This will be the last post of Burns For America.
It's been fun, but in the end, this thing is simply taking up too much of my time and not giving me enough in return. My readership has never been particularly high, and I find I'm no longer enjoying it. There just isn't much of a reason to continue. Hasn't been for a while now, actually, but I'm stubborn like that.
Hope you laughed. And don't forget, come November...you can write in anybody you want!
Monday, June 30, 2008
This will be the last post of Burns For America.
Go ahead, try it...it's good for you.
Current Events Sonnet #10 in D Minor
Mugabe "won" the vote his usual way
Zimbabwe's guns still trigger on his whims
He is no more a knight for the U.K.
I don't think anyone feels bad for him.
The North Koreans give us their report
And blow a tower up as well, for fun
In China, tempers high and patience short
The Bill of Rights says you can have a gun.
Bill Gates retires, and cries a little bit
George Carlin's done as well, and also dead
Jolie performs, and Wall-E is a hit
Israel gives prisoner swap the go-ahead.
The Spanish score a giant soccer win;
And in Dubai, they merely want to spin.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Great news, loyal readers! We have managed to contact the Obama campaign, and his people finally agreed to show him the Burns For America website. This is a milestone in our campaign! At last, the current frontrunner for President of the United States will hear our voice, read about our cause, understand our passion. And when he does, he will have no choice but to acknowledge our great justice, drop out of the race, and endorse the Paul Burns.
Breaking update: I am being told that Barack Obama has just given us his official response to the Burns Campaign! He has had a chance to review our material and has made his statement!
Let's see what he says!
Well, it's a start. Be sure to tune in Monday, when we will once again attempt to pass off a Current Events Sonnet as actual content!
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Quick question: what do the Ohio State University, Donald Trump, and Ukraine have in common?
Answer: they all understand the power of the definite article.
Donald Trump is one of the most successful businessmen in the world. They call him "the Donald."
OSU is the biggest university in the United States, and any Buckeye will tell you it's "the Ohio State University."
Ukraine used to be the Ukraine, back when it was part of a world superpower. But that superpower status is gone now...and so is the "the."
What can we learn from all this?
Simple. If you're going to get anything done these days, you need a little help from the English language to make it happen.
Henceforth, Paul Burns will be referred to as The Paul Burns.
This will remain in effect until it starts to get annoying. I estimate approximately six hours.
Be sure to tune in again tomorrow, when we'll have, like, a funny picture of Obama or something.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
So I guess this is my fault; I probably should've explained this better to begin with. Well, I didn't, so I'll do it now:
DISCLAIMER - YOU ARE NOT AS COOL AS PAUL BURNS. Just because he does something successfully DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN TOO.
I am serious here! I've gotten reports that folks are doing things like:
Slapping other folks with fish. Come on - that's only a job for the Presidential Fish Slapper.
Figuring out the meaning of life. People! This has already been discovered! Paul Burns was all over it like white on West Virginia.
Fighting evil. Okay, for reals on this one. Y'all need to understand. The evil? It isn't safe. And if you don't leave the evil-handling to the professionals, you might get hurt. It's, like, what they do.
Fine, you say, but isn't Paul Burns a role model? Shouldn't I do my best to imitate him? If I can't fight evil, ponder philosophy, or carp-clobber somebody, what can I do?
We've got you covered:
List of things Paul Burns does that it is okay to imitate
Having your own blog
Running for President (but not this year)
Being kind to animals
Kicking it old school
Chilling with Jessica Alba
Um I guess pointing at signs is probably okay too
If you want to do something and it's not on this list...you should clear it with us first.
This has been a public service announcement. For a blog post that's less obviously patronizing, be sure to tune in tomorrow! There will definitely be an article.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Well, folks, this is a big moment. They said it couldn't be done. They said it was impossible. They said we would kill ourselves trying. But in spite of the naysayers, the flimflammers, and the joykillers, we find ourselves nevertheless on the cusp of revolution. For we have achieved the unthinkable. We have achieved...
...100 posts on the Burns For America blog!
What? That's completely unremarkable, you say? It's a poor sort of blog that doesn't reach 100 posts, you say? Yeah, well you know what? Forget you. We don't need you. We -
Okay, come back. We need you. We need you.
Because if you leave, who will remain to read our...
100th Post Retrospective (on the Previous 99 Posts) (Which Fine Okay is not That Many but Whatever)
Ah, it was a humble beginning, wasn't it? A simple man with a modest plan: team up with Jessica Alba to become President of the United States. And the early days were orthodox enough. Support your constituents; pick up a few endorsements; coin a catchy slogan.
But it quickly became clear that this would be no ordinary campaign.
Paul Burns had an uncompromising vision. What other candidate has announced plans for sprucing up the Solar System, nuking our nocturnal adversary, or getting a Wii for each and every living American citizen? Who else would dare subvert both the First and Eighth Amendments? And who but him would ever conceive of using kittens to achieve world peace?
Paul Burns was a man of pristine moral character. He wasn't just against the death penalty - he had creative alternatives! He wasn't just a man of God - he pondered assuming godhood! He didn't just take a firm stance on ethical issues - he took every stance! And he was always willing to take responsibility for his actions - and redirect it elsewhere.
Paul Burns had an intellect unparalleled in the history of Man. He wrote countless sonnets for the edification of voters everywhere. He was a master of mathematics and a purveyor of vocabulary. He taught us the very meaning of life itself. And for all of that, he was not too proud to belittle his fellow man.
But most of all, Paul Burns was awesome. He's already planning a library with a mile-high monument to himself. He's brushing aside his competitors. He has his own Secretary of Awesome. His veep knows how to lay the smack down. And lest we forget: he named the multiverse after himself. I mean, how awesome is that?
Um, no. The correct answer was "super awesome."
Well, we've come a long way, but we haven't won this thing yet. Tell your family. Tell your friends. Hold rallies. Link to us on your website. And above all, come November, vote Burns.
Don't worry. We'll make the next 100 posts even more awesome than the first.
So you'd better be sure to tune in again tomorrow. Why, who knows what Paul Burns will talk about next?
Monday, June 23, 2008
If any of my former English teachers are reading right now, I can only say: it's all right. This...this isn't your fault.
Current Events Sonnet #9 in D Minor
Tsvangirai drops his presidential run
Beneath the foul incumbent's bloody hand;
Hamas and Israel set aside their guns
In hopes of bringing peace into their land.
The Brits have got a treaty ratified
A typhoon smashed into the Philippines
Romanians elect a man who died
While France gets back into the NATO scene.
The lander found an icy patch on Mars -
Could frozen water mean a chance of life?
Poor Tiger will be cutting back on pars
The Celtics' NBA win triggers strife.
With earthquake photos fresh in people's eyes,
The Chinese watch their water levels rise.
Be sure to tune in again tomorrow for a special campaign announcement.
Friday, June 20, 2008
So what is John McCain's deep dark secret? I mean, he seems like such a fine, upstanding gentleman:
But you know, anyone looks good in a suit. Maybe in a different set of threads, we'd begin to see...
Yeah, there we go. Black looks sort of...familiar on him, doesn't it? Like some other Senator I know of. But who?
There's something...I'm not quite sure...what is...
Ah, yeah, there it is. Okay. Okay, I think we're done here. Show's over! Nothing else to see, folks.
Anyway...be sure to tune in again Monday, for another of those Current Events Sonnets you
tolerate like so well.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Yesterday I promised that today's post would be about the greatest threat to the Paul Burns campaign. Now you've had all night to think about it, and I can only imagine what guesses you've made. Is it bin Laden? Is it "Can you smell what Barack is cooking" Obama? Could it be fear, or apathy, or Sauron, or the fact that basically nobody has heard of Paul Burns's candidacy?
No, my friends, no. These are all grave threats (well, except Sauron, who was really just bitter over a bad case of pinkeye). But the one true threat is far subtler and more sinister.
A politician's success positively hinges on solid brand recognition. And what is a politician's brand? Why, his name, of course. A voter has to hear a name and immediately recognize the person behind it. Otherwise...very bad things can happen.
Paul Burns is drowning in a sea of me-too usurpers with the audacity to copycat his all-important trademark. Take a look at this rogues' gallery of nominal plagiarists:
Paul Burns the techie - Imagine the voter reaction if they learned their candidate was into something like technology. Understanding technology means you have logical analysis skills, and logical analysis skills mean that you must be, that's right, a nerd. Come, now. Do we really want a president who, midway through negotiations with Kim Jong-il, finds himself on the receiving end of an atomic wedgie?
(Don't worry, President Bush. I know you're horrified by the thought of negotiating with the leaders of rogue nations. It was just a joke. In real life, nobody would actually do such a thing.)
Paul Burns the soccer player - Soccer is just a long, tedious game in which almost no real points are scored, everything is decided by a dramatic play at the end, and yet the commentators sound fascinated the whole way through. Imagine if Americans associated that with politics.
(Oh, that's right, England. I called it soccer, not football. What are you going to do about it?)
Paul Burns the gardener - Sure, Americans care about the environment. But a candidate who's in the pocket of Big Green? That'll get weeded out by the roots at the first sign of frost.
I'm really bad at gardening metaphors.
Paul Burns the actor - Not that there's anything wrong with actors gettin' their Prez on, but his running-mate is an actress. Tickets are about balance. We're trying to run a country here, not peddle popcorn.
Paul Burns the photographer - As we all know, photographs steal your soul. And our Paul Burns has already gone on record against any sort of supernatural shenanigans.
Paul Burns the realtor - In this housing market? That's like taking an arsonist back to the ashes of his grandma's house and saying "Hey, you missed a spot, here's some napalm."
Paul Burns the doctor - America needs someone who can heal its divisions...metaphorically. Come on. Nobody goes in for that "I have actual useful skills" rhetoric anymore.
Don't be fooled by cheap imitation Paul Burnses! Demand genuine Burns! Set a precedent for President!
Because really, come on. More than one entity named Paul Burns? That would just be...confusing.
Be sure to tune in again tomorrow, when you'll learn something about John McCain that you won't find anywhere else.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
We've got so many supporters now I can barely keep track of them all...luckily, you've got that handy list on the bottom of the sidebar to help you out!
Anyway, my good friend Archangel shows his support. Do you know why? That's right, because he's awesome, and because he knows a winner when he sees one.
I guess culture is pretty good? There are a lot of people studying it, it must be pretty good. It's not like we would waste our time studying unimportant things. So, you know, let's learn about culture.
Holidays are one of the most conspicuous signs of culture, but you have to be careful. Because not all holidays are real holidays. You know what I'm talking about, right? The ones where, the first time someone asks you "Did you get a card for so-and-so" and you're like "why" and then they tell you and you're just in shock that this is an actual thing? Yeah, those. Except, you never know. Maybe you're not the one that's in shock that it's an actual thing. Maybe you're the one who sees nothing wrong with it. Maybe you are inadvertently celebrating...
...a fake holiday!
With that in mind, here are some tips to help you tell the Hannukahs from the Hallmarks. If any of the following apply to the festivity in question...it might be a fake holiday!
If the holiday was invented by the candy industry.
You think I'm kidding, don't you? Nobody would listen if the corporations in charge of selling candy created a holiday where people buy candy to celebrate something that's already celebrated by another holiday. That's what you're thinking.
Well, you would be wrong.
If the special activity for the holiday is something you do every day anyway.
Hey, I was thinking! Let's set aside one day a year...to be nice to our kids. Because that never happens.
If the holiday is related to your job.
Holidays are when you get off work. If you have to go to work to celebrate your holiday, you're doing it wrong. Take Our Daughters And Sons To Work Day? I'm sorry, it's your kids. At work. Does that sound like a holiday to you?
Boss's Day is another good example of this phenomenon. Secretary's Day was pretty good until it became Administrative Professional's Day, which is sort of like calling up your mom and saying "Jovial Maternal Reproductive Facilitator Diurnal Period."
The one exception to the job-related fake-holiday rule is Labor Day, solely because it is - with incredible irony - a day you do not actually have to go to work.
If the holiday celebrates a person whose main accomplishment was doing something wrong.
Hey, um, Mr. Columbus? Yeah, Asia is that way.
Tell you what, give me an Einstein Day, and then we'll talk.
If the holiday is a week. Or a month.
Don't get me wrong. I love me some Shelley, some Poe, some Chesterton. I think it's fairly obvious that I think poetry is - as you kids say today - "the bee's knees." But to claim that April is National Poetry Month? Um, yeah, about that. It can't be National Poetry Month. It's too busy being April.
Also, I don't know if National Peanut Month is a real thing, or if the peanut people are lying to us, or what, but...seriously. Come on. I mean...no.
One last thing, though. If anybody tries to tell you Pi Day is a fake holiday, break their incisors with a well-thrown baseball. And then, like, check out its circumference. Because math is awesome.
Be sure to tune in again tomorrow, when we will discuss the greatest threat to the Paul Burns candidacy!
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
If you've had the experience of being conscious (mind you, not socially conscious, just conscious) at any time in the past five years, you probably know there is this thing called global warming. We're at an exciting time; we're just past the point of "Okay, the scientists aren't all lying to us about the terabytes of evidence that global warming is actually happening" but not quite to the point of knowing what's causing it. Oh, sure, there are some kooks who say things like "Maybe the scientists with their terabytes of evidence are also not lying about the cause" but clearly such statements are part of a vast left-wing conspiracy.
But if it's not our fault (and how could it be, us being so responsible and all) then whose fault is it? Some say it's just part of a natural cycle, so it's, like, nature's fault, but that sounds a little too much like some kind of New Age pagan crystal voodoo to us. If there's a natural catastrophe, it'd better be a straight-up Act Of God, thank you very much. Except that really, if God were trying to tell us something, you'd probably expect it to be a little less subtle.
So, what's the cause?
Well, we at the Burns Campaign are uniquely qualified to answer this question. Not because Paul Burns is master of all science (although, he is); and not because he can postulate all possible answers simultaneously (although, he can). Why, then?
Well, as you may recall, Mr. Burns has a scapegoat:
Yes, our candidate has generously donated the use of Jeff Fetters, his personal scapegoat, for the problem of global warming. No more partisan debates; no more scientific research grants; no more bickering or worrying. Just a single, simple answer we can all agree on.
It's not our fault. It's his fault.
Now don't you feel better?
Be sure to tune in again tomorrow, when we will make you an expert in the art of detecting fake holidays!
Monday, June 16, 2008
What keeps you people reading these sonnet things, anyway? My current theory: masochism.
Current Events Sonnet #8 in D Minor
In Iowa now, the water's gotten high,
Tim Russert's gone; he will be greatly missed;
Taiwan and China say it's cool to fly,
You will not like Bruce Banner when he's pissed.
Guantanamo gets basic human rights -
Which upsets Bush, but then, he isn't here;
The Taliban puts a prison in their sights,
For NASA, gamma rays will soon appear.
The Church of Scientology is pwned,
Norwegians give the thumbs-up to the gays,
Budweiser shortly may be foreign-owned,
"I'm sorry" comes in interesting ways.
In Arnold's state, the fires are spreading quick;
Impeachment for the President won't stick.
Be sure to tune in again tomorrow, when we - the Paul Burns campaign - will reveal the actual cause of global warming!
Friday, June 13, 2008
Yet another addition to our growing list of supporters (down on the sidebar there, if you haven't seen it already). Awesome!
If you have a page somewhere on the Interwebs supporting Paul Burns, be sure to let us know so we can give you some love in return!
You may have heard that Jim Johnson, one of Obama's top campaign aides, has resigned.
Why? Something about some kind of deal on low mortgage rates...sounded pretty boring actually. And also fake. I mean, come on - a guy gets fired for getting a better deal on his house? Makes no sense.
Unless maybe, he wasn't a guy at all.
Jim Johnson's shocking secret revealed:
I knew it! Look at the eyes! Jim Johnson is secretly WALL-E!!
For more staggeringly intellectual revelations like this one, be sure to check back on Monday, when you'll get to read this week's Current Events Sonnet.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Who is the best candidate to be President this year? The answer, as you all well know, is Paul Burns. But it may be that you're curious about the choice between Barack Obama and John McCain - out of, let's say, idle curiosity. Well, folks, there's only one way to settle this: math.
Let's assign a variable to each candidate's relative worth: B for Barack Obama, J for John McCain. Now, we know that Obama stands for change in America, while McCain stands for a much lesser amount of change. So, to start with:
B = δA
J = µδA
A bad start for McCain. However, McCain has a whopping twenty-six years of experience in Congress, while Obama has just four:
B = δA + 4e
J = µδA + 26e
Now remember that Obama is for bigger government, while McCain is for smaller government (well, technically he's for government that expands at a rate not quite so staggeringly high, but let's not quibble). Thus:
B = δA + 4e + G
J = µδA + 26e + g
Finally, Obama's trademark appeal rests in his perceived ability to bring the two halves of this divided nation together into one. McCain, meanwhile, battles the image that he is old, out of touch, and something of a square; however, he is more popular among the followers of Christ, who is the Alpha and the Omega:
B = δA + 4e + G + ½ + ½
J = (µδA + 26e + g)² + α*Ω
All that remains now is to gauge the public's interest in each candidate relative to the next-best choice; that is, divide by the value of their nearest rival, Hillary Clinton:
B = (δA + 4e + G + ½ + ½) / H
J = [(µδA + 26e + g)² + α*Ω] / H
B = ERROR DIV BY ZERO
J = ERROR DIV BY ZERO
Oh noes! From beyond the political grave, Hillary gets her revenge! Furious over the inscrutable arithmetic that cost her the nomination, she strikes back, dealing a devastating blow to the math of her competitors! Now we will never know who comes out on top!
Fortunately, there's only one equation you need to know for this election year, and that's the absolute, undeniable perfection of Paul Burns - the man, the myth, the legend:
P = ∞
There you have it; the numbers don't lie. Be sure to tune in again tomorrow, when we'll tell you the real reason that Obama's advisor resigned!
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
There are plenty of conspiracy theories out there. Paul McCartney is secretly dead. If you've ever touched a penny, the government has your DNA on file. Israel is controlled by Jews. Sure, they sound crazy, but if you're like most people, the thought has crossed your head from time to time: could there be any truth to those Area 51 old wives' tales?
No. There couldn't.
And I'll tell you why. It isn't because our leader are sweet and wonderful, or because we're smart enough to see through lies. No, conspiracy theories are crap for the simple reason that our government isn't smart enough to pull off something like that.
I mean, no offense, but let's be honest here - we're talking about a government whose idea of invasion is dropping a few men onto a shoreline in enemy territory and shouting "¡Ándale! ¡Ándale!" - a government that's spent over half a billion dollars on a visitors' center - a government in which a state house of representatives agreed unanimously that pi was precisely 3.2. Folks, forget about CIA cover-ups; these guys are struggling with basic geometry.
But not to worry! Though the current administration is far too inept to pull off a vast right-wing conspiracy, be assured that when Paul Burns takes office, he will immediately enact a conspiracy so enormous, so far-reaching, so staggeringly complex, that it will blow your mind. (Literally. If you find out about it, we have to kill you.)
Trust me. Our Secretary of F***ing Awesome has plenty of experience with this sort of thing.
So, vote for Paul Burns. And a year or two from now, when you're sitting in your easy chair, watching Celebrity Jeopardy and snacking on Snickerdoodles, and all of a sudden you get a feeling like nothing in the world is wrong...yeah. That's when you'll know. The Matrix is real, and the Architect...is Paul Burns.
In the meantime, be sure to check in tomorrow, when we'll be working out a little basic math of our own!
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
The President of the United States has to be on the lookout at all times, vigilant against every type of threat imaginable. There are the obvious threats, of course: terrorism, North Korea, bears, global warming, and those crazy gay people who - for some reason - keep trying to get married. But there are other, subtler threats: a slowing economy, failing schools, folks who pull tags off mattresses, American Idol, Tom Cruise, and those crazy gay people who - for some reason - keep trying to get married.
And then, every once in a while, comes a threat so insidious, so meticulously wrapped in sheep's clothing, that only a master can detect its presence. My friends, Paul Burns is just such a master, and the threat is so subtle that many of us have yet to notice it at all.
Yes, soy, that unassuming, innocent-looking bean. You've probably seen soybeans a hundred times before and thought nothing of them; you may have eaten them yourself, or even - heaven help you - fed them to your children.
But step back a moment, and think. The soybean is an ancient and powerful foe. Its origins are shrouded in mystery, surely predating all human civilization; its numbers are staggering, with the soybean (by some estimates) outnumbering human beings by an incredible ten million to one. How did they sneak up on us, you may ask? Well, there's plenty of blame to go around. But the real question is, what do we do about the Bean Menace today?
The first step is to know your enemy, and surely there is much to discover about this cruel and cunning adversary. Perhaps its most insidious aspect is the way it infiltrates our daily lives, posing under the cover of seemingly ordinary household items. Think that's real bacon you're eating? Careful - it might be soy bacon, a product which, according to one anti-soy activist, "tastes like somebody bacon-flavored a turd." Worse yet, even the fork you use on these ersatz edibles could be made of soy. Is nothing sacred?
But the worst crime ever perpetrated by the Health Food Cartel - worse than Lite Ranch, worse than skim milk, worse even than Light 'n' Fit Yogurt - is the final and most devastating avatar of soy: tofu, destroyer of worlds.
Some try to find humor in tofu, others try to explain it, still others simply appropriate it for their own interests, but no one has looked into the deep, hideous abyss of this inhuman creation and remained unaffected. It is a foul and malodorous material, so repulsive that even its domain name is an empty, lifeless husk.
Who among us is immune to its unspeakable power; who has not retched, after mistaking a piece of it for cheese? Do we not all have a husband or daughter, cousin or friend, who claims to love the stuff, but secretly despises the vile addiction that drives him each day further into its clammy grasp? Yea, and when it comes to soy, what a long, dark road it is. Will no one save us from this bean?
It is the duty and sacred honor of Paul Hamilton Burns to protect us from the sinister Soy. If elected, he pledges to spend each day of his presidency fighting for your right to live free of this menace; with each new day that passes, he will make you proud anew. Remember, in the battle of Good Versus Evil, the enemy is not always cloaked in darkness.
Sometimes, the enemy is lite.
Be sure to tune in again tomorrow, when we'll tell you everything you need to know about vast government conspiracies.
Monday, June 9, 2008
It's time once again for us to deliver to you the events of the past week...via literature!
Current Events Sonnet #7 in D Minor
A legend in the world of sports has died
And likewise in the world of rock 'n' roll
The Red Wings have good reason for their pride
The crazy price of oil takes its toll.
We hope the Martian lander isn't broke
A nuclear weapons mix-up; Gates is pissed
The dumbass terrorists can't take a joke
The dumbass Burmese leaders still exist.
We've redefined "ironic," by the way
(Somehow I doubt that Kim Jong-il will care)
And Clinton said what we all knew she'd say
Not that it's going to get her anywhere.
Meanwhile, Obama's ready for McCain -
Of course, he's got a few things to explain.
See, there? You became an informed voter, and you didn't even have to go to Wikipedia!
Be sure to tune in again tomorrow, when the Burns campaign will shed light on the unholy powers of soy.
Friday, June 6, 2008
I've already mentioned the whimsically-titled I Can Has Cheezburger as a shocking purveyor of kitten exploitation - a website that sees fit to turn kittens into mere objects for our amusement, their native cuteness metamorphosed via captions into a grotesque spectacle of amoral "humor." LOLcats, they call this monstrosity, probably because DeliberatelyAbuseHelplessAnimals was already taken. Paul Burns has worked tirelessly to fight this outrage, and with your help, we can win the war on cat-captioning once and for all.
But a new horror has emerged, and Paul Burns has the unenviable task of relating to you, the voters, this fresh tale of woe. As you read of the shudder-inducing story below, let the chills that run down your spine serve as a permanent reminder that your vote can make a difference.
You see, the vile administrators of I Can Has Cheezburger (flanked, no doubt, by hellish administrative assistants) have crossed the line from simple feline malfeasance into the realm of the literary. That's right; these cybernetic oppressors have committed kitten plagiarism.
I'll let the facts speak for themselves.
FACT: On April 16, 2008, I posted the following:
"Squads of kittens...will overwhelm their targets with adorability, unleashing such a massive quantity of sweetness, cuddliness, and sheer gosh-darn-it cuteness that those engaged in violence will have no choice but to surrender. This strategy, dubbed "Shock and Awww," will be a massive undertaking..." [emphasis mine]
FACT: On May 29, 2008 - less than two months later - I Can Has Cheezburger posted the following:
FACT: These people are human trash.
They stole my joke! Did you see it? I was like "Hey, here is a nice joke, don't steal it pls, kthx," and they were all "OMG LET'S STEAL HIS JOEK!!!11" I mean what the heck? Did you see it? Did you see what happened there? Man, for real! What the crap?
Okay, maybe you're not quite as outraged as I am. It's conceivable, I suppose, that the alleged joke-stealing by a humor website from the campaign manager of a fictional candidacy hosted on another humor website...I guess, possibly, this is not something you feel genuine anger about. I can accept that. We can move on.
But honestly - kitten plagiarism? That's just sick. And I want you to know that Paul Burns will do everything in his power to make sure that kind of thing is stopped, once and for all.
Because, of course, I was definitely the first person to think of that joke ever.
Well, fine. Just make sure you tune in again on Monday. You don't want to miss our weekly Current Events Sonnet!
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Hi everybody, this is Jessica Alba speaking - as you probably know, I'm Paul Burns's running-mate in the 2008 U.S. presidential election. With so much going on in the world of politics right now, I want to take this opportunity to say a few words regarding our present situation. I'm not putting any words in Paul Burns's mouth here - this is all me. Because, for me, this has sort of gotten personal.
To my supporters and fans: thank you. Your encouragement means everything. To the undecided voters of America: think carefully. Resist the temptation to make a quick choice. Your decision in November will shake the foundations of the world. To my rivals, Senators John McCain and Barack Obama: congratulations on making it this far. You've both persevered through some very difficult odds.
And to Hillary Rodham Clinton:
I could drop you like a ton of bricks.
I don't just mean that I could beat you in a fight, although please be assured that if it came to that, if I had the pleasure of being forced into actual fisticuffs with you, the backside of your sweet little Easter-yellow pantsuit would have my footprint ingrained into its sleek exterior eight separate times before you hit the floor. No, what I'm asserting here is something a little more fundamental; I'm better than you. From one female vice-presidential-hopeful to another, I make this claim; I make it without reservation or doubt; today, this Thursday, June 5 of 2008, I, Jessica Marie Alba, hereby assert as a matter of public record that I am demonstrably superior to you in every measurable way.
I'm better than you at acting. Which is surprising, since I've only been acting since 1994, whereas you've had your entire life to fine-tune that funny little balancing game you play. Granted, I'm no Charlton Heston, but at least I make an effort. But you - that smarmy way you call "friend" the man you've consistently eviscerated at every opportunity for the past six months? It's like you're not even trying. Hillary, the first rule of drama is that you yourself have to believe in what you're saying. If not, how can your audience?
I'm better than you at logic. Yes, I play a character who purports to make herself invisible because of exposure to cosmic rays. You, however, by all appearances actually believe you should be awarded delegates from a contest in which your opponent's name wasn't even on the ballot; you honestly don't see the irony in claiming all obstacles to your ascension are rooted in sexism. Here, I'll spell it out for you. Deciding that men must hate you because you're a woman and not because of your complete inability to function as a human being? Yeah, that's sexist. Honey, I'm not expecting the Socratic Method from you, but space out your contradictions over more than one sentence - it's just good etiquette.
I'm better than you at math. After high school, I attended the Atlantic Theater Company; you went to Yale. So why is it me and not you who understands that if one person has 13,355,209 of something (votes, for example) and the other person only has 12,638,123 of that something, the second person isn't the one who has more? Oh, wait, maybe you're confused - you can't count votes from the states that you said don't matter. If you wanted every vote to count, maybe you should've thought of that before you started losing, hm?
I'm better than you at economics. I know exactly nothing about economics. What's the only thing worse than that? Knowing exactly nothing about economics, and then coming up with an economic plan that every single economist alive says is a bad idea. Bonus tip: try not to say things like "I'm not going to throw my lot in with economists." Dear? Sweetie? They're economists. It is their entire f***ing job. And when every single one of them tells you the exact same thing at the exact same time, and you still don't listen, it means you don't know what your own job actually is.
I'm better than you at handling my own finances. Probably connected to the "better at economics" thing. Sure, my campaign is flat broke. But twenty million dollars in debt? Nah, I'll leave that one for you. I've learned that much by now - no matter how low I set the bar, you still find a way to sliiiide on underneath.
I'm better than you at ethics. I refuse to appear nude in any of my films; this is something I decided a long time ago, and I've stuck to it ever since. And while it may not be much of a principle, it is, in fact, a principle. For future reference, a principle is when you do something because you feel it's right, even if it's not popular, and - here's the kicker - even if it doesn't benefit you personally. It's...sorry, I can tell you're distracted; we'll move on.
I'm better than you at judgment. Fighting on against impossible odds for a noble purpose makes you a hero. Insisting you're winning when you're too far behind even to catch up - I believe the term for that is "whiny little girl." Similarly, conceding once it's apparent you can no longer win - that would be gracefeul. Conceding when 90% of your advisors finally convince you that the big number is bigger than the small number? That means you passed remedial math. Congratulations, you're on to third grade; this means you can now, officially, stop being a whiny little girl.
And finally - and I think this is the one that must really sting - I'm better than you at politics. You thought you had it all figured out, didn't you? It was a simple formula; find out what the crowd wants to hear, and give it to them in the purest form you can muster. It doesn't even have to make sense; nobody will call you out on it but the media, and you can just say they're biased. And it was going pretty well. But then a remarkable thing happened - people started catching on to your bullshit. When you fed them that line about your gas tax holiday, people knew you were pandering. When you invented nonexistent issues to be outraged about, people booed you. How perplexing that must have been! "But I'm pandering," you thought. "Doesn't that always work?"
Well, apparently not. At this moment, my campaign actually, truly, no-joke for real has a higher chance than yours of making its candidate President of the United States. Because my candidate is the only one who is left actually running.
Oh, and one other thing. Guess what, bitch? I'm hotter, too.
(Sorry - didn't mean any of that to sound bitter. I'm not angry, really. I'm just, you know - disenfranchised. Funny how that works.)
Be sure to tune in again tomorrow, when Paul Burns is going to talk about kittens.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Terrorism is a scary thing. Which makes sense, I guess; as a general rule, you wouldn't expect the ideology formed by taking "terror" and adding "-ism" to be especially comforting. I'm sure I don't have to explain the discomfort of "painism," the annoyance of "deathism," or the sheer unpleasantness of "porcupineswallowingism." Still, I am sad to say that in today's complex world, etymological superiority is not enough. We need to actually stop them from blowing stuff up.
"But I thought we'd already solved that problem," you say. "With kittens."
Yes, kittens are indeed the answer to most, if not all, geopolitical problems. But the fact remains, some situations exist when the cuteness of kittens is simply not an effective deterrent of radical violence. Perhaps the terrorist is in a hurry, and does not have time to properly reflect upon the softness of his feline companion; perhaps he is blind (maybe because of previous failed experiments in terrorism) and cannot gaze on the cuddly creature. Regardless, in situations like these, we need an emergency weapon to slow down those unsightly insurgents.
If you're a parent, you probably already know what I'm getting at. Toddlers.
Yes, toddlers have long been a thorn in the side of radical hate groups, with their unpredictable walking patterns, indifference to shouted orders, and uncanny knack for picking up new languages. Their real strength, however, is in their numbers.
Every major population center in the United States must keep a large stockpile of toddlers in reserve, ready to unleash at a moment's notice. In the event of a terrorist attack, the Designated Official Leader of the Toddlers (DOLT) will ignite the Cookie-Signal, summoning literally dozens of the bumbling tykes toward the epicenter of the attack-in-progress.
Amid such a mass of munchkins, the effectiveness of a terrorist is drastically diminished. Their frenzied cries for jihad will be drowned out by choruses of whiny children; their running strides toward the exit will be impaired by the sea of tiny overalls, tripping them as they flail about among the jaunty juveniles. And what turban can survive the resultant onslaught of a thousand tiny, curious, semiautonomous fingers?
Yes, it would be a dark day indeed for the would-be attackers, as they find that their guns, bombs, and rocket launchers simply cannot destroy enough of the ubiquitous youths to make a significant difference. Such is the power of American ingenuity, the triumph of hard work and unshakable ethics over a mindset that understands nothing but death.
We'll show 'em. This November, think of the children. Vote Burns.
Oh, and be sure to tune in tomorrow, when running-mate Jessica Alba will give her own personal take on all the hubbub over the Democratic primaries.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
So it's not exactly a secret: the economy is sinking quicker than an anorexic blowfish. Of course, once Paul Burns takes office, all that will change; but until then, it's his duty as a concerned public official to mitigate this disaster as much as possible. With that in mind, Mr. Burns is proud to present these...
Savings Tips for Financially Conscious Families
Arranged in chronological order according to when I wrote them
1. Pay off your credit cards slowly. You may have heard other, less savvy financial advisors say things like "Pay off your credit cards quickly" and "Lower your debt." This is silly. The less money you spend on credit card bills, the more money you have to invest in stocks, and everyone knows it's all about the stocks. Buy low, sell high - and the market right now is low. Which reminds me...
2. Invest in technology companies. If history has taught us anything, it is that technology companies are always, without exception, a good investment. "But wait," you say, "how can I tell whether this company is a technology company?" Well, Hypothetical Reader, it's easy. Just type their name into Google. If any results come up, it means they have a Presence on the Web. Automatic buy! (Alternatively, you just stop by one of their offices. The more computers you see, the more money is going straight into your pocket. If you spot an employee with a Blackberry, it's time to sell a kidney.)
3. Don't replace your smoke detectors. A smoke alarm can cost you as much as thirty dollars, and the experts say you should replace yours every ten years. Well, sorry to spoil your fun, "experts," but over the course of your career, that could be over a hundred dollars! Hey, here's a tip: you don't get rich by throwing your dollars away. It's not like your house is going to burn down anyway.
4. Don't let your house burn down.
5. Join the Mafia. Ok, I want you to imagine how much money you spend on suits every year. Now imagine all that money going straight into your bank account instead, because in Cosa Nostra, the suits are on the house. Now imagine all the medical bills you would have paid late in life, which you'll never have to worry about, due to your untimely demise. It's a victimless crime! Well, okay - it's a crime.
6. Run for president. Because really, what could possibly go wrong?
With these tips, you should be well on your way to saving more money than your bank account can hold. At which point, you know what you have to do - find a bigger bank.
Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when Paul Burns will unveil the most effective plan to combat terrorism ever!
Monday, June 2, 2008
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I wonder if that's true for crimes against literature?
On an unrelated note, I am please to present...
Current Events Sonnet #6 in D Minor
A mob boss gave himself up to the feds
While someone else who knew good suits has died
New York is cool with anyone who weds
Whether or not the pair is "groom" and "bride"
Australia pulls some troops out of Iraq
And science, now, can make the bleeding stop
The first storm of the season's on its track
A new ace speller rockets to the top.
The LDSer's finally get to leave
The Martian lander gets an early taste
Real fire burns in Land of Make-Believe
"Sex and the City" isn't toxic waste.
Now Clinton's pleased with how the voting went;
You'd almost think that she was relevant.
Whew! That's over with. Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when we'll offer helpful money-saving tips for the financially conscious!