him to address.

A. Fantastic! Send it in, and if we like it, we'll answer it on the blog.

Q. How do I contact you guys?

A. All questions / comments / suggestions / hate mail should be e-mailed to: BurnsForAmerica [at] gmail [dot] com

Q. What's the square root of two?

A. Now you're just being irrational.

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? ...no?

2008-04-29T05:51:00.002-04:00

It's a common problem these days: you want to keep up with current events, but you just don't have the time! If you're like most Americans, you're probably thinking, "I want a quick, easy way to keep up with my news. And I want it in fourteen lines or less."

"And dammit, I want it in iambic pentameter."

Let's rock and roll:

Current Events Sonnet #1 in D Minor

The Reverend Wright says "Damn America,"
Obama says, "He's great, but he's insane."
And in the District of Columbia
Our Number One's got Israel on the brain.
Our housing market's sliding down the tubes
While Rowling's getting testy with a fan,
Anonymous is pwning Hubbard's n00bs
Some Texans want three girls for every man.
Hamas considers Carter's dialogue,
The price of gas, ascendant, causes woe,
Beijing thinks runners like inhaling smog,
South Africa tells China where to go.
Mugabe still thinks "voting" means "repression"
But hey, at least we're not in a recession!

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will talk about Chicago's embarrassing little problem.

Wait wait, don't tell me

2008-04-28T00:00:00.001-04:00

Good news, everybody! We found a loophole in the Bill of Rights!

Okay so check it out, the Eighth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution:

"Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted."

Notice the wording. Not "cruel or unusual" - it says "cruel and unusual." You know what this means, right? The stuff we do to criminals can be as weird as we want, as long as we're not actually being evil about it.

This changes everything!

I mean, come on, the legal system could be so much more fun. Why, just imagine the possibilities:

Paris Hilton - to be placed under the authority of a third-grade math teacher until such time as she shall demonstrate the ability to successfully multiply and divide single-digit numbers
Wesley Snipes - to perform "I'm a Little Teapot" once for each dollar withheld in federal income taxes
Eliot Spitzer - to have the word "IRONY" tattooed on his bald spot

Martha Stewart - to have her house redecorated by Little Richard

Barry Bonds - to learn the complete chemical formula for anabolic steroids

Alberto Gonzales - to be legally renamed "Speedy Gonzales" - referring, of course, to the rate at which he is able to purge facts from his long-term memory.

On second thought, maybe some of those actually are kind of cruel. Well, we're new at this, perhaps we need some help. If you have any creatively humane criminal punishments, post them in the comments.

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will get you up to speed on current events, in a fun and exciting way!

+5 to your Happy stat

2008-04-26T12:38:00.001-04:00

Some of Paul Burns's supporters have blogs. Sometimes we read those blogs.

Sometimes, those blogs have stuff that is pretty cool.

That is all.

All about the Jeffersons

2008-04-25T05:55:00.002-04:00

Presidential campaign finance laws are complex. You've got hard money, soft money, private contributions, public financing, money for primaries, money for the general election...look, nobody actually understands how it works. Not even the candidates get it. They just take all the money they can, and if another candidate gets more than them, they say a law was broken. Paul Burns doesn't know how it works either.

And what Paul Burns doesn't understand, he reforms.

Forget the old system. Throw it out. There's a new sherriff in town, and his campaign finace system goes like this:

Unlimited contributions are allowed on September 19.
Personal checks with background pictures of one's own children are not allowed under any circumstances.
The candidate's mother may give him or her up to thirty-five dollars per week, if he or she promises not to spend it all in one place.
Any coins a magician "finds" behind a candidate's ear are permissible so long as the candidate does not figure out the trick.
Wishing wells are fair game.
All Mafia contributions must be thoroughly laundered.
If the dollar amount of the contribution is even, it must be paid in two-dollar bills (except as provided by Rule 8).
If the dollar amount of the contribution is over $1,000 it must be paid in buffalo nickels.
There is no Rule 9.
Candidates may keep all money obtained via Deal Or No Deal, Jeopardy, and Wheel of Fortune, but not Survivor.
Rules 3-5 only apply on Tuesdays, except as provided by Rule 9.
No individual may give any candidate more than $3,141,592,265 in a single day.
Candidates may be excused from Rule 12 if they look guilty enough.
There is no Rule 12.

There, that ought to keep you people happy.

Be sure to tune in Monday, when Paul Burns will discuss the Eighth Amendment. Yeah, that's right, the Eighth. You want to fight about it?

An instance of sesquipedalianism

2008-04-24T00:08:00.000-04:00

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one presidential candidate to distinguish himself unequivocally from his compatriots, myriad potentialities await his perusal. Yet the selection of a suitable gambit, diminutive in its execution, is brobdingnagian in its consequence.

But whatever the stratagem, literary eloquence is perforce a necessity. Extinct, now, is the constituency that accepts an ipse dixit of supremacy; the bloviate candidate will find his endeavors filipendulous, and be forced to absquatulate, lest he face floccinaucinihilipilification. The eristic candidate, likewise, will be perceived as bellicose, a pugilist with greater proclivity toward fistiana than productive discourse; nor will the proletariat submit to an indecisive candidate, whose tropophobia will lead him to bumbling oratory perambulations, endless anacoluthons, and inclinations metamorphosing hebdomadally.

Paul Burns, therefore, founds his nikhedonia on his superlative lexicon, his luculent prose, and his agnogenic (but self-evident) cerebral refulgence. Of quaternary (but nonetheless central) importance are his coadjutants, who incandesce like faculae upon Paul's puissance - metaphorically of course.

They include:

A confidante of aspect both callipygous and bathycolpian
A luminary who chastises nescient badauds once per nychthemeron
An advisor whose galeanthropy is justified

Though his ubiquitous adversaries warray him with assaults both facinorous and jejune, Paul Burns declines to riposte their hubris with jactancy - nor meet their missteps with schadenfreude. Not for him the fimicolous paradigm of self-aggrandizement! He stands for the obolary - the vagient - the calvous. His government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth!

Also: yesterday he bought a thesaurus.

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will explain his thoughts on campaign finance reform, using small words.

Fly the friendly skies, and also Kashyyyk

2008-04-23T05:57:00.000-04:00

What's the best thing about being President of the United States?

No, besides the nukes. And the chicks. And the eternal place in history. And the massive, massive inflow of cash.

Okay what I'm getting at here is Air Force One. When you're President, you get to ride in Air Force One, and it's awesome. I mean, they actually give you your own personal Boeing 747. Two of them, in fact. Can you even imagine how cool that would be? Think about your first car, how excited you were to suddenly be able to drive to Slick's Video Store whenever you felt like it. Now imagine your new car is the length of three blue whales and cruises at nine-tenths the speed of sound, and "Slick's Video Store" is Geneva.

See why Paul Burns wants to be President?

But if there's one thing we Americans want, it's more. And as cool as AFO is, Mr. Burns nonetheless finds it a bit...lacking. Aluminum alloy? So last century. Lack of hover? Please. It's time the President got a ride that's a little more...presidential.

Enter the Air Force Zero. An Incom T-65 X-wing starfighter, modified to include HDTV, fuzzy dice, and a tactical nuclear warhead, will serve as Mr. Burns's conveyance of choice. Its advanced capabilities, including hyperdrive, planetary orbit, atmospheric reentry, defense shields, and blasters, will enable the President to execute his duties more easily: to negotiate with other statesmen far across the galaxy, and, if necessary, blow them into tiny tiny pieces. The Air Force Zero will also be useful in ensuring compliance with our administration's Death Star policy.

So, who are you going to vote for: the candidate flying the fighter that won the Battle of Yavin, or the candidate who bent his Wookiee?

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will dazzle you with his literary prowess!

It tastes likes Burns-ing

2008-04-22T05:59:00.001-04:00

Perhaps you've heard by now that Ralph Wiggum is running for President.

Take a look at his campaign home page. Go on, look around; there's no harm in it, right? Yes, take your time, savor its vibrant colors, its sweet and heady aroma. A brave new candidate, untainted by scandal or criticism. Exuberant. Uncynical. Refreshing.

Done yet?

Ralph Wiggum is the Devil Incarnate.

Oh, he seems innocent enough. After all, what could be more faultless, more unassuming, than an eight-year-old boy? What, indeed. Beneath that youthful exterior beats a twisted Machiavellian heart. But don't take my word for it. Examine his platform yourself:

His slogan – “I Dig the Wig” An extraordinarily subtle reference to the Whig Party, formed in opposition to an unpopular President who overextended the power of the Executive. Sound familiar? Oh yes indeed. But the Whig party destroyed itself in the end through its own divisiveness, and at length grew so putrid that Abraham Lincoln quit it in shame. No wonder Mr. Wiggum chooses not to make such statements overtly.

His stance on immigration – “Stranger danger!” It's every candidate's dream: appeal to the basest instincts of mankind, play off his fears, turns him against his closest neighbors in his fanatical devotion to your cause. But how to do so without coming off as a racist warmonger? Simple: cloak your hateful message in the lexicon of a harmless young boy, say it in a singsong voice, and make it rhyme. Oscar the Grouch would be proud.

His stance on foreign relations – “When we’re mad we’ll use our words. Then the rest of the world will play nice with us. And the only boom-booms will be in our pants.” And what words would those be, Mr. Wiggum? Are we speaking, perhaps, of appeasement? And I hardly think the Woman's Christian Temperance Union would approve of boom-booms in our pants.

His stance on ethics – “I’m Ralph Wiggum and I’ve been a good boy.” Have you, Mr. Wiggum, have you?

Citizens, this "Wiggum" is an even greater threat to our nation's prosperity than Cthulhu, a more potent foe even than the Axis. He must be stopped. Join me, and we will rule the galaxy as father and son!!

I mean...

Look, just don't vote for him, okay?

Anyway - be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will make his campaign more aerodynamic!

Peter Jennings would have stopped them

2008-04-21T00:14:00.004-04:00

Betraid, indeed. O cruel world, that hath such iniquities in't! But then, the life of a kitten is a difficult one, fraught with many perils arising from its inherent cuteness. And we witness today one of the very cruelest such exploitations: LOLcats.

The name itself gives an immediate clue as to the kind of wickedness going on. Innocent kittens, played cruelly for laughs, and decent English grammar made a mockery of! Why, it's unconscionable. Just look at these hideous samples of kitten injustice ("kittinjustice" for short) -

Real and painful cat disabilities callously mocked

Natural cheerfulness cynically lampooned

Legitimate feline contributions to computer science needlessly belittled

Cat violence shamelessly glorified

And, perhaps most horrible of all, an instance of ailurophagy offered as a joke

Friends, ailurophagy is very real, and it is anything but funny. Its awful specter has already tainted Canadian politics; how long till its influence is felt here as well? Already we can see the beginnings of its Stateside malfeasance.

O Canada, you do your part to stop the horror, we'll do ours. And in the meantime, could you let us borrow Ryan North for a few months? Please? We'll let you have Scott Kurtz!

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will take aim at a heretofore-unrevealed political rival!

I believe the spelling you're looking for is "phat"

2008-04-18T00:02:00.003-04:00

Every President has a legacy.

I can prove it! Hit the link below, and listen to the MP3 (the one that says "The Presidents"):

Click ye here

Pretty sweet, no? And it really makes you think about your place in history. I mean, our 27th President - a man who was strongly anti-war but understood the perils of pacifism, a man who politically outmaneuvered Theodore Roosevelt, a man who sacrificed his life's ambition in order to serve people who were not even his countrymen, a man who founded a dynasty, a man who personally (and successfully) negotiated with the Vicar of Christ - had his Presidential term summarized as follows:

"Taft was big and fat and had a mustache."

Meanwhile his predecessor, who actually thought that killing thousands of Filipinos was good for the Philippines, has his face on Mount Rushmore. It's a fine line, apparently.

Paul Burns, of course, has his own legacy to consider. But if good Presidenting can't guarantee a good legacy, what can? Well, if history is any judge, you need to get into a war - and you need to win it. Washington, Lincoln, Wilson, FDR, Truman - these are the guys you hear about. You don't so much have to be good (though it doesn't hurt) - you have to make America look good.

So, to summarize: find a comparatively weak and unpopular nation, come up with a just cause, go to war, take 'em out = Good Legacy.

Funny how it always comes back to nuking France.

Be sure to tune in on Monday, when Paul Burns will discuss ailurophagy!

...and for the active lifestyle, give somnambulism a try

2008-04-17T06:30:00.002-04:00

And now, a word from the candidate.

"Hi, I'm Paul Burns!

You know, it isn't easy getting enough sleep these days. There are so many distractions! Work...driving the daughter to rugby practice, the son to ballet...responding to each and every comment on your LiveJournal...crafting elaborate schemes to convert blog posts directly into cash. It can be tough! But I'm running for President (of the USA, no less) and I still get eight, nine, sometimes fifteen hours of sleep at night. How do I do it?

What, you say? This isn't Oprah? It's not my job, as President, to solve your everyday personal problems? Ha-ha! Still living in the 1920s, are we? Oh, how wrong you are. Modern Americans expect the President to solve all their problems, no matter how minute! And they should. I mean, let's face it: you people are dapper and good-looking, but do you really expect me to believe you can function without the federal government's intervention? Please.

So like I was saying: the secret to getting a good night's sleep. Well, my friends, the secret to getting a good night's sleep is to lie. (Hehe - no, not lie down, although that would indeed be an excellent pun.) Think about it. What cuts into your sleep? Responsibilities, right? So lie about them! For example:

Daughter: "Mommy, why didn't you read me a bedtime story last night?"
You: "Oh, sorry, sweetie. Mommy contracted a sudden illness and didn't want to get her children sick!"

Or this:

Boss: "You're late."
You: "Oh, it was terrible - they just came out of nowhere, bullets flying. Pandas with AKs, never seen anything like it before."

Or even:

Surgeon: "Doctor, you were supposed to be here three hours ago! This patient had a triple quadruple cerebral meltdown dysfunction! In the name of all that is good, why, Doctor, why, why, WHY?"
You: "Cerebral what now?"

Of course, while I am all for this strategy for you, please be assured that I myself do not lie in any way, shape, or form. After all, if there's one thing Americans expect from their Presidents even more than hand-holding, it's honesty.

Peace out."

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will in fact rock your socks off.

Lennon would be proud

2008-04-16T05:57:00.001-04:00

You know, it's funny. Everyone wants world peace. Everyone! Even the people who are out there doing the shooting, the killing, they want world peace too. They're only killing to prevent the other killers from doing their killing. Killers killing killers killing killers killing... It almost seems as though, if we could just get everyone to stop killing, all at once, then nobody would have a reason to keep doing it anymore.

Naïve idealism? Well, yeah. We're a presidential campaign. It's, like, what we do.

What we need is a distraction. Something to take the minds of the world's armies/terrorists/insurgents/Halo-players off of violence just long enough to break the cycle. Something so overwhelmingly benevolent, so inherently nonviolent, so completely reassuring, that they will have no choice but to lay down their arms (and, presumably, their guns).

But what, you ask, what is there that could possibly fill such a role?

My friends, it is not for nothing that Paul Burns has consistently supported his feline compatriots; it is not for nothing that his National Security Advisor comes from their very ranks. In these times of crisis, for the sake of world peace...we must look to the kittens.

Squads of kittens will be dispatched to North Korea, Zimbabwe, Pakistan, Iraq, Sri Lanka, all the violent and war-torn regions of the world. These animals, specially trained by the Navy SEALs and Green Berets, will utilize the very latest in precision cuteness technology. They will overwhelm their targets with adorability, unleashing such a massive quantity of sweetness, cuddliness, and sheer gosh-darn-it cuteness that those engaged in violence will have no choice but to surrender.

This strategy, dubbed "Shock and Awww," will be a massive undertaking, requiring approximately ten billion kittens worldwide in a single week; but it will be worth it. For in that week, the forces of corruption, of instability, of fear and aggression, will come to understand once and for all that they simply cannot stand against the Furry Phalanx.

But wait, you say. Will this work on everyone? What about the really mean ones, the lifelong criminals, the mafiosi, the dictators - god forbid, the nihilists? Do we have some kind of backup plan to crack the really tough cases? Can kittens alone truly bring about world peace - or is there some other force that could augment that power, rendering them even more unstoppable?

I'm glad you asked.

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, and learn how Paul Burns can help you get a better night's sleep!

We hold no truths to be self-evident

2008-04-15T05:56:00.001-04:00

Let's talk about nihilism!

For those who don't specialize in knowing about idiotic philosophies, here's a quick rundown on what those silly nihilereenos believe:

nihilism - the denial of all real existence or the possibility of an objective basis for truth.

So nihilists literally believe in nothing. Which means you can insult them all you want, because how can they take offense? Why, that would require a system of values! So yeah, it's really fun. Hey, stupid nihilists! You stupid stupid-face poopy-heads! You are stupid! And also dumb! Yeah!

Anyway: nihilists, please support our cause, and vote for Paul Burns. Because really, if you don't believe in anything anyway, why not support him? Heck, ethics is meaningless! There is no overriding good, not even the desire to be lazy! You have absolutely no reason to pursue any course of action over any other, no direction, no purpose, no rest for your weary, blackened, twisted, misshapen lump of a soul. So why not cast your vote for the only candidate who recognizes your concerns, however dismissively?

Do the right thing. Or, in your case, the thing that is the same as all the other things. Vote Burns.

By the way, has anyone else noticed that apathy is, like, the functional equivalent of nihlism? Can you imagine if we could actually harness American apathy for the greater good? We...we would be as gods!! (Of course, that might not actually be a good thing. But still.)

Apathy and nihilism for Burns in '08!

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will explain a foolproof, no-fail way to achieve world peace in less than one week.

...and a really big reflecting pool

2008-04-14T00:01:00.002-04:00

If you've been hanging around this site for a while, you know by now that Paul Burns has opinions on pretty much everything. But then, when you're looking to be the leader of 300 million people, that's sort of your job! So today we're going to talk about his opinion on presidential memorials, and what kind of memorial he'd like for himself. Some would say, of course, that he is getting way ahead of himself, that there are more important things to worry about, that such thinking indicates a hubris that borders on the pathological.

Ha ha! None of that is true.

Anyway, before Paul Burns can decide what kind of memorial he wants for himself, he has to take a look at what's been done already. So without further ado:

The Lincoln Memorial

Pros:

Greek columns
Some cool urban legends
Unlikely to fall over

Cons:

None

Overall Success as a Memorial:
The site of King's "I Have a Dream" speech. Appears on the five-dollar bill (the penny doesn't count). Excellent notoriety. A+

The Washington Monument

Pros:

Tallest building in the world at the time of construction
Has that old-school Egyptian vibe
It's awesome, I mean just look at it

Cons:

Obvious target for alien invaders
Kind of phallic

Overall Success as a Memorial:
Sheer coolness overrides other factors. A

The FDR Memorial

Pros:

Has waterfalls
Better than James A. Garfield's memorial
Includes a statue of Fala

Cons:

Spread-out and weird
Statue of the Great Depression is, well, depressing
When a President leaves behind specific instructions on what kind of monument he wants, and you make it, is it really necessary to make another one just so you can have waterfalls?

Overall Success as a Memorial:
Nobody really knows about it, and it's not inspiring. So, I mean, what the heck? C

The Garfield Memorial

Pros:

It is a big statue

Cons:

It is a big statue

Overall Success as a Memorial:
None. But then, what do you really expect when you're President for less time than it takes to have a baby? F

So, what have we learned from all this? Well, nothing, actually. But as far as Paul Burns monuments go, how about those big cool-looking towers from Malaysia?

Yeah, them! What do you say, Kuala Lampur? We'll even pay for the shipping!

Anyway, be sure to tune in tomorrow, when we'll be talking about nihilism.

What you're about to read...may shock you

2008-04-11T05:51:00.001-04:00

Gas prices in America are outrageous. How can those oil companies justify it? I mean, the only thing they have to do is travel to remote locations around the world, find new sources of crude oil, figure out innovative ways of extracting it, ship the oil to refineries, use ridiculously complex mechanical and chemical processes to turn it into gasoline, ship it to a distribution terminal, process it further, and ship it to thousands of gas stations without ever a hiccup in supply! And just because of that, they want to sell us a gallon of gas for the price of a 20-ounce coffee from Starbuck's?!

Insane.

Luckily, Paul Burns isn't going to take it anymore. He's gotten to the bottom of this scam, and he knows exactly what's going on. As it turns out, it isn't those dastardly oil companies - because really, let's face it, if they could've just jacked up their rates anytime they felt like it, they would've done that a long time ago. No, the real culprit here is a force deeper, more sinister, more hideous, than any of us would care to imagine.

Think about it: who has the most to gain from high gas prices?

That's right. Daytime soap operas.

If gas is expensive, you can't drive, and if you can't drive, you're not going to go anywhere. But if you're home all day, what are you going to do? Write a book? Take up juggling? Create a fake presidential campaign? Hardly. You're going to watch Claire cheat on her cancer-stricken boyfriend Marcus with her best friend's fiance, Simon, to get back at her manipulating mother except it turns out it was all just a dream anyway. It's like having the stupid drama of a reality TV show without the unusual premise or the spontaneity! And you will sit there and suck it all in, day after day. Because the only thing dirtier than Big Oil...is Big Soap.

So watch out, Days of Our Lives. Paul Burns is on to your little scheme, and if he gets elected, Claire won't be the only one getting screwed by a politician.

Be sure to tune in Monday, when the candidate will tell you his ideas for his very own presidential memorial!

More like, Second Law of STUPID-dynamics

2008-04-10T05:59:00.001-04:00

So I think everyone can agree: things are bad, and they're pretty much only going to get worse.

But have you ever wondered why? Turns out, it's the government's fault. (Shocker!) During the Roaring Twenties, the Coolidge Administration - fearing an excess of prosperity - helped pass a law to guarantee life wouldn't just keep getting better forever and ever.

The edict, dubbed the Second Law of Thermodynamics, was a huge success and was directly responsible for the Great Depression just two years later. Continued enforcement of the law ensured the Depression could not be ended without something even worse (a world war), which itself could not be ended without something yet worse (nuclear weapons). Finally, the end of the nuclear arms race ushered in an era where we could destroy the whole planet without even using weapons, and that's about where we are right now. At the rate things are going, most scientists expect all life on Earth to be obliterated "in about five minutes."

Friends, this law is a huge mistake, and I ask for your support in having it repealed! Obama may speak of a brighter future, McCain may push for a stronger foreign policy, but what good are prosperity and security when it's all going down the tube in a hundred trillion trillion years anyway? No, indeed. If elected, I will push Congress to end this silliness as soon as possible, and propose in its place a Second Law of Awesome: the mandate that everything must get continually more wonderful from now until Forever. According to our calculations, this means that by the year 2024, cupcakes will taste like happiness and strawberries at the same time.

Paul McCartney has already expressed his support for this idea. Won't you do the same?

Please, think of the kittens.

Be sure to tune for tomorrow's post, in which Paul Burns will unmask a conspiracy!

The pros and cons of becoming a living god

2008-04-09T05:53:00.001-04:00

And now, a message from the candidate:

"So: apotheosis.

It's something every President has to consider at one time or another. Sure, you're the leader of the world's only remaining superpower, beloved of millions, sole wielder of a force that in elder days was not dreamed of even by poets. But do you take the plunge, push it one step further, and make yourself a deity? Or do you just leave office, content that you could have destroyed the planet by pushing a button, even if there wasn't any worshiping per se?

It may sound like a no-brainer to the uninitiated. You might well ask: why wouldn't you assume the Divine Nature? Well, I'll tell you why...

Reasons Why Godhood is Problematic

1. A lot of people are still going to say you're not a god. I know, I know - just have them rounded up and shot, right? But then you get international outrage, and the Supreme Court goes all First Amendment on you, and it just gets bad. Trust me. That kind of response never ends well.

2. The afterlife. Nobody really knows what's waiting beyond the veil of death, but even agnostics have to think that claims to divinity might not meet a happy response. "I wasn't sure if You were real or not" - that could fly. "I figured I would just usurp Your Most Holy Throne" - maybe not so much.

3. Your followers aren't going to listen to you anyway. The orders of the President are obeyed. The orders of a god? Well, when believers in a deity whose greatest commandment is to love everyone, even your enemies, go on a killing spree against other people who also believe in God...it's hard to be optimistic.

4. Incense. Yuck.

5. History does not favor this sort of thing. Either your religion turns out to be really dumb, or everyone who believes in you is stoned, or else you just come off looking like a douchebag. And of course, claiming to be God can also attract unwanted attention.

On the other hand, Presidents who do pull this off get some really nice frescoes.

Well, it's a tough one, but I've got some time to think it over. I'll let you know what I decide. In the meantime, feel free to continue with the religion of your choice. I guess. I mean, you know, whatever."

Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when we will discuss an unpopular law!

As regards the zombie apocalypse

2008-04-08T07:46:00.002-04:00

It's time once again to answer a question submitted by YOU, the readers of this blog!

"I want to hear his [Paul Burns's] stance on us zombies. Are we classified as citizens - or even humans - for that matter? Just because we want to eat your brains doesn't make us bad people."
-"anonymous," presumably a zombie

Well, anonymous - if that is your real name - this is a complicated issue you've opened up. On the one hand, we cannot deny that zombies are just as much a part of our great nation as anyone else, that they, too, have a right to the pursuit of happiness. Yet on the other (decayed, rotting) hand, we must recognize that ordinary, non-un-dead folk shouldn't have to live in constant fear of their brains being devoured. What's a forward-thinking society to do?

The answer is as easy as the proverbial apple pie. Zombies will face no criminal charges as long as they only eat the brains of people who aren't using them anyway.

Be sure to check out tomorrow's post, in which Paul Burns is faced with a difficult decision!

It is an exciting new paradigm

2008-04-07T00:21:00.001-04:00

Being President is fun, but it has its problems. There are the assassination attempts, of course. There's the fact that people are always after you to do things, even if all you really want to do is play DDR for a week straight. And then Congress is just nonstop with the legislation, one thing after another, always something new on your desk (two words on that, by the way: pocket veto). Still, the very worst part of being President (or even campaigning to be) is definitely that no matter what, everyone is always blaming you for stuff. Maybe they're upset about stuff you did; maybe they're upset about stuff you didn't do. What is it with you people and your high expectations, anyway?

Well, it's no surprise that Paul Burns has the answer: a scapegoat!

Meet Jeff Fetters, a mild-mannered, civic-minded young man who has graciously volunteered to assume responsibility for all mistakes, gaffes, blunders, errors, lapses in judgment, and generally any blameworthy actions or inactions whatsoever on the part of the Burns Campaign, for all time. Unhappy with parts of the Burns Platform? Blame Jeff. Think the website looks stupid? It's Jeff's fault! You get the idea.

Thanks, Jeff!

Even better, for the entire month of April, Paul Burns has graciously offered Jeff's scapegoat services to the entire nation! That's right, if you're an American citizen, and it's April 2008, you can attribute any and all of your own shortcomings to Jeff Fetters, absolutely free! This gracious offer is made as a token of goodwill toward voters everywhere. Burns is lookin' out for ya. Of course, after April, we'll have to start charging. Campaign costs and all - you understand.

Man. One person, taking the blame for everyone else's misdeeds, for the betterment of all? How come no one's thought of this before?

Anyway, be sure to tune in tomorrow, when we will answer one of YOUR questions!

Who's Who

2008-04-06T22:47:00.031-04:00

There's been a lot of activity in the Burns Campaign lately, and it can be easy to lose track of who the major players are. Here's a consolidated list of everyone who's anyone, all on one convenient page! This list will be kept up-to-date as new developments develop.

The Dynamic Duo

	Presidential Candidate - Paul Burns The man himself. Official biography
	Running-Mate - Jessica Alba Putting the J in PB&J. Official announcement

The Cabinet

	Secretary of Defense - Avery Brooks Known for being Defiant. Official announcement
	Secretary of Homeland Security (renamed "Secretary of Roundhouse Kicking Terrorists in the Face") - Chuck Norris Subject of many jokes, object of none. Official announcement
	Secretary of F***ing Awesome - Patrick Stewart Because he is. Official announcement

Other Roles

	Chief Justice of the Supreme Court - Samuel L. Jackson Doesn't need Tom Cruise to write his Minority Report. Official announcement
	Presidential Slapper - Wonder Woman Who's afraid of Kryptonite? Official announcement
	National Security Advisor - Nemo Declaw this. Official announcement
	Scapegoat - Jeff Fetters. Get off me. Official announcement

The Opposition

	Democratic candidate - Barack Obama I'm a regular guy, just like you. Haha! No, but seriously, I have millions of dollars. Campaign home
	Democratic candidate - Hillary Clinton Two Bushes but only one Clinton? Come now. Campaign home [Update: pwned.]
	Republican candidate - John McCain Hey, you guys pretty much liked Dubya, right? Okay cool. Campaign home
	Unholy Living Shrine to Malevolence - Cthulhu Crrgggghrrr. Campaign home

Axis of Evil

	The Borg. All in all, you're just another brick in the Cube. Official announcement
	The Cylons. Old-school, yo. Official announcement
	The Sith. Sith happens. Official announcement

Last But Not Least

Campaign Manager - Brian Buckley

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

It is really pretty simple

2008-04-05T13:40:00.001-04:00

Word.

Hippies to ignite effigy in candidate's honor

2008-04-04T00:05:00.002-04:00

We at the Burns Campaign recently learned of an exciting new event being planned right now to demonstrate support for our cause. Some hippies have apparently discovered the Internet and are using it to propagate their excitement for Paul. Excellent! The project (named "Burning Man" in a clever play on his surname) will be held in the Black Rock Desert of Nevada, around late August. Highlights will include:

Nudity. Paul Burns has requested that at least 45% of it be hot.

Art. Nothing says "freedom of expression" like a giant spider car. And we all know how Paul Burns feels about the First Amendment!

Giant-statue-burning. The statue represents Burns's political rivals. Nothing says "racial equality" like a burning statue of Barack Ob- er, John McCain?

Only rich people allowed in. To pay for the Burns Campaign, of course. Nothing says "radical inclusion" like $295 tickets.

Mike Huckabee.

Nah, just kidding.

Anyway, it looks to be a great fund-raiser, and we're really excited about it. Although Paul Burns himself will likely not be attending (citing a desire not to be "touched" or "looked at" or "within smelling distance") he nonetheless wishes these enthusiastic kids the best of luck, and authorizes them to stay up all the way till midnight.

At which point he will, of course, have to execute them all for being Communists.

(Quantum) observational humor

2008-04-03T06:16:00.000-04:00

Politics is a tricky business. You're trying to attract as many voters as possible, but practically anything you say alienates someone! Take health care, for instance. If a candidate says "I am all for the universal health care," half the country is going to boo you off the stage. But if you are like "I don't think that's a good idea," you alienate the other half! And that's just one issue. Can you imagine trying to unite a whole country behind you on every single issue?

I know!

Fortunately, with the aid of science, this problem has been resolved. Check it out: quantum physics says that stuff can exist in multiple states at the same time, and it's only by the act of observation that the multiple states "collapse" into one.

I know!

While there are numerous applications for such a discovery, Paul Burns is the first one to use it for politics. You see, while traditional (or "classical") candidates pick only a single stance on an issue and hope for the best, Burns is actually able to hold every possible view on an issue simultaneously, and then collapse to a single view when you ask his opinion.

To the untrained eye, this might seem like wishy-washy-ness, flip-floppery, or just plain old-fashioned cowardice. But in contrast to previous candidates, Paul Burns is actually being completely consistent, never changing his stance from one moment to the next. Which nations would he like to allow into NATO? All possible combinations - at once. Is he pro-life or pro-choice? Yes. In a quantum democracy, you, the voter, decide what the President thinks at any given time.

But wait, you ask! What happens if Paul Burns looks into a mirror and observes himself? Wouldn't he then be forced to have some sort of concrete opinion?

Not to worry, gentle voters. Using the latest science, Paul Burns is also a vampire!

Paul Burns will seriously*, no joke**, get you a Wii

2008-04-02T06:25:00.000-04:00

American opinion is split on many issues. How do we handle rising gas prices? What can be done to stop the stark, unmitigated horror of parents teaching their children things - without government approval? Who, precisely, let the dogs out? But while controversy both unites and divides this great nation, there is one thing voters can agree on: they want a Wii.

Oh, they may not admit it. "I'm still happy with my Gamecube," many will say. "The PS3 has better graphics anyway." "I like the security of knowing my console could crush a small child."

Others go even further, claiming to prefer such lightweights as Bejeweled and Puzzle Pirates, or even - doffing all logic - not to like videogames at all, favoring so-called "real" activities like jogging, dating, and typing up blog posts.

Ah, denial; you are not just a river in South America. No matter how we might feign contempt or disinterest, we all know it's just a thin veneer over the deep-seated need to go bowling merely by making arm motions. For too long, Americans have staggered on under the weight of this injustice; for too long, we have called Gamestops and Wal-marts at all hours of the day, covering our shame with a quick "Talk to you later, Mom" when a co-worker comes within earshot. No more. Let us stand up and waggle our Wii-motes with pride, wrist straps fastened securely around our arms.

Paul Burns has a plan.

The problem is simple: according to the latest statistics, just over 300 million Americans want a Wii, while there are in fact only 49 Wiis that actually exist in the United States, total. The excess Wiis, it is believed, are all being diverted to France; a mall Santa asked Nicolas Sarkozy whether he would like any gifts for his birthday, and his one-word affirmative was wildly misinterpreted. Since then, the sweet, sweet Nintendo goodness has been flowing like radiant ambrosia into the land of wine and cheese.

The solution, of course, is to nuke France.

I know, I know - crazy, right? That's how it is these days - any little suggestion of nuclear warfare, and everyone gets all up in arms over it. But don't worry, we've thought this through.

We did the math. We'll still have plenty of nukes left over for other purposes.

*no, not seriously

**actually a joke

An atypical genesis

2008-04-01T00:25:00.002-04:00

April Fools' Day - like Arnold Schwarzenegger, democracy, and basically all good things - is a thoroughly American construct without any foreign influence whatsoever. But how many know the true history of this august April holiday? After today, my friend, you will know, and you can spread your newfound knowledge like the first tender shoots of a modern bubonic plague. Because knowledge is power: raw, unbridled, megalomaniacal power. Join us, won't you, as we journey down...

The Severely Abridged History of April Fools' Day

The very first April Fools' Day was actually April 18, 1775, when Paul Revere made his now-legendary midnight ride to "warn" his fellow colonists of the supposedly impending invasion. "The British are coming! The British are coming!" he cried, hiding his snickers under a thick glove. Upon realizing the prank, the other Sons of Liberty were so angry that they rebelled against England anyway, "just to show him." The poor British soldiers never saw it coming.

It was Samuel Adams who, staggering out of a pub, first hit on the notion of turning Revere's ride into a national holiday; he claims not to remember this, but John Hancock notes this was "par for the course" for Adams. In subsequent years the date was changed to April 1, as most colonists could not count past nine (that being the average number of fingers at the time).

From there the idea spread like musketfire, and each year the jokes got more elaborate:

April 1803: Napoleon Bonaparte jokingly offered the western half of North America to Thomas Jefferson for two nickels and a Cracker Jack. Jefferson failed to get the joke. To commemorate the event, Jefferson demanded all future nickels be remade in his own image.

April 1887: Susanna M. Salter was elected the USA's first female mayor, of Argonia, Kansas. A woman in a political role? LOLZ

April 1, 1981: The Council of Ministers first introduced Daylight Savings Time to the USSR. This led to widespread protests when Russians discovered there was, in fact, no daylight to save.

Only three? Well, yeah. I told you it was severely abridged. There have of course been others.

So now you know. See, this is good - American citizens getting informed and learning history that is completely true and in no way made up, at all. An informed electorate, a proud and semi-literate electorate: this is the electorate that will put Paul Burns in office! Be proud of your April Fools' legacy! Remember, folks: when in doubt, Wikipedia has the answer. Always.

Now get out there and make somebody laugh.

The First Amendment is sort of overrated

2008-03-31T00:13:00.003-04:00

So maybe you know about this thing called the First Amendment, it's pretty big in the U.S. these days. Seems like you can hardly walk into a Starbucks without hearing someone say "Congress shall make no law...abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press" and then their compatriots are all like "aye." And Paul Burns is into that stuff too - you know, the whole "Constitutionality" thing. But...let's not get crazy with it, okay?

Sure, there are some obvious forms of speech that have to be protected. Like, if you want to get on your LiveJournal and say "mood: lazy" and put up an icon of a cat with a sailor hat on its head and little stars around the edges, clearly that sort of thing cannot be - er - abridged. The same goes for all instances of the bicycle wheel as a mode of expression. But let's be honest. We've all had times in our lives where we've experienced the freedom of someone's speech and thought: we don't need that.

Proposed Exceptions to the First Amendment

1. Koans. Q. What is the sound of one hand clapping? A. How about if I demonstrate by slapping you in the face.

2. The novel Finnegans Wake. "Him belly no belong sollow mole pigeon. Ally bully. Fu Li's gulpa." Really, Mr. Joyce? Are you quite sure about that?

3. The use of more than two consecutive exclamation points. Disclaimer: exclamation points followed by the number "1" may lead to the modification of further amendments.

4. The umlaut. Seriöusly.

There may be more. Voters, be on the lookout!

Anyway - we can get this thing changed for the better, but it'll take some doing. Three-fourths of the states have to approve it? It's like they're trying to make this process hard.

Well, if you happen to be a state - you know what to do!

A quick note from the candidate

2008-03-29T12:57:00.004-04:00

Paul Burns would like to remind everyone that Earth Hour is tonight, so if you like the environment (or maybe just darkness?) then turn your lights out from 8 to 9 pm!

Here is a helpful diagram to show what your house would look like if you turned out all the lights:

The windows are closed too, okay?

It's still green, you understand. You just can't see it anymore.

From the reader mailbag

2008-03-28T18:45:00.003-04:00

Today's question comes from a concerned citizen who's clearly been following the campaign and wants to know a little more about one of our platform's key planks: the kitten issue.

Q. Since he [Paul Burns] is "for the kittens" what is his stance on kittenwar.com, which abuses kittens' self-esteem by pitting their adorableness against each other in a vanity competition?
-Concerned

A. We'd like to think every kitten is treated with the respect and dignity it deserves. But the truth is, the cuteness of those little fluffballs is often abused for nothing more than a quick buck and a cheap thrill. My national security advisor should know - he was once a kitten himself, and he's seen this stuff first-hand. I don't envy him.

Follow me. We're about to journey down into the gritty, cutthroat underworld of professional kitten exploitation; and what a dark and winding road it is.

The site you mentioned, kittenwar.com, is one of the worst manipulators of kitten cuteness out there. Go ahead - take a look around, browse the hideous machinery of their superconducting kitten-collider. Oh, sure, these cats look happy and innocent enough. But each and every one of them has been forced to vie with others of their kind for supremacy, based solely on appearance. If you think the Miss America pageant is shallow, imagine living the horror of a nonstop, neverending beauty contest orchestrated by unfeeling computers, manipulating you without your consent, where the reward is two minutes of hollow fame and the cost is your soul.

Don't be fooled by the sweet line, "all our kittens are winners." The only winners in this twisted, power-hungry fur show are the ones who get out alive.

And the worst part is, kittenwar.com is just the tip of the iceberg. There are schemes to make exploitation more efficient by assigning each kitten's cuteness a number. There are kitten scouts who, unfazed by restraining orders, will stop at nothing to capture that perfect shot - day after day after day - all at the whims of someone called "the Kittenmaster." There are even kitten plots so horrifying that I shudder even to describe them.

Well, "Concerned" reader, I hope by now my position is clear. Kitten cuteness exploitation is a hideous, ongoing blight on our fair nation, and I will stop at nothing to end it forever. Join me, and together we can make a difference.

(Got a question for Paul Burns? An issue you'd like him to address? Send it to BurnsForAmerica [at] gmail [dot] com!)

Ringwraiths feel slighted over Axis of Evil snub

2008-03-27T23:47:00.001-04:00

The new-and-improved Axis of Evil has met with widespread acclaim, but it faces its share of detractors as well - and chief among them are those most terrifying of Sauron's servants, the Ringwraiths.

"It's just...it's so unfair," said a visibly upset Lord of the Nazgûl. "How could we not be included? I mean, sure, the Sith I can understand. It's Star Wars, we're not looking to edge out Star Wars. But come on, the Borg? The Cylons? We're the prime henchmen of the villain who defined the fantasy genre, and we're not even in the top three? It's like he doesn't even know we're here, like we're...we're...just invisible!" He then turned away quickly and lowered his cloak-hood to hide his long, sniffling sobs.

The Lord of the Nazgûl is also known as the Witch-king of Angmar, the Wraith-King, the Lord of Minas Morgul, the Black Captain, and the Ruler of the Nine.

"There, there," said fellow Ringwraith Khamûl, patting him gently on the back. "We seriously should have gotten that Axis spot though," he added, to the camera.

Paul Burns has responded, saying that while he regrets the omission, it's simply too late to change now. "This was sort of a first-come, first-serve deal," he explained. "Please understand, this in no way reflects personally on you or your fellow servants of the Unblinking Eye. But we can't add someone new at this stage in the game. Historically, malicious Axes have always had three members. A fourth Axis member, it would just be...wrong."

Morgoth was not available for comment, as he is currently banished to the great Void beyond the Walls of the World, awaiting Dagor Dagorath and the End of All Things.

However, a spokesman for the Dark Lord confirmed he would probably agree the exclusion of the Ringwraiths is "pretty weak sauce."

You have to admit this would be awesome

2008-03-27T20:39:00.003-04:00

We all know how it goes, right? You've just settled in for a nice evening in the easy chair, you flip on the news, and then - what do you see?

That's right. Somewhere, somehow, someone has done something stupid.

It never fails, does it? And not just a little stupid, either. Not a day goes by that someone doesn't do something so incredibly dumb, so monumentally idiotic, that it makes you just not want to read the news anymore. C'mon, you know it's true.

Wouldn't it be nice if somebody would do something about that?

Somebody is.

Paul Burns today unveiled a new position in his administration: the Presidential Slapper, or P.S., to take care of the stupidity problem. It works like this. Each day, trained specialists will carefully monitor all the news and decide on the stupidest thing any single person has done that day. At the end of the day, the P.S. will be dispatched to slap that person in the face with a fish.

Yeah, that's right. A fish. So you learn something.

The purpose of this is threefold:

1. To punish the stupid person. Idiocy as a global phenomenon has just gone on far too long, and we need some accountability.

2. To make an example. You might think twice about parking across three parking spots if you read about that dude who just got Presidentially Slapped last night.

3. 'Cause we think it would be really fun.

So, who is the right person to be the P.S.? Who has the strength and courage to slap anyone in the world, the ability to travel the globe on a daily basis, and the moral fiber not to abuse such an awesome responsibility?

There is, of course, only one real answer.

P.S.: You just got slapped with a fish by Wonder Woman.

The funniest political word we could think of

2008-03-26T23:37:00.001-04:00

"Gubernatorial."

If you can do better, we'd like to see it.

Burns quells fears of a third Death Star

2008-03-25T16:40:00.004-04:00

Paul Burns stated unequivocally today that there were no plans to construct a third superweapon, to the relief of many.

"I have already condemned the Sith as part of a new Axis of Evil," he said. "Now I would like to go one step further and clarify beyond any doubt that we will not construct another Death Star. The Death Star, and its successor the Death Star II, represent failed policies of a failed administration. You need have no fears on that front."

Burns cited as key reasons for this decision, "the fact that we all live on a single planet" (the Assured Destruction, or AD, argument) and "the high likelihood that a bunch of underfunded, courageous, ragtag rebels would just come blow it up anyway."

"Also," he added, "it wouldn't physically work. Have you ever tried shooting six lasers into a single point? They just go through each other. Man, that would be embarrassing."

Supporters and opponents alike widely applauded the decision, with one relieved citizen saying that building a third planet-destroyer would be "pretty much the worst idea ever." Another added, "We shouldn't be too proud of these technological marvels we create. The power to destroy a planet is nothing compared to the power of moving objects slightly, appearing as an impotent ghost, and killing individuals one at a time."

Critics, however, point out that a new Death Star could have been instrumental in carrying out one of Burns's key initiatives, blowing up the Moon. Also, Jimmy Randolph, age 8, points out that watching a planet blow up would be "wicked cool."

Burns declined to comment on the future construction of additional Sun Crushers, stating that their canonicity is "questionable at best."

Cat, "Nemo," named top military aide

2008-03-24T22:27:00.004-04:00

In these frightening-ish times, it is important to know that the President is getting the best possible counsel on matters of defense, both against traditional threats and in the war on terror. Well, don't worry. Although the other candidates haven't even chosen running-mates yet, Paul Burns has already picked his National Security Advisor. And unlike those Cabinet posts with their pesky Senate-confirmation process, the National Security Advisor is whoever the President darn-well says it is. So without further ado, let us present:

Nemo is a cat with a long record of excellence in service. From his earliest years as a Kitten Kommando to his legendary service in the Great Catnip War of '07, Nemo has proven that he's got what it takes when it's time to get tough. He's extremely knowledgeable on foreign affairs (a trait he shares with his namesake, who is bipedal, not ichthyoid) and has strong ties with the government of Kathmandu.

"I was drawn to Paul Burns when I heard about his support for kittens," Nemo said (or would have, if he were capable of speech or sentient thought). "That's something that everyone just sort of takes for granted these days, so it was great to see a candidate really stand up and make a point about it. Do it for the kittens, he says. I will take that as my job description."

"I mean that in a strictly poetic sense," he added hypothetically. "I'm not stupid, of course."

The other members of Paul Burns's growing cadre expressed their support. "We of the Federation, I mean, Cabinet, welcome all life-forms, four-legged and otherwise," said Patrick Stewart, recently-appointed Secretary of F***ing Awesome.

Running-mate Jessica Alba agreed. "Omigosh he's so cute!! And cuddly," she explained. "Who's the cuddliest wuddliest kitten in the whole wide world? Who's my kitten? Who's my kitten?" Ms. Alba proceeded to make cooing noises at him, and described his little kitten suit (currently being tailored) as "absolutely adorable."

Presumptive Chief Justice Samuel L. Jackson added, "At least it's not a snake."

Of course, every nominee has his critics, and Nemo is no exception. Within hours of the announcement, political commentator Jon Arbuckle released this statement: "Sir, I knew Garfield, and you are no Garfield."

The inevitable detractors aside, Nemo enjoys widespread support in the cat community, and several prominent felines have already voiced their support, including Felix and Tom. Nemo's roommate, Ranger, also poked his cute little nose out from under the bed just long enough to add his own congratulations.

Nemo's owner, who wishes to remain anonymous, confirmed that Nemo "is a good kitty," but declined further comment.

Paul Burns wishes you a Happy Good Friday

2008-03-21T13:23:00.001-04:00

Because, like, an unhappy Good Friday would just be ironic.

Lest there be any confusion

2008-03-20T21:08:00.008-04:00

What with two people named Mr. Burns floating around, we thought it'd be best to clear up a few things about who's who, and more importantly, who isn't. Granted, the people confused by this are probably the same people who think Spock is the Roman god of fire, but that's okay; we don't judge. Paul Burns values all Americans, even the dumb ones!

So, let's break it down: that's Paul Burns on the left there, and Montgomery Burns on the right. As you can see, Paul is much better-looking than his centenarian counterpart, which (if Disney is any guide) indicates at once that he is morally superior, more likable, an all-around better guy - and destined to win. Running-mate Jessica Alba agrees: "Looks aren't everything," she explains, "but they really, really, really help!" You go, Jessica.

The two differ in other ways, also. Most obviously, Paul Burns is young and healthy, while Monty not only has a hideous, failing, blackened lump of a heart, but is also a cartoon character. And then there's the matter of Paul's thick, manly head of hair, a sharp contrast to his rival's dome, which (with the aid of a flashlight) could be used to beam signals into space. (Harsh, but true. Remember, folks, this is politics.) In fact, these two Burnses are so unlike that aside from their surname, they only have two things in common: they're ridiculously wealthy, and they're superlatively Caucasian. By contrast, the list of things they don't have in common is actually infinite. That's right: we just proved it, with MATH.

So, to summarize: Paul good, Monty evil, both white, Jessica Alba smokin' hot. There, that should clear up any lingering ambiguity.

Burns on the Issues

2008-03-20T17:04:00.005-04:00

Below is a handy reference guide to Paul Burns's stance on a host of relevant issues. This page will be updated over time.

Ancient Tentacled Manifestations of Pure Evil - Against
Blowing up the Moon - For
Crime - Against
The Economy - For (sort of)
The First Amendment - iffy
Getting Rid of the Penny - For
Global Warming - Against
Jedi - For
Jessica Alba - For
Kittens - For
Minnesotan Lake Consolidation - For
No Sushi Left Behind Act - For
Sith - Against
Splitting up Pangea - Against

Magnetic nega-pennies will thwart the robot revolution

2008-03-19T19:35:00.010-04:00

It's not exactly a secret that the U.S. penny is pretty much the most worthless coin we have, and it's high time someone took action to get rid of it. It should come as no surprise that Paul Burns is the one leading the heroic crusade to eliminate this nuisance. The reasons for canceling the copper are manifold:

1. Nobody likes them. Seriously, ask your friends if any of them actually think pennies are useful. And if anyone says yes...maybe you should ask yourself if there's really any reason to keep being friends with this person.

2. Abraham Lincoln was amazing, we get it already. It's not like we need yet another reminder.

3. It would simplify the economy, and Paul Burns is all about that.

4. They're harmful to the self-esteem of people actually named Penny. "Mommy, how did you choose my name?" "Well, darling, we basically just wanted to express as succinctly as possible how much you're actually worth to us as a human being." Yeah.

5. 'Cause Paul Burns said so.

No doubt by now you're quite convinced of the need for action, already waving your banner for a nickel-based exchange with unbridled enthusiasm. But wait, some of you might say. What about things that don't cost a multiple of five? Suppose I want to buy something for $7.99? Doesn't the cashier have to give me a penny in change?

Not so, thanks to the visionary genius of Paul Burns's master plan. For the penny will not merely be removed, it will be replaced - with the nega-penny, a coin worth precisely -1 cents. These coins will be a cinch to produce, as we need only take the square of our imaginary pennies, which by most accounts already exist. (Of course, there are other sources for nega-objects too.) At that point, our hypothetical shopper has merely to toss in a nega-penny along with his five and three ones, and no change is necessary at all! Of course, these nega-pennies must utilize the stickiness of magnetism to prevent recipients merely throwing them out to increase value. Not a problem. We can make them better than before; we have the technology.

Staggering as it is, there is even another benefit to this plan. What, you ask? When the inevitable robotic revolution finally arrives, they will no doubt adopt our currency as their own, and the magnetic properties of this all-American coin will wreak havoc with their dastardly machinery, thus securing an eventual victory for the forces of Good. It can't fail.

With this plan, everyone wins! Except of course for copper producers, proponents of the existing monetary system, people with credit cards, and the dread machine overlords themselves, whose deaths at the hands of our diabolical currency will be agonizing in ways we literally cannot even imagine. Oh, and Lincoln.

But, I mean, he's dead anyway.

Paul Burns: The Official Biography

2008-03-18T22:05:00.012-04:00

Paul Hamilton Burns II was born on July 4, 1981, in a log cabin deep in the windswept valley of Heartland, Virginia. The locals claim his birth was heralded by a nine-tailed comet that healed all cancer patients who gazed upon it, though of course this is merely a legend; the actual comet had just seven tails and cured only leprosy. Heartlanders celebrate his birthday each year with sparklers and fireworks, and go so far as to call it Independence Day.

His prodigal nature was apparent from his very earliest days. He took up the piano at age three; by age four, bored with his own virtuosity, he began a lifelong quest for an endeavor equal to his massive skills and intellect. He read the complete works of Plato, Nietzsche, Euler, Freud, Shakespeare, Byron, Newton, Asimov, and countless others, searching always for an idea he had not already thought of. Meanwhile he penned book after Pulitzer Prize-winning book, including such greats as The Impossibility of Explaining My Genius, Allusions You Won't Even Understand, and A Book of Poems: The Novel. By middle school, even literature had ceased to interest him.

In the middle of 8th grade he dropped out to pursue other interests. On a whim he took the ACT and scored a 37 by redefining the axioms of number theory. He received unsolicited letters of acceptance from Harvard, Yale, and MIT, which he diligently recycled out of respect for the environment. He began touring the globe; he inspected the Louvre, swam the Davis Strait, climbed Everest and K2 (in the same day), and personally circumnavigated Australia. But no matter how exotic the locale, Paul Burns himself was always the main attraction. In the end, the constant attention and adoration - well-deserved though it was - drove him into hiding, to pursue the betterment of mankind without interference.

After 42 days of fasting and meditation, he discovered the ultimate philosophy to life, which he calls Perfectism. Although this bears some resemblance to Buddhism, he was not influenced by the Buddha's teachings; rather, he arrived at his ideas completely independently, and explains "it turns out the Buddha managed to nail a few." He will unveil Perfectism when the world is ready. It might be a while.

His political experience is even more impressive. He is simultaneously the mayor of twenty-seven separate cities worldwide, which, according to most scholars, is "about a bajillion" times harder than being President. He can quote the Constitution verbatim in fifty-six languages; he is so racially diverse that all his different ancestries collectively cancel out to white; and he is the only person in history to have a personal opinion on every issue ever, all the way back to the debate over whether to split up Pangea (he was against).

Master of eighteen distinct forms of martial arts, holder of the world record for Most Honorary Degrees Ever, owner of a business empire which would make him the richest man on the planet if he didn't constantly funnel his assets into charity, Paul Burns is uniquely poised to bring change to Washington.

And modest, to boot. Vote Burns.

Happy Hangover Day

2008-03-18T07:01:00.002-04:00

Paul Burns knows, the only thing more American than oversimplifying other cultures is getting drunk to celebrate.

Actually, check that. That second one is pretty universal.

Happy Day-After-Patty's. Try to keep down the noise.

You can't spell "success" without "nuclear arsenal"

2008-03-13T21:55:00.009-04:00

You know what's really great about the United States of America?

If you said "everything," "the fact that we/they are so much better than everyone else," or "Natalie Portman," then you would of course be right. But what I was really looking for was: "citizens taking the initiative." And today, there's a very important issue that a group of concerned citizens has taken into their own hands.

I am talking, of course, about the Citizens' Association to Blow Up the Moon.

Yes, the Moon, that worthless lifeless gray horrid parasitic dustball, has hung for too long like a cancer in our skies. But what to do about it? The usual solution for places we don't like (that would be nuking) fails here, because the Moon has arrived to us in a pre-nuked condition. Simply put, we can't make it more dead and crater-y than it already is. So what's a Citizens' Association to do?

As is usually the case, the problem is that we just aren't using enough thermonuclear weapons. If elected, Paul Burns pledges to vastly extend Ronald Reagan's Star Wars initiative, developing a system capable of launching millions and millions of nuclear warheads directly into the face of our lunar oppressor. (Not to worry; the resulting giant chunks of Moon that will rain down on us will be destroyed with even more nuclear weapons.)

Our planet will claim triumphant victory over its four-billion-year rival, no doubt staging month-long parades of rampant drunkenness in the streets of our cities. Everyone will benefit: insomniacs, who will sleep better at night without the light pollution; astronomers, who will be able to watch meteor showers in a darker sky; werewolf hunters, whose long, mad quests will finally be at an end that is not the grave. But the real winners, of course, will be our children, who will inherit a world free of that circular terror from above, a world that very possibly will not even be consumed by the vast innumerable horrors of a nuclear winter.

Are we actually going to do this thing? You'd better believe it. In your face, Cthulhu.

You can't make a Cabinet without breaking a few kneecaps

2008-03-12T22:26:00.012-04:00

Some people say that it's too early to start forming a Cabinet. Paul Burns knows better. He knows we need to look to the future. Because the children are our future, and we have to think of the children. It's transitive.

Anyway. The following list is incomplete (I mean, duh - we're not stupid) and will be updated in the weeks to come. But for now, we present... the Cabinet!

Name: Avery Brooks
Position: Secretary of Defense
Qualifications: He stopped the Jem'Hadar, and they had a friggin' wormhole. What does Putin have, the Bering Strait?
Hobbies: Baseball

Name: Chuck Norris
Position: Secretary of Homeland Security (to be renamed, Secretary of Roundhouse Kicking Terrorists in the Face)
Qualifications: What, are you serious?
Hobbies: Staring down books to get the information he wants.

Name: Patrick Stewart
Position: Secretary of F***ing Awesome
Qualifications: Click here
Hobbies: Gettin' his Shakespeare on

Name: Samuel L. Jackson
Position: Chief Justice of the Supreme Court
(okay, so this isn't a Cabinet position, but if a seat opens we need to be prepared!)
Qualifications: Already has the necessary robes
Hobbies: Telling fools that HE IS THE LORD

More as it develops.

Cue and eh

2008-03-11T22:40:00.007-04:00

Two questions from the mailbag today!

Q. Just where do you and your running mate stand on this whole thing about global warming? I mean, should I be investing in land in the Antarctic and building condos and resort hotels? Would you support tax breaks for such innovative enterprises?

-A Concerned Investor

A. Well, Mr. Investor, in this confusing modern age, it's important that we stay rational - that we look carefully at the data, and make our judgments solely on the facts. And the facts are: global warming is voodoo science. Oh, sure, the so-called experts might sound authoritative, what with their "careful study of the problem" and their "overwhelming empirical evidence," but don't be fooled. They're just trying to scare you! I mean, come on, these are the same people who claimed the Earth was round, and we all saw how that turned out.

Remember: there's no problem so big that you can't hide from it.

Q. What is Paul Burns's position on the No Sushi Left Behind Act?

-David Vollbracht

A. Good question, David. Paul Burns knows all about Congress and its pork-barrel legislation, and he is pleased to announce that there is no pork in the Sushi Act. This is a tastefully written bill which represents fresh ideas for America. Now, I know what you're thinking - sounds fishy, right? Well, of course there's no such thing as a free lunch, and the money will have to come from somewhere. Don't worry, though. We're on it like white on rice.

Yes, that's right. The No Sushi Left Behind Act will be funded by the Karaoke Tax.

At least it's not a "dwarf planet"

2008-03-06T20:35:00.010-05:00

If we're going to have a stronger America, we need a President who gets things done. A President who demands results from every government agency. A President who doesn't allow any agency to just slip by, year after year, quietly consuming its budget and producing nothing in return.

Yes, I'm talking about you, NASA.

Oh sure, you may talk big, with all your "advancing the human race," "helping win the Cold War," and "teaching us pretty much everything we know about the universe." But when it comes down to brass tacks, there are some real problems you haven't addressed. Yeah, I think you know what I'm talking about, too.

That's right. Uranus.

What's wrong with Uranus? Only everything. First of all, the name. The standard pronunciation, I think we can all agree, is right out. And don't even try to tell me the alternate pronunciation is any better, unless we want to argue over which state of matter we prefer our excrement in.

Secondly, it's sideways. Yes, sideways. Check out the picture:

I know, right? It's been this way for millions of years, and nobody's done anything about it? Sounds like a case of government inaction to me.

But not to worry! Paul Burns believes that a sufficient number of nuclear weapons can solve any problem, and this sideways planet is no exception. We'll get Paul Burns tilted back the right way in no time.

Um, yes, we renamed the planet Paul Burns. What did you think it was going to be?

It's the stupid, economy

2008-03-05T17:48:00.006-05:00

So it turns out Americans are looking for solutions, not speeches. Who knew?

Paul Burns knew.

And he should. After all, he himself has proposed several solutions while giving no speeches at all, yielding an overall solution-to-speech ratio of positive infinity. Chew on that, candidates who aren't Paul Burns.

But never one to rest on his laurels, Burns has recently unveiled yet another big plan to help Americans. This latest effort will end poverty once and for all; it will also push toward the discovery of a number higher than positive infinity, thus killing two birds with one stone. (Note to PETA: fake birds.)

What we're getting at is this: the reason it's so hard to get rid of poverty is that deciding who to help is so gosh-darned complicated. Hardworking single mom with three kids whose house burned down? Sure. Abusive alcoholic who gambled away his own money trying to pay off his bar tab? Maybe not so much. But where do you draw the line? And then you have to give people money on welfare, but simultaneously think of incentives for them to find work...on, and on...

Well, it's no secret the economy is just too complicated, and it's about time someone did some decomplification. So here's what's up: we're going to take everyone's money away, and then redistribute it evenly back again. It's a clean slate, people - we're giving you the chance to start over. And this time, if you run out of money, it's your own fault. No more welfare - no more social security - no more complaining. Just a simple, one-time wealth redistribution that will end all future welfare programs. And of course, that means lower taxes, which for once won't benefit "mostly the wealthy." Sheesh.

Some people call this Communism. I say, Karl Marx wouldn't touch this idea with a ten-foot sickle. Vote Burns.

You can tell by the black capes

2008-03-04T21:36:00.011-05:00

Inspired by a recent viewing of Star Wars: Episode III, Paul Burns has officially declared the Sith part of a new Axis of Evil.

"It's a bold move," he said, "but I feel absolutely confident in my label. I mean, they call it the Dark Side, for Pete's sake. 'Axis of Evil' is practically a synonym."

The other two members of the new Axis are the Cylons and the Borg. Burns cited a consistent track record of badness, evilness, and wrongness on the part of all three members, adding that Americans "would never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy."

"If the Death Star isn't a WMD," he said, "I don't know what is."

Captain Jean-Luc Picard applauded the move, explaining that "the line must be drawn HEE-AH!" and gesturing wildly with his fingers. He issued the statement in a British accent, despite being a Frenchman.

Others were more critical. Emperor Palpatine reportedly exploded into a violent rage, expelling wave after wave of electrical energy from his cruel, withered hands. In the process, His Imperial Highness spilled his Cherry Coke.

"Wipe it up," he ordered. "All of it."

First Question!

2008-03-04T18:06:00.000-05:00

As mentioned previously, we at the Burns Campaign are now taking questions from readers. The best questions will be answered on the blog by Paul Burns himself. We have just received our first question!

This question comes from Sen. Barack Obama of Illinois:

Q. Can you please drop out of the race? I really want to be President.

A. No.

Thanks, Senator! And to everyone else out there - you too can ask Paul Burns a question! Just send him an e-mail at BurnsForAmerica (at) gmail (dot) com.

If you hear ringing at 3 am, it's probably tinnitus

2008-03-04T17:24:00.007-05:00

You may have heard about Hillary Clinton's "White House phone at 3 am" ad. There's been the usual controversy - some saying the ad is sensationalist, some noting its similarities to ads of the past (Hillary criticized Obama for his own "plagiarism"), and John McCain in particular claiming he is more qualified than Hillary to answer this ominous ringing.

Want to hear Paul Burns's take on it? Of course you do.

First of all, the critics should note that the ad merely asks who should answer the phone. It's a legitimate question, and it's possible the Hillary campaign simply does not know! They would like to find out. Certainly it won't be the President. Not at 3 am. At 3 am the President is sleeping. And if the President is awakened at 3 am to deal with a global crisis, it is going to be by an aide who runs in screaming "IRAN'S NUKING SWITZERLAND!" not the phone company lady with "Sir, Mr. Ahmadinejad is on line three."

So perhaps the real question is, whose answering machine is most qualified to handle that apocalyptic FYI?

"Hi! You've reached Paul Burns, President of the following: The Ohio chapter of the National Myst and Uru Association, the Facebook group 'YES I've Beaten Riven!!', and the United States of America. If this is someone from my World of Warcraft group, I can't do anything Thursday before eight, I have to give a State of the Union Address. If it's a national emergency, you have the wrong number. You want Harrison Ford, or, failing that, Sylvester Stallone. If you get down to Keanu Reeves, God help us all. Message recording begins now!" (BEEP)

Mrs. Clinton, you have your answer.

The political viability of H.P. Lovecraft's feverish imaginings

2008-03-03T17:03:00.008-05:00

Paul Burns, savvy candidate that he is, naturally keeps a close eye on his rivals. There are of course the usual contenders - Clinton, McCain, Obama - as well as some other, less likely options.

But recently another contender for the Presidency has reared its ugly, gargantuan, rubbery, tentacled, ancient, horror-inducing head: Cthulhu. The Great Old One announced his candidacy some time ago, and it seems voters are conflicted over the differences between these two towering figures in American politics. Here, then, is a convenient guide to the relevant differences:

Paul Burns:

Stands for justice and integrity
Promotes reform to better the life of every American citizen
Genuinely cares about voters
Has a plan to restore the world's faith in democracy
Likes ice cream, and also kittens
Is running alongside Jessica Alba

Cthulhu:

Will personally devour each and every human being on this earth in its own vast maw, then plunge the fabric of spacetime itself into the very depths of Chaos

When you consider all factors, the choice is clear. Vote Burns!

About crime

2008-03-02T23:47:00.002-05:00

Many voters have been curious about Paul Burns's stance on crime in America. The answer is that he is against it. If you are thinking about committing a crime right now, his message to you is: "Don't do it."

Because crime is bad.

But if you do feel the need to commit a crime, Burns reminds you that there is no need to be a jerk about it. Even the police appreciate a little common courtesy.

Or you could just - you know - leave behind a W-2.

Our new slogan

2008-03-01T23:21:00.000-05:00

"PB&J: Spread the Word."

Get it? It's a pun.

Burns reaches out to Toad Suckers

2008-03-01T15:32:00.004-05:00

It's one of the most serious problems in modern America. It affects thousands of people each day. Those who live in its shadow do their best to lead normal, happy lives, but they cannot escape their secret shame. And like most such problems, it goes almost completely unreported in the media.

I am talking, of course, about bad town names.

It's easy to dismiss the problem if you don't suffer from it. Sure, the weather is nice and sunny in Phoenix, Arizona, but the forecast calls for embarrassment if you happen to live in Monkey's Eyebrow, Kentucky. Or what about the fine folks of Hicksville, Ohio, or Hookersville, West Virginia? There's no telling how many promising first dates went bad for these people, due to simple miscommunication.

Residents of misnamed communities, Paul Burns has heard your cry! He knows it hurts to live in Hell, Michigan; he understands the dismal plight of Little Hope, Texas. And as always, he has a plan.

Phase one: build local pride. If you're living in one of these unfortunate towns, make the best of it! Don't be ashamed of who you are! Shout your podunk's appellation from the rooftops - or from the peak of the nearest mud-heap, as applicable. Use it in conversations. Get the discussion going. But whatever you do, speak out - your era of humiliation is finally over.

Phase two: change the name to something better. Because, I mean, come on, Arkansas. Toad Suck? Seriously?

Support is Growing

2008-02-28T17:01:00.002-05:00

It is only the second day of the Burns campaign, and he has already received two strong endorsements. Both running-mate Jessica Alba and campaign manager Brian Buckley have publicly endorsed Paul Burns in his bid to become the next, and the greatest, President of the United States.

"I think he's awesome," said Alba. "I mean, he's an American, and who better to be President than an American?"

Buckley concurred. "I pretty much have to endorse him," he said. "He'll fire me if I don't."

Buckley was previously the campaign manager for Democratic candidate Barack Obama, but was fired after coining the unpopular slogan, "Obama yo mama."